Today was the most unproductive day of my life. You know what I did? I tumblred my freaking life away all day. Literally. Fabulous right? No. -____- *sigh* But on the upside to today I got to talk to Aaron, Skype with Jojo, Skype with Abby, and see Kathleen (: So it wasn't that bad after all.

Today was the first time we talked on the phone for like 2 1/2 - 3 hours. It didn't even feel that long, I wish it was longer. But he's gotta do what he's gotta do. I admitted to him how much I really do like him on the phone.

Aaron- "You just giggled, you make it seem like you don't mean it."
Me- "No I'm serious, I really do like you. I mean I practically think about you all the time and talk about you all the time, I don't know what else to tell you. And plus, if I giggle or smile that means I'm happy(: I smile all the time, and I giggle all the time too. So.."
Aaron- "Well I like your smile and laugh, it's cute(:"

Gosh, you're way cuter! I love that you're such a cheeseball and you compliment me all the time. It makes me crazy inside. Lmao

Me- "Omg. You're doing it again-_-"
Aaron- "What?"
Me- "I'm getting butterflies and i'm blushing. Oh great."
Aaron- "Hahaha. How cute."

I hope we get to talk this long next week.

Aaron- "You're in trouble missy, you failed to tell me something."
*in my head* fuck! what did I do?:o
Me- "Oh really? And that is..?"
Aaron- "You didn't tell me there was a Winnie the Pooh movie."
-__________- wtf. Lmao
Me- "Let me guess, you want to watch the Winnie the Pooh movie?"
Aaron- "Hell yeah!"
Me- "Oh. Okay." Lol

It's adorable how he's excited to watch Winnie the Pooh with me while I'm excited to watch In Time and The Avengers with him. Hahaha Completely different movies. But it's cute.

You can't just ask for it to be good my love. You have to make the best of it. Let go of the things that weigh you down and make yourself happy rather than wishing to be, because at the end of the day, you yourself can choose whether to be happy or not. If you let those things make you sad then you WILL be sad, but you have to get the courage to stand up and say, "You know what, enough is enough. I want to be happy, and I'll make myself happy, with or without you."

You know what? I don't give a flying fuck if she's 12 years fucking old! She needs to learn how to fucking clean! I'm tired of you babying her! Fuck that shit. I always had to clean, I never complained, you NEVER asked Jojo to help me and now when Janisse is actually fucking cleaning you're making me help her? The fuck? You got me fucked up for somebody else! She NEVER cleans! She needs to learn! How the hell is she going to grow up and not learn how to do basic fucking cleaning? Really? Really now? The bitch can't cook. Can't clean. Can't wash her own clothes. Can't do shit! Her friends can do it! Do you know how embarrassing that is? I want her to LEARN. It's not helping when you have to bitch at me for letting her clean. Bitch I cleaned at her age and you never gave a fuck. Fuck your face. Calling me a puta. Bitchass. You disgust me. I clean, No thank yous or any slight of appreciation. But when I don't, I'm a slob ass lazy ass mother fucker. Fuck you too then. Or or I never go out, "Jess you need to go have fun! Go out with your friends" I go out, come home at fucking 9 o'clock status. "You're always going out late. Blahblahblahblah." What the fuck do you want? Don't tell me something and then tell me otherwise. You either appreciate the shit I do or hate on me and fuck up my life even more. Shiiit. I'm tired of being the fuck up child. I'm never enough. Seriously.

I'm probably pms-ingO_o
I've been VERY irritable. Like I just.. can't let things go. If it annoys me, then the annoyance grows all over my body, and once it reaches that end point, I explode. It really doesn't help when my whole family has anger issues so we all could just argue at eachother if one of us doesn't calm down. My dad has been a nuisance. It pisses me off, from his rude comments, to his nonsense conversations, and his rude careless attitude. It just annoys me, then he goes back and acts like it's a joke. It's not a fucking joke. You make fun of me and pick on me for "being emotional" but do you honestly see how you treat me? How the fuck can someone just brush that shit off and act like it's nothing. You're really making me want anger management like badly. I have no patience or tolerance for any of your crap. I really don't. Every little thing annoys me now. Stacy and Alex are annoying me now! I love them, but I can't stand their presence any longer. Not right now. I really don't want to see them for awhile. I just hate how Stacy's treating Janisse. Like seriously? Fuck your face. Have some respect. She acts like she lives in our house and acts like she could do whatever she wants. Yes, I said I consider you like a sister but that doesn't mean you can go around acting all rude and shit. First of all, knock on my damn door. Don't fuckin walk in as you please like you run the bitch. Really? Really now? I could be fuckin naked for all we know and your ass would walk in. Give me respect because honestly I'm really starting to lose respect for you. And I like you kid, I don't like a lot of Jan's friends and for you to not respect me anymore, that's a motherfucking no no. Houston we got a fucking problem because I'm not gonna tolerate that shit. Not one bit. Hopefully not seeing her for a week will give me more patience and tolerance for everyone.

Of course it scares me if he leaves me, but I shouldn't worry about that. Not now. It's just that, I'm just scared of getting hurt again. That's all. But I know he really likes me(or in his words, loves me), I know he cares about me, I know how special I am to him, and I now know that I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him. If I AM those things to him, and if he DOES feel that way then why am I worrying? I shouldn't have done that to myself this past weekend. But ya know, at least I know now to enjoy what I have and be happy I have someone to share our feelings with. Ever since the day I got that letter, it definitely gave me reassurance. Every night I've thought about our future together, and the simple moments of being together. How excited I am to be with you. Waiting for you is DEFINITELY worth it..

I had the weirdest dream ever. It's hard to even describe because I wasn't talking the whole time. It was just little scene all in one dreamO_o I don't know anyways,
I walked to Wendy's with a friend and I saw people I haven't seen since middle school. It was weird because it was completely empty when I walked in but after I went to pick up my order and went to sit down, it was like there was a damn party up in that bitch. There were seats all taken and it was loud. It was weird. Oh and I guess we were good friends with the Kardashians or something. We all went swimming. Idk. I don't remember that part very well. Psh I wish. Lol But then the scene changed and me and Jan were just sitting. All of sudden Jojo walks in all upset and she sits next to me crying saying that her and Zayus got into a fight and he just doesn't understand or something. I guess it was bad because she laid her head on my leg, while I hugged her for comfort while she cried. Then the scene changed and I was with Michael at some dock or something, idek where we were but I was standing in a wooden walkway with water surrounded. I was playing with Michael, we both had waterguns and we tried squirting every bird we saw. Ha and then Jojo comes out of nowhere like always. I was like, "Where's Aeries?" She was like "I'm waiting on her. She's in the store." And I was like, "Okay?" All of a sudden you see Lin walk out and she's looking at random things from the store and she sees us and starts walking towards us all happy.

Jojo would never leave her like that. That's weirdO.o

OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!
I CAN'T believe I've written more posts this month than Abby!!
What has this world come to????:OOOOO
Just kidding! Lol that's what happens when you think too much in one night and you blog your thoughts away and stay up til 3 in the morning to take the time to write this nonsense.
Oh well!
Goodnight;)

I like seriously don't even know why I'm awake right now. What the effff. I feel tired but I can't sleep. It's like my thoughts are keeping me awake. I guess it's because I never really took the time to really think about what I've done. About myself, about my parents, about Jan, about David, about friends, about Aaron. It's just all coming at me all at once. And it's hitting me now. Realizing this past year went from want, to have, to i don't really have what i want yet, to you're so confusing, to now I know who the fake bitches are in my life, to fuck my life sucks, to sad, bitter and apathetic, to damn how is possible to feel this way again, to i really want you; to you know what, i'm going to have you. I will because you want me too. It's like it's too good to be true. But it IS true, so it's like surreal. I never planned on having a summer romance. I remember dreaming of having one but I didn't realize I'd have one for myself. And to think I could compare my romance to a novel/movie. It's so cliche, my whole relationship. But it's happening, no matter how unreal I keep thinking it is. It's just hard for me to believe someone I LIKE like, finally likes ME. Well technically he liked me first but you know.. whatever. Lol The point of the matter is.. idk what the point of the matter is. It still surprises me I guess. Ha I'm thankful though, so even if this were a dream in some alternate dream reality type inception shit, I'm sure glad to have this.

I can't believe I'm thinking about this right now but I am.
When I was with David, I asked myself the wrong questions. I asked myself "Why do you like him?" or "What about him makes you happy?" or "What do you like about him?" but never did I ask myself..
"How does he make you feel?"
And that's something I probably wouldn't know how to answer. Because honestly, yes he made me happy. But not happy enough to turn my bad moods into good ones. When I genuinely like someone more than anything.. I would talk about them alll the time. They would never leave my mind. And even the thought of them would make me excited or really happy. But not once did you make me feel that way. I never talked about you as much as I did about Ricky or Pablo or Micheal Carsten or even Aaron. I never did. You crossed my mind sometimes, but not in good ways. I always thought of how much you annoyed me. Or I never really thought about you much. Unfortunately. Whenever you did good things for me, like surprise visit me and bring me that bear. That was one of my happiest moments ever. But when we were together, I wish we had more. But you never did ANYTHING. It was always up to me to make the first moves. It was always up to me to talk, to change the subject, to come up with a topic to talk about, to decide what we should do, most of the freakin time it was silence. What kind of relationship is that? Even hearing impaired or mute relationships had more conversation than that! You depended on me to do soooo much that I gave up on us, really. I felt like I put more effort in our relationship so much I couldn't have that. I wanted someone to make me happy just being with them, and for some reason I just didn't have that.
And that's whyyy we broke up. Because..
-I was lonely, even if I was in a relationship w/ you.
-You didn't make me happy.
-Your effort just wasn't enough.
-You depended on me to make a lot of efforts.
-Whenever something bad happened and I felt like it was my fault, you agreed with me and put the blame on me. (You still fucking do this, bitchass-_-)
-I found you annoying more than anything, you reached my mom's level of annoyance. smh.
-No matter how much you did for me, the way you made me feel wasn't enough for me to stay.
But one thing that made me keep wanting you back, was the fact that.. you knew me. You knew me so well, more than any guy I've ever befriended. You were so loyal to me and you were a very good friend to me. And I felt like.. you would be good for me. That's why I wanted you back over and over again.. but then I realized I only fell for the things you did for me.. not how you really made me feel.

and I finally have that.. someone who came into my life accidentally and changed it, by simply talking to me. Showing me he really cares for me and really likes me. Yeah I've only known him for a month, and yes I don't know him very well.. but that's what makes this great for me. Because we can both get to know each other by just being together. The times and moments we'll spend together will open up everything we have to share for each other. I like him so much it's hard for me not to think about him or talk about him, sometimes my stomach would hurt from all the butterflies I would get from him, and I miss him so much it hurts me. He really means so much that it would seriously sadden me to the core if he were ever to leave me. And ya know, I hate saying 'i love you' to him, because I want to say it to him when I truly mean it, as in 'falling in love' with him. But as much as I hate it, I can't help but say it.. because liking him doesn't describe how much I feel for him. I don't know why but he's special. And I honestly don't want to depend on him for my happiness but what am I supposed to do when he came in at the wrong time? When I seriously was at my lowest and I forgot what happiness felt like until he came into my life? Everything in my life is so bad that sometimes I want to give up, but then I go back and think about him and I'm happy again. I can't do that. I can't depend on him for my happiness. Emotionally, I feel vulnerable inside, like I can't simply find happiness from the shit I live with everyday, and he's my happiness. But if he were to ruin it, then what am I left with? That vulnerability. That sadness and anger but 100x worse than before. I just.. I just can't. I have to save myself from feeling broken again.

Maybe it was wrong of me to bring up the whole Aaron thing. But what am I supposed to do when I've moved on. I've found someone, and if you're my best friend of course I'm going to mention my significant other to you. It's been months since our breakup. And yes, sadly I wasn't happy when we were together. Because you never made me happy. That's why I ended it. That's why I KNEW we weren't meant to be, because.. the person you 'like' is supposed to make you happy. Even by their presence or them in general. But I never had that with you. You never made me excited or have a million butterflies in my stomach or make me feel happy sad angry and all these other emotions all at once. I liked you, but you as my boyfriend just.. didn't feel right. There weren't any sparks. There wasn't excitement. There wasn't anything. I felt alone when we were together. I hate to admit it, but it's the truth. I told you I felt alone this year and how junior year was the worst year of my life. Well yeah I had good things with you, but they weren't enough for me. If it hurts you to know it was a terrible year for me even with our moments together, I'm sorry. I can't help the way I feel. You don't make me happy the way Aaron does, and I'm not trying to compare you or whatever but I'm happy now. I hope you understand that.

Oh my freaking god! I can't believe you. Like seriously, I've been glad talking to you again, but nowwww.. ughhhh. You're annoying me again! "After you told me that stuff, it seriously brought me down." Well I'm fucking sorry I didn't want to keep that from you. I'm sorry I feel like I should be honest with you instead of keeping things from you. You're my best friend, best friends tell eachother everything. The good and the bad. And you're gonna have the audacity to tell me I'm bringing you down? Why thaanks bro. Thanks for making me feel like a jerk. "I'm sorry I just didn't want to keep that from you, I just had to tell you." "You didn't haave to tell me." Well fuck you too then. You're a freakin vagina I swear. You have more vagina than I do sometimes. It's freakin sad! I'm not gonna sugarcoat shit. I don't play that crap unless it's like something I feel should be sugarcoated. Like me trying to avoid telling Abby my sexual fantasies. But when I'm telling you the reason why my dad doesn't want you coming over, and me being a mopey little bitch yesterday because I'm afraid Aaron's going to leave me, don't act like a fucking vag and throw that "You brought me down" type shit. Suck it up! Man the fuck up and deal with it. At least be like, "Oh damn we could hang out next time, maybe your dad's just in a bad mood or something" Like it's understandable that you said, "Not trying to be mean or anything but I don't want to comeover knowing your dad doesn't want me around." I understand that completely because I would feel the same way if your dad felt that way. But don't pull that shit on me. Don't make me be the reason for your sadness. Keep that shit to yourself. I'm sorry I did okay? But don't make me feel like I'm the cause of your unhappiness. It makes me feel lower. Idk how to explain it, but your reaction to whatever I told you is your fucking choice. You didn't have to be a sad pussy and take it that way. You could've brushed it off and be like, "Oh next time." But nooo. You pulled that shit on me and now I feel like a jerk off and now the guilt is fucking killing me inside because you're a bitch ass who blamed it on me. "It's all your fault." Well thanks. Stupid loser fish taco. You vag. Ugh-________-

I'm like really pissed off.
Me- Can I hangout with David next wednesday?
Dad- No.
Me- Well can he comeover next wednesday?
Dad- No.
Me- Uh? Why?
Dad- I don't know. Cause no.
Me- Uhhh?
Dad- What's the deal between you and David anyways?
Me- Nothing? We're just friends.
Dad- Righhhht. Righhhht. Okaaay. *sarcastically*
Me- I'm serious, we're just friends. I'm dating Aaron, so there's nothing between us.
Dad- What does that have to do with anything? Dating? What do you mean by dating?
Me- Dating. As in.. we're going to be official when he gets back. As in we're together but not yet.
Dad- Pssh. Dating. Those stupid words you guys use. You both just started talking. and now you're dating. Ha okaay.
Me- ... Whatever.
Dad- Yeah exactly.. Whatever.

Like what the fuck? Can you be any rude? I can't have ANY guy friends, or like anyone because you fucking act like this. When I tell you I like someone, or I'm dating someone, or I have a boyfriend. You suddenly act like a sarcastic asshole! Way to fucking be supportive dad. Why is it that when Jojo was a teenager she had all these guy friends at the house and she dated boys and everything and I can't even get your fucking support? I'm your flesh and blood and you treat me like this! At least I'm being honest with you! Teenagers these days don't even talk about this stuff with their parents or even inform them about ANYTHING, and I'm over here telling you this shit. Whatever. Fine. I can't impress you. I can't make you understand me. I can't do anything. "Jessica you're too young" - Mom
Uhm? Okay? Righht, so I wasn't young when I went out with David right? Okay, okay. Fuck David. He's my best friend. And ONLY my best friend. Yeah we had something on and off through the years but it's different now. I realized that being with David wasn't meant to be. We had good chemistry but we weren't meant to be together. He never made me happy the way Aaron does. And that's what sets Aaron apart from any guy I've ever liked. He gives me feelings I've never felt before, and he truly makes me HAPPY. And it seems like both of you don't understand that. You guys KNEW I like him. So why does it surprise you that we're dating? Yes it seems too soon. It's only been a month of talking to him, and I don't know him very well, but he's different. He's special. I can feel it. I KNOW he'll treat me right, I KNOW he'll take care of me. It took me years to realize me and David weren't meant to be, but it took me 1 day to get me hooked onto this guy, 2 weeks to make me really fall for him, and a month to realize that I actually have someone who likes me for ME, and WANTS to be with me, and cares for me. But you two don't understand that. You guys think, "You're too young." or "You don't even know him." So what.. I'll learn right? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's my feelings taking over rather than my head. But when someone comes into my life and can change me from bitter to happy? Then I think that means something. There's just something about him.. idk what it is yet but I want to be with him. If you guys can't accept that. Then fuck it. I'm done trying to impress you guys, trying to make you see I'm a good daughter, and see how much I struggle to keep you guys from being disappointed in me. Fuck it. I'm doing me. Whether you guys like it or not.

I really can't believe I just let Jan dye my hair-_- She was like, what am i doing? I don't know what i'm doing. Crap dude, if my hair turns out weird, I will slice and dice her into little pieces>:P Let's just hope it turns out good, "I think you should reward me with potatoes." This kid, i swear. Lol smh.

I've been on a rapping rampage. Lmao
I've been rapping The War, Gucci Gucci, Look At Me Now, and Falling Star.. I'll probably rap some more later on. Hahaha it's so fun rapping! Idk, it's that successful feeling you get when you rap a song right! And you get it down, and you feel like a boss(x

The weirdest thing happened, of all people in the world, Emilio Mendez wrote on my wall to say Hi. I haven't talked to that kid for like a year now. And he out the freakin blue decides to talk to me now? Uhhhm.. okaaay? Sure, why not. Pretty random.

That's why I don't take pictures often and that's why I never upload pictures onto Facebook. Because I feel ugly and fat. I'm never good enough for my parents, and that's something I should already get used to. I get compared to all the time. I always get comments like, "Man you're so fat." or "What's wrong with your face." I'm tired of all your bullshit. You guys ruin my life. Ugh. -_____-

But when I'm older.. I'll prove them wrong. I'll be everything they thought I'd never be.

I hate it when my parents make me angry before I go to sleep. -_____- It's like I'm never good enough for them. "You go and complain about having homework yet you're on the phone" I'm fucking sorry that I'm trying to tell my friend I'm doing homework that I can't talk at the moment. "Man I thought you said you were exercising what happened?" Am I fucking obese? You always have to comment on how fat I am. I'm sorry I'm not perfect, and Jan is skinny and Jojo's skinnier than I am. Wtf dude. "You have so much tigyawat, what happened to your face" Bitch ass nigga, I'm a teenager! We get pimples! My bad for getting pimples ever so freakin often but I can't do shit about it. "Wow, you got big." thanks, thanks ever so much. I know I'm obese, now get the fuck off me bro. I hate you guys. Seriously, NO ONE ever points out my flaws and puts me down as much as you do. It's the saddest and most disappointing thing to live with, when your own family are the reasons for your own insecurities. "How come your sisters have straight A's and you don't?" The fuck bruh. Get off my tits! At least I'm trying! I'm sorry I'm never good enough for you guys and I can't meet your damn standards but let me live! Geez. I can never be happy because when I AM you guys some how bring me even lower. Not only does my self esteem get lower, but my confidence in myself does, my insecurities get higher, my disappointment towards you two get higher. It's just sickening to deal with all the bullshit I go through on a daily basis. Sucks being the middle child. I hate it.

Oh dayum, 2 days w/o blogging? That's weird. I usually blog like EVERYDAY. But idk, I haven't had time lately. Anywho, so I got my letter from him yesterday and this one is definitely one of my favorites! I have a feeling the next one is gonna be even better. Kehe(; I'm excited! The simplest things he does makes my days go by. "I think about you daily, I miss you ^_^" or "I'm glad summer is half way over and you're still staying with me, I love you so much." Awwwww, you freakin cutie, stawwwp it. Hahaha At least I know you think about me too(: that makes me happy. I can't believe I did it, I poured my heart out in that letter.. it was kind of hard for me, because I don't do that.. I don't pour my heart out to people unless they mean a whole lot to me, and I guess he's become so important to me I just had to. And it felt good to do it, I stayed up til 1:33 finishing my 2 page letter to him. Lol This one will definitely make him have butterflies I know that for sure(x If I were him, I'd probably read that thing like over and over like there's no tomorrow. Cause if someone said things to me like I said to him, I would be the happiest person in the world. But I'm just glad I could make him happy, his happiness means a lot, all I want is for him to be happy(:

"All the cute things you do simply tickle my heart." - My Everything

You simply made my day(: The whole entire day I felt sad.. I don't know why, I just did. It was seriously one of those days.. where I felt sad, and miserable, and I didn't want to do anything, I wanted to just mope around being sad cause I didn't know how to be happy, I wanted to stay in bed and just stare at the ceiling being sad. It was a terrible feeling, but you call me and it literally changes EVERYTHING. You made my day. I can't really explain how you're making me feel right now.. but it feels good. I feel like I'm flying? I don't know how to explain it, but I can't stop smiling either. It makes me happy that I have you in my life right now, you're one of the reasons why life is worth it. I hate my life. I'll admit that. I hate what I go through every single fucking day, but when I think back on my friends and sisters that I love and care for everyday and course, you.. it just gives meaning to my life and I could never truly explain or show how much I thank you all for that. It's a blessing.. but as for my parents.. fuck them right now.. they're the reasons why my life sucks. Sad to say, but it's true. I can't believe my sister's right.. "Aw you're falling! I could hear it in your voice." I never understood what she meant but I get it now. I AM falling and it effing scares me maan. But I like it at the same time, A LOT. Haha

Our trip was bittersweet. They fought so much and she made me feel like shit so bad I started to have suicidal thoughts but I got over it.. but then at the same time being there made me happy. It was a new environment, the weather was perfect, everyone walked around in reaaally cute outfits which made me love it so much, I just love California, I'm for sure going to go to college over there. A new start, a new life.

It was funny, the whole entire time on our way to San Francisco.. the word "Baker" popped out of the randomest places ever! Like I expected seeing Baker or Bakersfield and stuff but wtf, Baker St. in San Francisco? Okaaay.. Haha idk but there were a lot of coincedences. Everytime I mentioned him his last name came out of nowhere. I remember the first time I actually talked to Aaron on the phone, him and his friend John were trying to impress me by pick up lines and Aaron impressed me at one point, but when I noticed.. we were passing a street called "St. John" I was like, "Wth, we're talking about John right now?" Lmfao Coincedences happened a lot.

Successful day(: I got my Stanford sweater I've been wanting since elementary school. Lmao and also got a shirt for Abby. We went to Pier 39, hiked in Muir woods, and bought new chucks and nikes.

/vent.
Wtf dude. Don't tell me what to do. I do what I want to do... "Take advantage. Be smart like Jojo." Wtf, are you telling me I'm dumb because I don't ask my dad for shit all the time? Bitchass don't fucking tell me that. I ask when I NEED. I don't take advantage of people. I'm a good person, I have good morals and standards, I don't lie to people, and I have a good fucking conscience. You wonder why you're life is the way it is? Yeah I depended on Jojo, but she wasn't my whole life. I hate how you treat me. You treat me like shit. You talk about me like I'm a bad kid or something, I don't get it. What have I done to you? Sometimes you yell at me for "being mean" to Jan, but do you ever stop to wonder why I do that? Sorry I'm not perfect. Sorry I can't be just like your precious queen and princess. "Don't treat her like that, she's my baby." Fuck your face. And what am I to you? Dog shit? Thaaanks mom. Thanks. I appreciate the love. Not once have I ever heard you say you love me, or care for me and actually mean it. You used to, but not anymore. Not since I've turned into a teenager. As a kid, you showed me so much love, and now all I get from you is drama and hatred. You're always mad at me, you give me attitude, and when you're not you say shit in my face like it's okay and you act like I'm not gonna react to it. THATS why I treat you this way, that's why I give you attitude and yell at you. Because you talk shit like it's a second language or something. It comes natural to you. I hate it when you do that. Or you twist shit up to put it in my face and make me look like a bad person. God, I don't deserve this. When I AM nice to her, she still treats me the same. I stand up for myself and it back fires. I fight fire with fire. I get hurt because she's my mom, the things she tells me sting. It's like being stung by a bee when you're allergic to bees. One sting can kill you and it kills me inside that she treats me this way every single day.

So we've practically stayed home all day:| I've waited since this morning to leave and all I've done was go on tumblr. Hear them argue. Hear her nag nag nag. Complain. Complain. I've been hanging on an edge lately.. it seems my temper just keeps getting shorter. I can't tolerate anything more. I get angry at the smallest things now. I seriously feel like I have high blood pressure. I wouldn't be surprised if I do. I wish I had anger management.. or counseling.. or therapy. Or something. I'm at the tip of the point.. seriously.
"Why do all good things come to an end?"

So like I had a dream that Abby came over and she had a white fucking Chanel purse that I wanted and I wanted to steal it from her! Hahaha I wore it and it felt like heaven just wearing it, I was in love with it. But then I realized it was just a dream. Lmfao(x smh.

I love Demi's new single Skyscraper. You can tell how much emotion she puts into her song. How much it really means to her. And I honestly can relate and that the good thing. It not only means something to her but to me as well. I love her<3

It's practically 10 AM and we haven't left! Grrr. I'm already ready dude-___-
Anywho, this will be my last post until we get back Saturday night.
I had a good day with my friends yesterday, it was so lay back and relaxing. It felt good to have company and just talk about anything and just watch movies. The only movie we watched was Dear John. Lmao It reminded me of Aaron sooo much, just EVERYTHING. It made me so mad that she left Channing Tatum though. Smh. I would never do that to Aaron if it ever came to that. Long Distance relationships are reaaaally hard but that's the truest love ever. No matter the distance, sacrificing the time together, not physically being there together, but still loving eachother no matter the distance. It's truly hard but that's how you know you really love them. Ha I can barely manage him being gone for like 3 months but he's planned on doing that before I even came into the picture. And I wouldn't take that away from him, asking him to just come home now makes me selfish. "Love is never selfish" I care about him enough to support whatever he wants or does. No matter how much we miss eachother sacrificing these little things are worth it in the end. Because in the end of the day I'll always be here for him, and I'm sure he'll always be there for me.

I can't believe I practically talked about him the whole time. Haha I hope they didn't mind and I reaaally hope Aaron gets along with my friends. I really don't want to be that type of person who just focuses on their boyfriend rather than their friends. I want to be that type of person who would always be there for their friends even if I have a boyfriend. "But you have to be with your man." Yeah I know but if he loves me enough to understand we both need our friends too then that would be PERFECT. I don't know, I guess time will tell.

Fuck dude. You fucking irritate me. You act like I'm gonna be okay with some little kid being rude to my friend? Fuck that. You don't say that shit. I don't even like him! Idk why the fuck you let him in the house. I wasn't being mean on purpose okay? He was being rude to all of us and I couldn't stand it! What do you want me to do.. let the kid insult us while I'm trying to have a chill day with my girls? Wtf. He was literally ruining my day. Ughhhh. You ALWAYS make me look like a bad person. I'm tired of it. You make me seem like I'm mean, rude, a bitch. Like seriously? How bout you walk in my fucking shoes and understand why I'm the way I am. You honestly think I'm gonna tolerate pricks like that? Don't EVER insult my friends. PERIOD. I seriously hate you right now. I'm not eating dinner cause I don't want to see your face. I'll just sleep now.

We talked to Jojo finally! Aw she misses us:P Haha and the funny thing is.. she feels EXACTLY how I feel, except I just got emotional. Idk if she cried but I know I cried my ass off, I admitted it to everyone. Haha She says that Aaron's cute(: kehe. yeaaaah buddy. and she keeps telling me to take it slow, and I'm trying to! How slower can I get, I barely talk to this kid. She totally agrees with me though, the whole "I love you" thing is/was too soon. But eh I guess. Aaron just seems like he's taking it fastO.o I just idk.. I'm afraid he likes me more than I do. Like honestly I'm SOOOOO happy I met this kid, and I like him so much but dayum.. idk he seems to REALLY like me. It scares me. Oh dear. Oh welll, I have to calm my tits. We're a sure deal, as long as we both feel mutual towards eachother and we care about eachother ya know, I think that counts.

Maybe that's why you don't like me very much. I knowww I'm your least favorite out of the three. Jojo's your favorite, then Jan, thenn me..

It's probably because I speak my mind. I tell you how I feel. I tell you the truth. I tell you pretty much like it is, blunt or not. You just seem to hate the fact that I'm like that AND because I have an attitude like my dad but aside from that, you just don't like me because you can't handle the fact that I'm right all the time.

That's why I don't treat you the way Jan and Jojo do. They only treat you nice because you give them whatever they want. I work for my shit, I ask for things I only need, I tell you to budget money wisely because we don't have a lot of money where we could just blow it off like you ALWAYS do. I give you advice whenever you need it. I used to always take care of you whenever you were sick and I used to treat you pretty well before.. but it all changed once I became a teenager. I started realizing how terrible of a mother you are. You treated me like shit. And if you treat me like shit, then shit is what you'll get from me. Whoever the fuck treats me that way. I don't tolerate that. I'm not gonna let you treat me like this and act like it's okay. I can't. I fight for myself. I speak what I feel and what I think of you or whatever it may be.

If you could some how change and treat me better, not lie to me, trust me, listen to me, just have a good mother/daughter relationship then I would be the nicest daughter you could ever have. I was NEVER like this towards you until you made me this way. You MADE me bitter towards you. As I grow up each and everyday I see the REAL you. How terrible you really are. And it shows. How you treat people in general it's just sad. And I would truly be good to you if you were to me. You just don't get it all. That's your problem, you see it in your own little way and you twist everything up. It's like you have evil intentions and you work for the devil or something. You live to torture everyone and bring their self esteem down, and talk shit, and fuck up everyone's lives cause you're not happy. It's just sickening:(

Ughhhhh. You just KNOW how to ruin my moooood! You're like the MAIN reason why I need anger management dude! I go and tell you I think I need anger management and you FUCKING turn that shit around and make ME look like the bad person like fucking always! Why is it always MY fault?! Why?!

Me: I just don't have tolerance for people.

You: Yeah and people just don't have patience.

Me: Exactly! I don't have patience either, I just get so angry all the time. I just find people annoying I guess.

You: You don't think about if people think you're annoying.

Me: I don't care if people think I'm annoying. Who cares? I'm over here talking about how I THINK I need Anger Management and you're telling me to care about what people think about me? What the crap? Why should I care? Huh? Why? So I should just listen to society and care what people think of me? NO. I'm NOT going to do that! If I freakin cared what people think about me I wouldn't even be alive right now. I've already gone through depression. I'm not going back. Who would want to go back to their dark times? I WOULDN'T. So NO. Don't tell me to care what people think of me. Cause I'm a teenager, I could do whatever I freakin want to do and not care what they think of me. That's just how I am. If I haven't cared about what people think of me before, why the crap am I gonna care now? You irritate me! You ALWAYS turn everything around and make me look like the bad person! Why do you treat me like this? Why?! What have I done to you to treat me this way?

You: It's because you hate me.

*wtffffff.*

Me: See what I mean! I didn't even say that! When did I even say that to you?! Yeah I say it out of anger because you treat me this way! And you wonder why I disrespect you? Because you don't respect me at all! Respect is like trust! It takes 2 for it to work, it's not freakin one way! Why do you do this to me, I'm so mad. You don't even see how you treat me.

Awwwww I had a good day with you and Kathleen(: I can't wait til July 18! Wootwoot. It's days like these that I've truly missed. Like being with friends that you know truly care about you, and you could just tell them anything and they just get you without explanations. I just love my best friends man, I seriously don't know what I'd do without you guys. Ha

Ha, Sarah called and we were talking about Aaron's letter. And she was like, "Did Aaron REALLY send you a letter?!" I was like, "Yeaaah? Why are you so shocked?" and I guess apparently he sent his family one letter about just random shit. Like "hey i miss you guys" or "don't get into something your not supposed to." blahblahblah. And thennn he wrote me my letter. Sarah was like, "He wrote us ONE letter and then YOU had your own." I was like "Aw, your brother likes me." "Yeah apparently more than us!" "NO. Don't say that. Just don't." Hahaha Awwww, I'm writing this kid 2 pages damnit. Lmfao

I'm such A FUCKING IDIOT. Why the fuck have I been worried about being tooooo clingy?! It didn't even occur to me! I can't believe I forgot! I just remembered everytime I acted all cutesy he always found it ADORABLE and he LIKES it. He LIKES it when I do that! WHAT THE FUCK JESS. Worrying for no freakin reason. You dumbass idiot-_- Omg I can't even deal with myself right now. I hate my mind dude. Hahahaha

I'm such an idiot for sleeping so early now I'm about to sleep at 6 in the morning. 'Bout to watch Lion King 2 so by the time it's done I'll be knocked out. Ha

"You just don't get it. I hate being the middle child, it's the worst. You're always gonna be compared to and the other two always have better treatment. We're literally stuck in the middle and it sucks."

"Ohhh so they have better treatment? How about you go get ready and I'll make you feel like a queen."

What the fuck ever dude. You guys think I'm kidding, just cause I'm all smiles right now, but seriously.. deep down it hurts me the way you guys go and treat me. You don't see how much pain I have to go through because I'm always getting yelled at, I'm always the one with the attitude, I'm worse than my older sister apparently because she doesn't treat you like this, but when was the last time I fucking asked for something? I ONLY ask when needed and when I DO ask you guys go and treat me like I'm being a spoiled brat and when THEY ask they get it in a second. And it's thing they don't even neeeed. I don't get it! Yeah I'm not perfect, yeah I try my hardest and I stress out and I still don't live up to Jans and Jojo's grades but at least I tried! Everything's so much easier on them! That's why I'm the most emotional because of the shit you guys put me through. I hate having such an open mind and all you narrow minded fuckers have to make me feel cornered all the time. -___- smh.

What a fabulous day..
Right when they freakin woke me up this morning. I just loveeeeed hearing them argue. Like who the hell argues 5 o'clock in the damn morning? Are you kidding me? I was so mad. I literally got up out of bed and went for a run. I couldn't stand it, they were like "Hi Jess!" Like it was okay to yell and slam doors early in the morning. The fuck. I was like, "Don't even talk to me. You guys seriously piss me off, you guys ruined my sleep so I'm going for a run." and I slammed the door. -___- They KNOW better not to mess with me when I'm sleeping and THEN the whole letter to Jojo thing. That HURT me like a bitch. I cried so much and it gave me a massive headache that ruined my whole day. Then the whole thing with Abby.. I felt like it was partially my fault. I just feel so bad this had to happen:\ And it also rained cats and dogs in Chinatown. It made NO sense to me. It wasn't raining anywhere else except that area. I was so mad. I love the rain but not when I'm wearing white. It ALWAYS rains when I'm wearing white. Wth. It shouldn't even be raining! It's summer! Ugh.. I guess those stupid rude ass chinks in Chinatown topped off my day. Cherry on the freakin top. I just love snobbing ass Asians. Whatever I guess. I'm going to bed, my naps usually make things better.

Aw Kathleen was so nice to say those things. She has her moments where I get so pissed off at her because idk what our friendship has come to. I still don't know. But even if our friendship was rocky for awhile, no matter how much things have changed through the years, she was always my best friend. And she still is. That's why it's hard for David to understand, I always complained about her. Lmao how we stopped talking for months or how she avoided me all this time and everything. But I didn't know why I couldn't give up that title. It was something that was hard for me to tell David or make him understand. "She's not your best friend if she treats you this way." Fuck I know it was messed up but idk David. Me and Kathleen had a friendship like no other. She was practically family to me. I had a crappy relationship with her mom, because my mom fucked up my rep. She made me look bad. Kathleen's mom practically told her I wasn't a good influence on her. But see, Kathleen still stayed. She was still my friend even if her mom didn't like me. She was still there for me. She was the person I turned to when I needed a shoulder to cry on. No matter how distant we got, I still considered her as my best friend and I still do<3

My 30 Day Challenge was a bitch today-_- Originally, it was to Aaron. But idk, I remember this conversation I had with the fam yesterday. We all admitted we missed them. I told them I missed all of them, but the one I missed the most was Jojo. I didn't want to admit that, but it was true. I always keep a brave face, acting like I'm fine about them being gone, but really.. on the inside it hurts me the most. She's literally a sensitive subject for me. I hate that. I could reread my post as many times and I would cry every time. I teared up just writing in the middle.. and when I got to the end, I literally had to stop and get off the computer cause I couldn't take the pain.. I cried real hard. Again-_- Damn her. "You're gonna miss my face, don't lie." Fuck you dude, I didn't know I'd miss you this much! Ugh. But as long as I'm not the only one who felt this way.. the family feels this way. Its just hard knowing that I spent every weekend with her because I loved her and the kids far too much. I acted like it was an excuse that she filled up all my weekends. My friends were all like, "She doesn't own you Jess, just say no." and honestly, it wasn't even that. I WANTED to stay. I WANTED to spend every weekend with them. I just didn't want to admit it to everyone. Ha but I guesss. "Aww you're crying? You heart my face." -_____- Yupp, I sure do Jo.

Omg I'm crying so bad.. writing that letter to her was really hard..

I received Aaron's letter today(: It made me a pretty happy camper! Haha I literally saw it, and skipped my ass back into the house. Lmao I think I'll write him monday. Idk what to say to him right now. He was like "I'll be sure to bring you someplace nice when I get back" How random.. I want him to bring me on a date, but a fancy date? I'm not that type of girl. Lol I've tried the whole fancy restaurant type thing, it's not that great. BUT dressing up would be PRETTY sweeet. Lmao I've already planned my outfit if we went somewhere fancy, I just need to buy new heels(;

Plans tomorrow was such a freakin fail-_- I was so excited then BAYUM I decided to cancel because they were changing plans so much, I didn't even wanna deal with that. But I guess we'll be having some sort of reunion when we get back or Tiana's going to have a welcome back party. So I guess I don't have to deal with planning things. I hate planning.

I'm hungraaaay:(
I want chicken fingers like soooo bad. SO BAD.
"Oh daddy said we're going to MGM today."
The fuuck? Random much?
Okay, time to take a shower.

Tumblr, I don't care if you're sorry or if you have some sort of error. All I want, is to see my dashboard, is that so much to ask for? Sincerely Me-_-

Abby. SHUT. THE. HELL. UP. about envying her! You don't have any clue how amazing you are. Just because you feel that she's prettier, or skinnier, or better at tennis, or whatever the fuck it is. SO WHAT. STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO HER. Yes she has Tj, but did you not hear what he told you? He's TIRED of her shit, he doesn't want to be with her but he is because she's a psycho bitch. YOU are his girl best friend, and you said yourself he hasn't had one for a long time, and he REALLY likes you, he cares about you, you argue like a couple, you have great chemistry with this guy and he LIKES YOU. FOR YOU. Do you not get it? She's NOT perfect. YOU'RE not perfect, so STOP. You're making yourself lower your self-esteem for no fucking reason dude. Why do you do that to yourself?-_-

Like I'm not going to tell you you're prettier or she's prettier. Or what you're good at and shit because you should already know that about yourself. Stop trying to compete against her and be yourself. That's what EVERYONE loves about you, everything you are, makes you.. you. I can't stress how amazing you are because no matter how many times I tell you, you won't listen. You yourself has to believe that, and if you don't.. you're not making yourself any better for anyone.

And I WILL be straight up with you, idgaf. I could be a mean bitch for all I care, cause I care about you. I'm just saying.

So apparently I went on an emotional rampage yesterday according to my family-_- I guesss. I just wish they knew how they treat me, I wish they knew how I felt, and what I have to deal with. But they're all so narrow minded, I can't seem to reason with them and tell them how I feel without "being emotional" or "being disrespectful" They never consider how I feel or consider what I go through, it's just the way they see me. In my perspective, I feel that my parents see me as weak and fragile. But when I do push myself, or do things that they want me to do it's like they don't even acknowledge it or appreciate it. I'm never good enough for them. I can never reach their standards at all. I always have to try to impress them just to feel like they care for me. Cause frankly, I honestly don't think they care about me. I feel like I don't matter to them. They always give Jan and Jojo better treatment. They give them whatever they want without fighting with them. And I fight with them, because they don't give me what I want or need unless I do something about it. Whatever I do, I always seem to always end up being the problem child. The emotional child. The lazy child. or The responsible child. TELL ME what you freakin want from me. I'm either lazy or responsible, I'm either fat or I lost weight, I'm either good or disrespectful. I'm never good enough for you guys and I'm under pressure! That's why I was so irritable because I have to live up to your standards! I have to try to impress my own parents just to have their attention and no matter how hard I try I'm just not good enough.

Ya know, I can't wait to move out and live on my own. I'll be working my ass off, not for you, but for MYSELF. I'll be successful and you know what, I can't wait to prove you all wrong.

Things I think about at night.
Scenario-

"Jess, would you be my girlfriend?"
"Hm.. well before I say yes(: I just hope you know what you're getting yourself into. I'll be honest with you, for me to be with you.. I don't want this to be just a great couple of months and we'll eventually go on our own ways, I want US to BE together for a long time. I know it won't be easy but I want us to work together and to fight for eachother no matter how hard it gets. Are you ready for that?"

Otherwise.. I'm better off being alone.
No worries.
No broken promises.
No disappointments.
No lies.
No heartache.
No pain.
Just me. myself. and I.

Damn this is ridiculous. My arms freakin hurt:\ Like I feel so damn weak it's not cool. I seriously can't even tell whether it's my muscles or my bones! Ugh-_- fuck you pain, go away..

I want us to last, I don’t wanna have a great, amazing couple of months and then all of a sudden its over. I don’t want to experience the feeling of being lost, confused, and hurt all over again. I wanna be with you. And I want us to last, no matter how hard any situation is, no matter what/who comes between us.

This is LITERALLY EXACTLY how I feel. This is WHY I'm scared. Why I doubt myself, why I worry he really doesn't mean it when he wants to be with me. Because what if, all these texts and things we say to eachother are nothing but words to him? What if I'm just another girl to him? What if.. he's just like everyone else.. sticking with me for awhile, making a huge impact in my life, and all of sudden.. he leaves me at my lowest..

I'm just sick and tired of people telling me, "I'm always here for you." "I love you so much." "I miss you" "You're such a great friend to me." "I don't think you could ever lose me." "Don't worry, we'll be great friends for a long time." FUCK ALL YOU NIGGAS WHO LIED TO ME. FUCK YOU. I'm sick of it. I just don't know if I could handle anymore people coming into my life. I get attached so easily. It hurts me so much.. whether they were friends or family.. it just hurts. When I say these things like "I love you" or "I miss you." or "You mean so much to me." I seriously mean it. From the bottom of my heart I mean it. And when people just walk all over me it's just like.. how is that I could be so loyal and get treated this way? There are reasons why I hate people. And this is one of them. Loyalty and trust mean A LOT to me. Why is it that it's so hard for people to do such a simple action. And I seriously hate it when people just throw "I love you" around like it's nothing. Don't say it if you don't mean it, geez. But I mean I guess. Whatever floats your freakin boat dude. "I love you" is more of an action rather than a word. So it's whatevers, those are the people I needa look out for. The ones that show me they love me. Those are the ones worth keeping and sticking to.

You're a fucking bitch. I hate you sometimes. Stupid fucking asshole. Ughhhhhhhhhh. I hate how you always defend her! Who gives a shit?! I wouldn't be surprised if her life was fucked because you never let her learn shit on her own! She can't touch a stove, she can't wash dishes, she can't fix herself, she can't do ANYTHING because you don't fucking teach her! I have to push her to learn by herself and she doesn't even try because you're the authority! If you don't care if she learns how to do anything then she won't! You piss me off! I look out for you and I look out for her and you make me look like a bad fucking person! And then I tell you the truth this morning and you know what you say to me? "I don't want to hear this, I'm always wrong. It's like I don't have a brain." Bitch if you claim to have A BRAIN then why don't you use it huh?! UGHHHHHHHHHHH.

I never reblog this much. Something's wrong with me right now. Hahaha

Don't act like a fucking sarcastic asshole just because I don't wanna do shit for you. You're so fucking rude, it's ridiculous. I hate how you act like that. Wtf, you honestly think I think you're soooo funny cause you treat me that way? FUCK YOU. -________-

Omfg, my dad was pissing me off earlier! So there was this kid standing at a stop light, waiting for it to turn green w/ its parent. It had a boyish type of look, and reaaally long wavy blonde hair pulled back in a ponytail. And so my dad goes, "That's a girl." and I'm like, "Naw, I actually think it's a boy." "It's CLEARLY a girl. I have never seen any boy with long hair like that." "Trust me, I've SEEN boys w/ long hair like that, it's a BOY." and we went on arguing for like a good 15 mins just telling eachother it was a boy or girl. And I was like, "Why are we even arguing about this? I DONT CARE. I have my opinion, you have yours. Period. I'm not going to agree with you because I believe I'm right. Whether I'm right or wrong I don't care. Just stop. I don't wanna argue anymore. This is so stupid." "Yeah, you could be right, and I could be wrong." "Whatever I don't care." -______-

I've been pretty irritable today. This whole day pretty much blows. I hate it. Homework pisses me off. It really ruins my mood. Idk why. Lmao

And I guess I've been cussing an awful lot lately so I decided I won't cuss at all around Jan. She hates it when I do that, I mean she's used to it when I'm venting but not when I'm not mad. She was like, "Stop doing that!" "What?!" "Cussing! Do you do that around your friends?" "Yeah..." "Just stop! Not around me." Lol I guesss. It's kind of hard not to cuss when you walk around having a lot of hatred in your heart and that's the only way you can really express how you feel.. cussing. Haha My baaad. I guess I'll stop. I need to stop anyways, I kinda felt like I was going back to my old ways. I don't want to be back to those days. Not good, not good. Smh.

I hate how you talk shit. Dude you act like you're being abandoned and you have nothing. Like seriously? Stop trying to get pity from everyone it just makes you look bad. You have a fucking roof over your head, my dad pays for everything, you don't need to worry about shit and you're complaining that you don't have anything. The fuck? You should be thankful for the shit you have. People are out there with no homes, no family, no food, NOTHING and you take advantage of it. That's why your life is the way it is, because you don't appreciate what you have and claim to have nothing when you do. And then there's another thing, you treat others poorly. You have NO respect and NO manners. Karma gets to your ass everyday because the way you treat others is YOUR karma, no one would treat you so bad if you just treated others the way you wanted to be treated. I seriously don't give a fuck if your my mom, I'm not gonna treat you any better if you don't treat me bettter. I'm not gonna let you fuck me over just because you're "My mom" You seriously don't even deserve that title sometimes. Because you act like a child, I act more mature than you do and you wonder why I act the way I do? While you're over here complaining and yelling all the time SOMEONE needs to step up and act like a fucking mom. That's why I don't even know how to have fun anymore, because I act like an adult rather than a kid. Ugh you irk.

Lmfao now reading back on that shit I wrote yesterday.. I can't stop crackin up!(x

Man, I was like.. emotional yesterday. HAHAHAHA.

I seriously don't need reassurance. Wtf was I thinking. Reassurance? I KNOW he likes me. Why do I need to make sure how he feels about me when I already know? Geez Jess you're so ridiculous sometimes I swear. That's what happens when you think too much. Lol

I guess I was just upset because he couldn't text me back afterwards. I let that bother me, and I shouldn't have let it. I should've realized, we'd be talking soon. By mail. And yeah it sucks because I have to wait some more to receive a damn letter but you know what? So what. It's better than NOT talking for 3 months waiting on his ass to come back.. I should be fine now. I have strong feelings for this kid, and I'm sure it's likewise with him as well. Shoot he went crazy one time, it made me laugh. Lmao "Omg I like really love you right now, like you have no idea. Like I really love you!" Hahaha It definitely made me have butterflies in my stomach that's for sure. Cause I wasn't doing anything, I was just being myself, and knowing someone REALLY likes me for ME, well that.. that makes me feel amazing, Aaron Baker is definitely a keeper(:

Omg and I realized something that got my attention when we first met. It was probably the first thing that checked off my list of high expectations for a guy. I noticed he was playing w/ his little brother when I walked into their backyard to meet their parents, and that's such a plus for me! Omg. Guys who could play w/ kids ADORE the hell out of me. Lmao I mean I suck at playing with kids I have no patience, but when guys do it. It's the cutest thing EVER. And when his brother fell, Aaron ran up to him right away to pick him up and make sure he was okay. Gawd damn, you're so cute dude. HAHAH

Ugh I woke up in the crappiest mood EVER.-_____-
I'm about to take my first test for my US History course. I hope I do well, this shit took me FOREVER to do, like seriously. When I get home I'm working on the next packet like right away. I stayed up at 1 just to finish this shit, no wonder I'm so crabby. They woke me up at like 6 or 7 AND it was freezing this morning. Wtf. My stomach hurts like a bitch right now, I just feel nauseous:( I seriously hate the way I woke up today. I hope this day gets better..

Aw you're righhhhht, thanks. I feel much better. I guess it really scares me to lose him, after everything I've gone through in the past.. I feel like he's the best thing that's ever happened to me in a VERY long time. It's like these feelings that I haven't had before towards any guy and if I lose it.. then I would probably lay off guys for a long while. I miss him so much Abby, it bums me out-___- *sigh*

One text.

One text was the one thing that literally made my day.
It made me feel butterflies in my stomach again.
It got me excited to know he was thinking about me.
It made me feel happy.

But then again..
One text was also the one thing that destroyed me.
I feel sad, and I know I shouldn't be.
I have no reason to. I know this is really stupid
but.. I feel like crying right now. Idk why.
I'm like so bummed out it makes no sense.

I guess I really mean it when it hurts me how much I miss you.
I seriously don't know how people could handle long distance relationships.
You know they've got some major love if they can handle that. Of course it's hard, but if they could do it. Then that's incredible.

The reason why I couldn't see Aaron's point of view was because I felt he had nothing to worry about. I would NEVER cheat on him, or do anything that could ruin our relationship. I'm very faithful to him, because he really means a lot to me and I would never want to lose that. I would never want to lose him. All I'm worried about is.. whether or not he loses his feelings for me. That's all. "Don't worry, you'll be on my mind most of the time." and I truly believe that. I mean if you've been on my mind from the start then I'm sure I'll be on yours too. I hope. Lol but think about it. He's in a different state. We don't talk like at all. What am I supposed to think? Oh everything's going to be okay. 3 months I'm sure he'll still love me. Wtf no. That's why I'm worried. Feelings could fade away in a matter of weeks if anything. But idk, I guess til that day I receive a letter from him, that reassures me that he still has feelings for me and that he won't forget about me or whatevers then I'll be fine. I'll stop worrying. I'll stop getting all sad and mopey, and I'll be okay I guess.

Today was.. interesting.
At first everything was AWKWARD. The awkwardest thing I have EVER experienced. They didn't recognize us at all. Marie remembered of course, but the rest didn't. Ugh I hated it. Awkward effing turtle. Then afterwards it started to warm up a bit. They started talking more. When I karaoked, that's when the party started. Lmao "Cause the party don't start til I walk in" HAHAHA. I missed them dearly. I can't believe how long it was. We haven't seen them for like 5 years. We've all grown SO much. It disappoints me how they've gotten so bad, I know they're good kids, it's just that they've lost their ways and they choose bad decisions. Smh. I hope to see then soon though, maybe we could influence them. Lol make them change their ways.

Lmfao! I can't believe it's only been 4 days and we've posted this much. wtf. Hahahaha

Today shall be interesting, I haven't seen them since we were kids. Now we're all in like high school status and all grown up. It's crazy. I don't know what to expect.

Wtf, this is weird. I NEVER stay up til 2. Idk why but I can't sleep:\ I'll try to sleep I guess.

Ya know I just noticed;
I love doing nice things for people, it makes me feel good inside. Like letting people walk into a building before me so I hold the door for them, picking up something a person dropped by accident and giving it back to them, complimenting someone, or giving directions to people who random just ask me where something is, giving money in church, giving advice to someone who needs it, listening to someone when they have problems, need to talk, or say whatevers on their mind, giving someone a helping hand, etc. You obviously see my point but I guess when I saw my mom sleeping on the couch, I decided to put a blanket over her because I didn't want her to get cold, and doing such a simple nice thing for her made me.. feel good inside(:

Okay.. goodnight now. Lol

"I would gladly make that happen."
*sigh* ya know.. it makes me sad that you're not here. I never knew how hard it was to wait for something like this. Like this time, I know something is going to happen. That's the big difference. Before, I waited for something that would NEVER happen. That I held on for because something inside me hoped that things would just change and work out the way I want it to be. But this time, I KNOW something I want IS going to happen, but waiting for it just sucks. It sucks to know how much I like you, to know that I want to be with you so badly, and to know that I want to talk to you like every minute of my day but I can't. It just sucks. But as much as it sucks ass, one thing I know for sure.. This endless waiting that sucks so much will all be worth it in the end.

That quote Julie told me in 8th grade was pretty accurate, "In order to get the rainbow, you have to put up with the rain." And it's true. I put up with so much shit my junior year, I went through depression, and the fighting, and the drifting friendships, and a whole mess in one school year but after I just gave up on everything.. when I was at that point where I KNEW I had to let go of everything that weighed me down Aaron came along. He was the perfect person to change my life. Like he literally did. After meeting Aaron, my life changed. I see things in a more positive way and I haven't had a mind set like that in a very long time. I'm happier now. I don't let shit phase me like I used to. I mean yeah, I still get pissed off at my mom but that's never going to change but other than that, all these other things I'd expect to bring me down, just.. don't. I don't let it because at those moments, I think about the one thing that could make me smile.. the one thing that could brighten my day and that's Aaron. So I guess good things DO come to those who wait and put up with shit. I mean in the end it's just YOU alone who needs to get back up and do you for once and maybe then you'll get what you've wanted. In my opinion at least.

Holy shit. I talked to Kathleen..? and caught up with her.. sort of. Today just gets even weirder.

1st we go to the movies and I see Angelica, then I see Joann at Pinoy Pinay, then it starts pouring rain and floods are just every freakin where, then I randomly see David and Joe at Albertsons and THEN Kathleen just suddenly decides to talk to me. What the effffing hell. WEIRD ASS DAY lemme tell you. But it was nice(: I loved the rain and I enjoyed talking to Kathleen. I hope we get to hangout. This betch better tell me when she's free. Ima slap that hoe. Just kidding, but I'll get mad at her that's for sure. Ha

So we watched Transformers 3 today! I thought it was pretty good. I don't know why people think it's so terribleO.o it's not thaat bad, I love Rosie Whiteley better than Megan Fox! Idk with Megan Fox it's like she has to try to be sexy. But with Rosie, she doesn't have to do anything and she's sexy. Plus she's pretty sweet, Megan seems mean. Oh and another thing, I thought it was funny because I noticed that Angelica was sitting next to my mom when we were at the movies. Idk why, but I seem to see her around a lot. Either at the mall, store, or whatever.

I have literally spent the entire day doing this packet. It's coming along, I just need 2 more chapters to finish the packet. Then on to the next 4 packets-_- I think my only choice is to talk to my teacher. Because I honestly don't think I could pass these tests without having to retake them.

It's already July, guess what that means? AP exam results. I hope I passed them. I'm not too confident about Psych but hopefully I passed US History. I'm praying and crossing my fingers.

Oh and I sent the letter today:D Omg, I'm excited for his letter back to me. Lmao
Kay.. back to homework I guess-___-

Why do you always get in everyone's business like we're hiding something from you? It really irritates the fuck outta me. Like stop. I went outside just to mail my letter to Aaron and you walk out there like I was going somewhere or something, "Where are you going?" the fuck? where the hell would I go if I just woke up, I'm wearing wildcat sweats, and an ironman shirt, with my hair up in a ponytail. Now tell me, where the HELL would I go? I would NEVER set foot ANYWHERE dressed up like this, all I was doing was mailing a letter and you go and question me like I'm doing something bad. I'm fuckin glad you left to go somewhere, I don't want to see your face. You always try to get into everyone's business. Put your fucking nose down you nosy ass bitch. Mine ya businesss, people need their own privacy and you walk in like you're some queen bitch or something, even when I'm changing dude! Like be respectful and knock sometime or like ask without attitude. Cause that's all you seem to be doing to me, is giving me attitude. I'm tired of your shit dude. I just wanna slap you across the room sometimes I swear.

I'm so fucking pissed off. Homework just ruined my mood, seriously. I barely fuckin finished one page and it's been an hour. Wtf. I'm so maad, how the hell am I supposed to finish these packets within 4 days-____- So much for a good night.. history can smd. Stupid ass homework. Ughhhhhh.

*sigh* today had its ups and downs.

Ugh. You're a bitch. A psycho bipolar lookin ass w/ a multiple personality disorder. I hate how you treat me-_- Giving me attitude the second I walk into the house, bitch fuck you. But you know what, fuck it. Fuck all your crap.

I'm gonna be happy here, writing my soon to be boyfriend's letter in happiness. Because I'm not gonna let you phase me any more. I'm done with your shit.

First post for the month. Woohoo(:
I'm so happy! Tiana's back in town, and I get to see her lovely face again! Hopefully tomorrow. And in about 15 days we get to watch HP7 Part 2! Boy am I excited. My dad wants to watch it in this big dome type theater place in San Jose. I neeeed to buy a Harry Potter shirt PRONTO. Like seriously, there's a sale in Hot Topic and it's a must. Haha I'm buying my ass a key chain and shirt idc what my dad thinks. This is important. Lmao