So like before I go to sleep, I want to get things off my chest before I forget. Uhm that last few lines of that post you had at 8:58pm, all I want to say is.. Ouch, you fcking stingray that hurts my heart. lmao jk I knowwww, it was an at the moment thing. Ain't even trippen balls. Just sayin(: and, I'm not trying to lecture you or anything, I just want you to know what's on my mind, thats just it. Okay? So, I understand that those texts are the only thing you have left of him. I get it. Buut knowing the fact that you're keeping the best memories of him, it just destroys you each day because it hurts the most. It really does. The ups and downs that you had together were moments you never wanted to forget, but when it comes down to that part in life where that "flame" you had between you two suddenly vanished. You NEED to accept it and let go. Whether it was your friendship or more than that. Or else the memories, the kept text messages, and everything else about him will KEEP you unhappy. You WILL stay unhappy if you don't move on, and it's on you. No one else can make you happy but yourself and I just want the best for you. I'm not just saying that because I'm your best friend or that I care for you.. it's just that, when someone close to you sees, hears, and knows how much one kid could take away your happiness, it not only makes you unhappy but it also makes me unhappy too. Your feelings are my feelings. Not literally but you get my point. I sound like a hypocrite when I'm going to say this but I want you to try it.. I'll give you a month to fully move on.. the whole thing, no text messages, no thoughts, no kept feelings, the whole enchilada and if you haven't then I can't say anything more. I can't tell you to move on. I can't do anything to help you move on or anything that relates to that somehow. Because I've tried to convince you and it's pretty much up to you. I can't make you do something you don't want to do. That's not how a best friend is supposed to be, they're supposed to support you through your decisions and that's what I'm doing. I'm supporting you . I know I gave you a deadline and I know I told you it takes time, well fuck that.. you have no time to act like a mopey monster, you have a life ahead of you that's supposed to be filled with knowledge, new experiences, happiness, and joy. I'm only asking you to do this because I'm looking out for you. I hope you understand. Kay goodnight. btw I love you ho<3 and I'm sorry if it's long. *That's what he said(:<

Lies.

It's really hard for me to believe that you really love me. You "say" that you love me, but do you really mean it? You go and tell me that you "regret" meeting my dad. Therefore, if you regret meeting my dad, you regret having me and Jan. It sucks, ya know? When your own mother regrets you and feeds you with all her lies. "Listen to what people say when they're mad, that's when the truth comes out." and according to this quote all the bs you tell everyone is the honest truth huh? It hurts me to say you're my mother. I'm embarrassed and ashamed that you are. Look at how you treat others, I'm not surprised why your life is like this. She looked at Jo and said "I regret leaving your dad. Why did I leave him?" and walked out the door. My heart shattered the instant she said that.She regrets meeting my dad, therefore she regrets having us. Fuck you too, have a nice life.

""All my life I've focused on keeping everyone happy, my parents, my family, and friends, but in doing so I forgot about me.."

"Girls have a bad habit of holding on for too long. Guys have a bad habit of letting go too easily."
Dude I think that's soooo true! I hate it-_-

"I do not have attention deficit disorder. I have what you're saying is boring the shit out of me disorder."
Lmao! I just want to say this to David soooo bad. But it's mean. I've already stopped calling him, I can't be any more of a bitch to him. It's not my fault that I don't really like talking to him. Plus, all my life has been bs and drama lately. What's new? I don't want to vent to him again. We all know where that's headed, "Sorry I don't know what to say to that." "I'm trying to relate that to what I've been going through but I can't." Like stfu. All you have to say is, "I'm sorry." or "Everything is going to be alright." Something along those lines besides those 2 damn lines! That's why I just don't like talking to you, I guess you don't get it. And when you talk, I just get into sleep mode and I just want to fall asleep. Half the time, I don't even know what you're talking about! The things you talk about are ridiculously BORING. It's always about your teacher. Or how your day is. I don't want to talk about the same things, I want to talk about things that are interesting and not repetitive. Is that all I could ask for?

So after watching Demi's interview last night on 20/20, it gave me more respect towards her. A LOT more respect. After all of the things she struggled through and overcoming her struggles made her become my celebrity role model(next to Lady Gaga) and also my inspiration to stay strong. I love how she held full on 100% responsibility on her mistakes, acted on her problem to make her a better person, and remained strong for herself and for her fans. Those are the reasons I feel the way I do towards her. She helped me believe that I can stay strong too. I've gone through so much crap bc of my mom, and I swear.. she's like the main reason for my unhappiness. I honestly don't want to put all the blame on her and making her seem so bad but it's the truth. That's how she makes me feel. I remember I was at a point in my life where I wanted to cut myself, but I didn't of course. I couldn't stand to go that far. Buut I wanted to. I was so depressed, and angry, and lost inside that I wanted to. I guess you could say that I was emo, minus the cutting. She made me this way. She's the reason I can't trust people very well, she's the reason why I have issues w/ touching, if she didn't put this stupid thought in my brain as a little kid I wouldn't be that way. I'm traumatized. I really am. And it hurts me. I can never be satisfied w/ my life bc I have to live through of all the negativity, I have to live through her bullshit. And after Demi's message, it gave me hope. Hope that I can stay strong, even if I feel broken all the time. I'm not alone and I can get through this. Thank you Demi Lovato, I love you!<3

This is freakin gay.

Today was pretty productive(: I did half of my SPECs, I'm going to do the rest of it tomorrow, Saturday I'll have to finish every ounce of hw from other classes and that would be it for school during Spring Break for me. Yesterday I cleaned and rearranged my room a bit. If my bed wasn't so flipping huge, and if my drawers weren't so flipping heavy and fat I would rearrange my whole room. Buuuut nooo, everything had to be elephant status. It's alright though. I found a new hanger thingy for my scarves! It matches my shoe rack, lovee it. And awhile ago before I talked to Abby on the phone, I started decorating my wall again. I guess after all the negativity and fighting, it brought out my old creative OCD side out of me again and gave me a peace of mind. My attitude today was completely different from my usual moods and I like it, I was a mellow melon today:D Calm and peaceful.

Exactly how I feel.

Spring Break sucks so far.. I was actually glad to have a stress-free week of no school, but when I'm not worrying about school, family has to be the one thing to stress me even more out. I'm at a point where I feel like I have high blood pressure-_- Is that possible for my age? I've never thought it could be. Idk, but all this anger I have built up inside just does NOT feel good:\ I feel more hate inside of me than love, and that goes beyond my personality, beyond me and because she makes me mad so much I've gotten so irritable that even the small things she does or says to me makes me mad. It's getting ridiculous. I'm usually the peace wanting, no fighting, neutral one in our family and I guess her negative presence has gotten the best of me. Even my sarcasm is acting up! I'm more serious than ever. I was joking or being sarcastic around Jan's friend and she just stared at me like I hurt her feelings or something, and I had to really think about what I just said to her for like a millisecond and I responded saying, "Juuuust kiddinnng." Then thats when she laughed. Phew. I dont want to come off rude to people just because I'm angry at my mom. Taking my anger out on people, that's just not me at all. I wish I could just go somewhere far far away by myself, and not worry about ANYTHING. Not worry about my fcked up family, not worry about school or grades, not worry about drifting from my friendships, not worry about the damn world. Stress free, just me myself and I.

OH HELL TO THE NO.

How DARE YOU steal my Chanel purse?! What the fuck were you thinking, tryna steal my shit and think I wouldn't find out? What do I look like a charity case? You have your own damn money to buy your own damn things, don't you dare steal shit from me. That's like stealing a dudes video game system.. if you stole their xbox 360 or someshit away from them they go CRAZY. You NEVER steal a girl's designer purse! NEVER EVER EVER! Especially people like me! If you weren't my mother you wouldn't even be alive bro! I'd hunt your ass down! I mean, that's one thing to steal my ssc and lose it, but my designer bag? Really? Really now? I don't even steal from you. I simply ask, borrow, and give back, but you straight up take shit from me, hide it, and keep it. That's just not business. I disown you.

I want my damn pillow back-_-
Fuck today.
Fuck fighting.
Fuck the drama.
Fuck it all.
Fuck everything.
I'm so over everything, seriously. I don't need this. I'm only 16! I've been stressing so much that I act like an adult rather than a teenager. I have a feeling I'm going to fight w/ mommy tomorrow-__- fuck me side ways. I hate fighting. So much anger and hate, why can't we all just get along? Be happy for once? I wish money wasn't such a problem to my mom, I wish I could just burn it right in her face just to see her twitch or something. Cause she claims money isn't everything to her, but I swear to bob.. Money is like her whole life. It literally is. I bet if she had to choose over me dying or 100 million dollars offered to her for free, she would choose the 100 million over me. Maan she could talk shit in front of your face or behind your back like it's nothing, she's a hardcore shit talker. Not cool:\

I realized this blog, is the REAL ME. How I feel everyday. Tumblr is just what I like and what I want to SHOW strangers and people from school how I feel. Or let's just put it this way.. Tumblr is my appearance, and Blogspot is my emotions.

It's so sad how I just don't know if I really love my mom. I've lived a complete lie. I don't even know my mom. All I know is that she's some psycho ass backstabbing lying piece of shit of a so-called mother. I just can't stand her. That's why it's so hard for me to really believe anyone these days, it's so hard for me to believe that there are people out there who love and care for me when my own mother can't do that for me. I hurt everyday living with her. With everything that's happened for the past days, weeks, months, and years, it's hard for me to stay strong anymore. But i'm trying, and that's all that I can do.. is try. To keep trying and stay strong, because if I breakdown.. who's there to pick me back up? No one but myself. I'm nothing but a regret to her, I'm always compared to my dad, I'm always the jealous one, I'm always everything you hate. I hate how you treat me. I'm not your friend who you can go and talk shit about with your friends and backstab me and act like a plastic frigid bitch at my face and act like nothing happened. That's not gonna cut it for me bro, I'm not buying that little act you play with everyone. Fuck that. I'm your daughter. If you want respect from me, you earn that shit because I'm not gonna let you walk all over me even if your my mom. I don't let ANYONE push me and act like they can get away with that. If you're gonna go act like a little whiny teenager, go ahead. Your act doesn't phase me. Go yell at me and throw tantrums, DILLIGAF? Nope! IDGAS. At this rate, you don't deserve a family. You don't even have any friends. Because you consistently treat everyone like shit because you're not happy. Well I'm sorry, welcome to reality. You can't always have what you want. You have to earn it. BYE.

My school day sucked, but after thaat.. it was.. actually pretty good?;D I rested for like awhile after picking Jan up from school, went to north town just because, went to Goodwill cause my mom needed things.. I love thrift shopping! If you look real hard, you find so many designer things w/ a decent price, hint hint.. a cheap price. Hah some things were actually pretty cute! There was a bag I wanted for $30 but mommy wouldn't get it-_- but it's okay, Jojo said she'll get me a Michael Kors bag one day. Once I get a job, I'm saving up for a damn Michael Kors bag. That's my goal. That's my favorite designer. Fuck Coach, that's too mainstream for me. So while we were in north town, we visited Jo and the kiddos. I missed em even if I saw them just 5 days ago(: It's really gonna hurt me when they leave. I'm just too attached right now. I already tear up whenever someone mentions them leaving, I hate the topic of them leaving, I hate it when it's brought up, I hate thinking about it, hearing about it, talking about it, EVERYTHING. It hurts me.. a lot, just the fact that I've gotten so much closer to my sister, that does so much for me, the one that I depend on too much, and the one I've grown up with, just so she could leave me. It just really sucks, and I've gotten really attached to the kids too, I could never want to leave them. Everyday, they grow up and time apart from them makes me feel like I'm missing out on them. I mean it makes me sound like some sort of parent but it's not like that, Me and Jan are their aunties.. like real aunties. We took care of those punksters since they were born. It upsets me.. but I mean let's face it, we allll are growing up.. as much as it hurts me that I'm going to be very distant from my family or friends in the future, I just needa do me. Focus on myself and focus on the future ahead of me. Anyways, so we had dinner there and I watched Vampire Diaries at their house. Tonight's episode was mindblowing but at the same time confusing cause I couldn't hear the tv that well from the baby crying or my mom and her endless babbling nonsense lookin ass. Other than that, the night went pretty well, and here I am.. blogging my night away while I still have hw calling my name. Lol well "toodaloo muthfuckaaa." -Hangover

PS- Harry Potter: Deathly Hallows comes out tomorrow! I might just watch it w/ Jo this weekend after Pure Aloha. If we even go. I'm contemplating on whether or not to buy Deathly HallowsO_o I just.. don't know.

"Moving on isn't about never looking back, it's about taking a glance at the past and seeing how much you've grown since then"

Holy shit. Lmao I didn't know that whole new layout thingy existed:o Hahaha thank youuu Abby. (x Anywho, I think I need to learn how to listen.. I mean I'm pretty good at listening but when it comes to David.. I start blanking out everytime he talks. Lmfao It's time for a new change. Gosh damnit, my sister popped my volcano nose, and it was bleeding real bad so I had to put a bandaid on it. ALL FUCKING DAY I got asked, "What happened to your nose?:P" Geez la weeez. That was so annoying how repetitive I had to be today! I'm just glad everyone was so understanding about it ya know? I felt so embarrassed having to go to school like this let alone 2 weeks w/ that volcano but everyone was just like, aw I'm sorry or yeah that sucks but it's okay I understand we all get pimples, it's high school. So I didn't feel as embarrassed after awhile.

He texted me asking if I was busy. But I told him I was tired, so we're going to talk tomorrow. Oh gee, tomorrow's going to be interesting. I feel like telling him why I haven't called. Hm, idk.. we'll see. I'll blog about it after it happens.

Dude, I'm putting this on repeat. Lol This is one of my favorite Celine Dion songs, and I'm determined to get all the notes down. I can sing this, I know I can, it's just the high notes that get me. I think I'm just scared to project my voice or something. Starting today, this will be my shower song, until I get it down. Lmao

Most Common Word Said When Upset:

Fuck.

Lmao! I realized 'fuck' is the main word I tend to say when I'm angry or upset.

What the actual fuck. Tonight was just a whole bunch of bullshit. So we were supposed to sleepover my sister's house just because, and comes to show her land lord was supposed to visit over the weekend and so it was a reliever that me and Jan were coming over, so we could help out ya know? So it's like 10 at night, and I'm exhausted as fuck.. see my whole plan was to sleep on the couch right when we got there but when we got there.. Jo was hoggin the bitch, and the 'rents were still there, so I decided to just chill out and go on the computer to wait. As we're there, all I hear is Jojo yelling her ass off and giving attitude the whole time, and it just BUGS. Like seriously? It's late at night and you're gonna act all rude around us? Just shutup. Then she goes and has the nerve to call me "Anti-social" because I'm not over there w/ her, talking and whatnot. Isn't it clear that I'm tired? So of course her voice is just itchin and I go "No. I'm tired. You're irritating." Knowing her, she flips out like a fuckin chihuahua and yells at me sayin "How the hell am I irritating?! Get off my damn computer! Why the hell are you even here then if you're gonna act like a bitch? Fuckin leave if you're gonna act like that." and so I'm crabby already of course I'm gonna defend myself. I wasn't even acting like a bitch in the first place. So I get off cause I don't even want to be in her prescence, her negative zen throws my mood off balance. So I took her suggestion, like she wanted.. I decided to leave. We all left together. There was NO point in being there and mommy was all trying to tell me, "Jesss, she needs help. Help her. She's the only one cleaning, and taking care of the kids." Fuck your face. All you fucking do is defend your favorite fucking daughter. Shut the fuck up and get off me. You weren't even in this in the first place so SHUTUP.I'm so angry. Like it's not even cool. Everything was fine until you just haad to call me "Antisocial." All I wanted was an apology and I would've stayed. But NO. You had to be a little pussy and lose the help you needed. It's SAD how you aren't appreciative. You're given SO MUCH, and you don't even give a damn shit. You didn't have to treat me that way. I don't deserve to be treated like scum when I was willing to take a weekend to volunteer to clean your house. FOR FREE. If you weren't the way you were, your life wouldn't be so hard. You would have friends if you weren't so fake and chose your fake ass boyfriend over them. Your family wouldn't resent you if you didn't take advantage of them so often, and taking care of the kids wouldn't be so difficult if you just knew how to interact w/ them and manage your time wisely to actually clean up around the house. I get it, you're a "single" military mom, but do you think you're the only one out there NOT in your situation? Some people have it worse than you do & that's why it's so upsetting because you're so freakin lazy & unappreciative. You should be THANKFUL. Sadly.. you aren't.

And I realized that was probably the first time I EVER stood up for myself infront of Jojo. I'm like proud of myself, but at the same time I'm not, because that wasn't how I wanted to end the night. I also can't help but feel like I was wrong to do what I did, and my parents don't really seem too happy about my decision:\ I dont knoww.. the way I see it, "Appreciate the help you're offered, bc if you lose it.. you lose it all." and it's true, she doesn't have any friends, she doesn't have a boyfriend that she can trust, who doesn't really treat her right, and right now.. her family is all that she has, and she's just throwing us away by her rude manners, her lack of appreciation, and unnecessary attitude.

Ya know, I hope it bothers you that I haven't called you yet. It's been like.. 2 weeks since I've talk to you. Yeah you're right, "I wasn't reassuring." This time, I didn't call on purpose. Wanna know why? Because YOU as my best friend, I thought would have been one of the few to really understand the fact that for those 2 fucking weeks I was stressed and depressed, I specifically told you I haven't talked to A LOT of my close friends and you had the damn audacity to tell me I wasn't being reassuring? I didn't want to fucking lie to you and say, "Oh hey. I'm not calling you until 3 weeks later. Just so you know." I told you I've been busy, I told you I was upset with the fact that my sister's leaving to Guam and you're going to make me feel like "the jerk" once again? Oh just fabulous. Fanfreakintastic-_- Fuckin asshole. Ya know? You can be the sweetest person I know but at the same time be the biggest asshole ever just by the simplest shit you do. How the hell? Gawd you irk. And I haven't even talked to your ass in forever! Man, I think I'm taking it up the ass or something, but it just sucks because I straight up talked to you about it, about how I felt like a jerk.. not talking to you in awhile because I don't have time to or I just don't feel like talking to any of my friends these days.. and you said you were fine w/ it. How could you go and say you're fine about it and then imply that it bothers you that I don't call by your response to me saying "I wasn't reassuring"? It doesn't make any sense to me at all. That's why I've held a grudge since then. I go and tell you "I'll talk to you soon!" and I really was being honest too! I really waas gonna call "soon" buut since you had to be a rude crab about me not calling often, I just haad to do it on purpose. Give you what you wanted, ya know? "Soon" doesn't mean tomorrow or the next day, but it's not like I said "later." which was really implying weeks on end or if not maybe months or something.. later could mean anything. But I didn't say later, did I? NO. I said SOON. Which didn't give you the right to treat me like I don't even care about our friendship. I'm the one who carries our friendship in the first place anyways! You barely talk to me about ANYTHING. I can't just act like I'm fine w/ talking to a wall, because I'm not fine w/ it. I'm sorry I don't call as often as you want me to but you just don't get it! Take the hint buddy! YOU. ARE. BORING. & I'm not even gonna lie, it sounds rude bluntly saying you're boring, but really.. it's the truth! Scouts honor. Lol I swear, I can already predict our whole conversation. I mean all you say is, "So.. what's there to talk about?" or "Uhh, I don't know what to say to that." Those are the 2 lines that I here you say EVERY FLIPPING TIME. Can you just not? Like seriously. You are the most irking person I have ever known in my life. My whole existence. The whole world. The whole freakin universe. You're at the same 'irk level' as my mom dude! Do you know how SAAAAD that is? That's the worst level to EVER be at. EVER. EVERRRRRRRRRR. Just sayin.

SEPTEMBER=PIMP
Loves to chat. Loves those who love them. Loves to takes things at the centre. Great in bed. Inner and physical beauty. Doesn’t pretend. Gets angry often. A meaningful love life partner. Makes right choices. Treats friends importantly. Brave and fearless. Always making friends. Does not harm others. It is all about love and fairness. Easily hurt and hard to recover. Daydreamer and does fullfill. Opinionated. Does not care to control emotions. Knows what to do, to have fun. Unpredictable. Someone to have close to you. Extremely smart, but definitely the hottest AND sexiest of them all.

Happy April Fool's Day!(;

I didn't believe any of the lame pranks today. Usually I believe em, bc i'm like soo gullible but I didn't believe anything today. Today was closure for me. I completely accept the way things have been, and I'm not sad anymore;D I'm going to the Mr. Las Vegas Pageant at my school, hope it better be worth my effin 2 dollars-_-