*sigh* I honestly can't wait til I see you tomorrow. I have been longing for you for like ever.. I didn't want to leave your side homecoming night. Even when I was mad at you I wanted you by my side. How pathetic. You don't realize how attached I've gotten to you. Well you probably do, but it's crazy how I have. I can't stand how often I become lovesick. I've never even experienced love-sickness until you came into my life. You're my first everything. You've become apart of my life that I just can't.. lose.

This line:
"You're the dullest, emptiest vessel of a human being I have ever encountered."
has gotta be one of my favorite lines to ever say to a person. The funny thing is, it's just an intellectual way to tell someone they're boring. Ha! The beauty of tumblr (;

I feel better now that I got all that stuff off my chest. Except, I thought it would've been better in person rather than on the phone, but I had no choice. Who knows if I'm really going to see you on Halloween. It's honestly up to my parents to decide. I hate how it's a damn school night -__- Gosh. Fucking school. Lol

"No, no, no. You are the greatest girlfriend I could ever have, you're the best."

*sigh* you definitely have a way with words kid. Lol

I really mean that much to you huh? I'm oblivious to the fact that I mean SO MUCH to you, it's not because I just don't care to notice, but because it's hard to believe that I mean that much to someone, that they're scared to lose me. You sounded so sad on the phone.. like your everything was on the line or something. I mean I guess that's just it, "with all your little flaws, and your little quirks, somehow you keep drawing me back in." I can't stay mad at you no matter how much I try. Even if you fuck up I feel like I'm obligated to get you right back on track and stand by you through anything. I don't why I feel that way, but I do. When Kathleen asked me "Do you think you're going to marry him?" I honestly didn't know what to say to that. I can't just be like, "Oh yeah definitely." Then it doesn't happen. I'm just bringing the highest expectation upon my shoulders just to lead me to my lowest when it doesn't happen in the end. I mean I'm not trying to say I don't think we'll ever get married. But for now I'm trying to just focus on our relationship. He's over here thinking about us getting married and having kids and stuff.. and I'm just like.. "Yeah.. Mhm" I don't know..

"You're my pretty little ehu girl, who made me a fool in love, got my heart up in a whirl, now it needs coolin off, you set my heart on fire, and I don't know what to do, you set my heart on fire, cause I'm so in love with you, my ehu girl" (: I'm like in love with this song, it's been on repeaaat. LOL

Anywho.. I wish Jan would wake up :\ I'm freakin bored! I can't believe I went to sleep at 10! -_- this kid went to sleep at 2. Grrrr. So now I'm all lonely and bored at 8 o'clock in the morning. I woke up at 7, how sad is that. *sigh*

I was on a roll dude, I was so set on not talking to you until freaking monday. But you just haaad to call me!

J: Hello..
A: Uh yeaah.. I know.. you're still pissed at me..
J: No I'm not (: *giggles* well not anymore. Ha
A: ...
J: Why what's up?
A: ... I just wanted to say I'm sorry and that I love you..

I'm glad you apologized. That means a lot. We're okay for now.. but I still need to get some things out of the way.

I think I'm going to come over on Halloween to apologize though. I actually feel bad that I yelled at you on the phone. If anything you didn't need that, that previous day you had your dad yelling at you. That's enough for you to deal with and with your girlfriend yelling at you, that was just plain mean. But ya know, there's a first for everything. Lol I wasn't expecting you would see my "Angry" side so suddenly. Oh well.

I have never been so ANGRY and ANNOYED by you in my life until now! I'm so fucking happy I didn't see you yesterday. You would've had it from me, I would've yelled at your ass in a fucking parking lot. I wouldn't even care if it were infront of a lot of people! I don't know if I can trust you right now.. you're losing my trust from the shit you do. How many times do I have to tell you "Stop ditching." "I don't want you ditching anymore, promise me you'll stop." "Get your grades up." Fuck dude, I'm not your parent! I shouldn't be telling you this! You act like a fucking child! I didn't sign up for this. I didn't want to be in a relationship with a guy who acts like a little child who thinks everything is all fun and games, 'I'm just not gonna give a fuck about school and have fun with my friends and blow my fucking paycheck on them.' Nigga bitch, that's how you've been pretty much acting. I shouldn't even find these things out from your family and friends in the first place. I don't even know if I believe that you've gotten your grades up. I'm sick and tired of having to deal with your bullshit. I don't know whats real and not anymore.. I'm beginning to question whether you love me or not. Question is.. do you love me enough to change? If you prove to your family you've got your shit together, then you can prove me wrong. You're the reason why we barely talk anymore.. I hope you realize that, "I've fucked up, I'm sorry." Everytime you say that I forgive you. I tell you to stop saying that because you haven't. Everything's fine. But right now, it's not fine. You've fucked up big time. We barely talk to eachother, we barely see eachother, you may or may not graduate from the shit you've been doing, you've got over 10 unexcused absences from ditching, your grades are crappy, you almost got your dad in trouble.. he could go to freaking jail because you've been ditching so much! Your friends are fucking underclassmen! They look up to you! "If Baker ditches, I'm gonna ditch too! :D" That's just how it is. You're the influence you big dummy. Do you realize that? Obviously not. I need you to change. I need you to grow up. Stop acting like this. Why are you acting out anyways? You can't tell me that you've been having problems at home and you just feel that this relieves you, because I'VE been having problems at home, yet you don't see me acting out. Considering the shit I go through every day all my life, you would expect I would be the type of person to rebel but no. I have good morals and standards, I know I want a better life for myself, and even though my parents can't give me that, I have to give myself a better life. I choose to have good grades, my parents don't give a shit about my grades. As for yours, they do.. and you go on and fuck up your grades. I hate school just as much as you do trust me, that's been my motto since 1st grade. But I know better, I've always had a mature mind set and I guess I need to change that aspect about you.. I need to guide you to a better path. According to my dad.

"Maybe you're in love with the idea of being in love with someone you could love." That oddly makes sense. Lol Hm? Makes me wonder.. maybe that's what I've been feeling lately O.o because idk how I've been feeling, I claim that I'm in love, because I do feel like I am but.. am I really? Hm? That's the question. Considering it's early in the relationship. That's why I've been questioning myself. I've been wanting to talk about it with someone but.. idk I just never have, until now. Lol

It's been a long time since I've written about something good. I guess it's time to spill. Lol
Half of this week was good (:

Monday- Stupid twats were like "Jessica it's not inside out day." Shut the hell up. After our meeting after school Liz, Jojo, Christian, and I went to visit Stanford Elementary.. and it brought back the good old times. I miss my childhood sometimes. Lol I totally found out that Jojo might've gotten Liz preggers but it's not for sure.. those bitchasses. Irresponsible stupid heads -_- Then I saw Aaron, but I didn't say Hi. I was too busy beating up Jojo for being so irresponsible. Lmao

Tuesday- One word. Awesome! I looked so cool lookin all samoan. Haha Everyone liked my outfit. I didn't have to stay at the Honor Society meeting for long, and so I just kicked it with my orchadorks. They argued and got all frustrating which pissed me off and so I had to yell at them for the first time to make them stop. I mean we're like family, stop with the crap and get along damnit. Lol Later on we went to the choir concert together and Ms. Hilton was phenomenal! I love her (:

Wednesday- Crappy fucking day. My mom wakes me up all shitty. Gives me attitude. Makes me late to work. I didn't really like work that day either. Then I got picked up by Braddy's dad. I had to get ready for my concert. Tell me fucking why I couldn't get a ride to my own fucking concert. -__- So I walked. I was late of course. I felt like crying that night. It was terrible. I felt like my day was getting worse and worse. But my orchadorks made me feel better and we all did really well considering it was our first concert. After I had dinner with my best friends, which made me feel better.. but my mom still overall ruined my day. Oh well..

Thursday- That day was poppin! I had a great day from start to finish (: School was fun, but after Meghan picked me up and we picked up some other orchadorks and went to this music workshop. We got to see these world famous hot cellists, Luka Sulic and Stjepan Hauser, answer questions and perform With or Without You by U2, Smooth Criminal by Michael Jackson, and Welcome to the Jungle by Gun n Roses. They were amazing! It was a great experience. After the workshop, my lovely orchestra teacher treated us to frozen custard! And I've gotta say that frozen custard is officially my favorite! Better than ice cream ;D I can't believe she spent 50 dollars on us. I love her, one of my favorite teachers. Then I went to the Bone Game, got in for free thanks to Liz <3 spent that night with Abby and met that Mathew kid. He's aight, he's cute but his freaking pictures make him look hot. Haha

Friday- Got Starbucks in the morning. Wore my Batman shorts. Some guy was like "Nice pjs (;" Hahaha "Thanks!" After school, I had a JETS day and that was super fun! We spent the whole day together. We went to Sonic, played "Penis," while on our way to Target, played hide and seek in Target, went to Payless, walked back to my house and karaoked all night. Lol but I got tired of karaoking so we watched Chuck & Larry to end the night. I love those guys :)

Saturday- I bought these super cute open toed heels to match my outfit. I thought I looked pretty good last night. Lmao Or in Abby's words "I'm gorgeous now" Ha (x It was so awkward with my dad talking to Aaron -_- I didn't know what to do, stare at them? Like what am I supposed to do? Haha it went okay though. He actually talked to my dad O.o I guess my dad likes him, and trusts him to take care of me. I can't believe my dad's okay with us? He's so anti-Kheeyhaen but he's okay with my relationship.. Weird.. The dance was gay. I wasn't comfortable with his friends so I couldn't get into my wild party dancing mood. Lol He still hasn't seen that side of me. Oh well. But his friends are nice, I like em. He's friends with Michelle Padua's brother. Lmao! What a small small world. I haven't seen her since.. 3 to 4 years ago. Uhh, there were less people at the dance than I thought. It's weird, because at Vegas, the dance is packed and at Eldorado.. there was barely anyone except black and mexican people. It was the ghetto-est dance I've ever encountered. Lap dances left and right. Girls grinding and dry humping eachother. Like have some decency, no wonder guys don't have respect for girls anymore.. because of THAT. -__- I had a great time though. It still makes me laugh! I totally gave him a boner. Haha (x At least he danced with me, I'm happy. I've always wanted a guy to dance with me and he did. Pretty well too ;) I hated it though, his friends didn't know the dougie or the cat daddy! I was like oh helll yeah, I tried to get my dougie and cat daddy on, but these bitches.. go and make a freaking train and shit. Smh At Vegas we actually have dancers, so it's pretty entertaining to see breakers and jerkers and all of them compete, but no. Eldorado had sluts and whores giving their dates lap dances. No one really knew how to dance. Booo. Oh well. What a sweetie though, he brought me flowers and got me a penguin pillow. Lol Gotta love my boyfriend <3

Are fucking kidding me?! It's already 9 fucking 30 and you're going to fucking take a shower????? WHAT THE FUCK. I have to get to my job site by 9:50 and your dumbass wants to fucking lag? Are you fucking me right now? I can't be late! It makes me look bad! I'm pissed off dude. This is the 2nd Wednesday you pissed me off. Today's going to be a bitch too. Because I'm sick and tired. My concert's today. I'm having a dilemma with transportation and it's all because of YOU. Your bitchass. I told you several times this whole entire week my concert was on Wednesday. "My concerts tomorrow." "My concert is on wednesday" and you last minute try to figure out transportation?! The fuck? Now I'm screwed! I don't know how the hell I'm going to get to my concert and get back home. I want you to fucking step on a thumb tack or something. I'm so pissed off. EVERY FUCKING WEDNESDAY. Are you TRYING to give me a bad grade? -______-

That was the awkwardest most of my life.
So I was on the phone with David, since I haven't talked to the fool in like.. ever I thought.. Why the hell not. So we're having a pretty decent conversation and then I go on talking about Aaron. Oh god.. -_- Well, who knew I'd end up venting about the whole "no communication" dilemma with David? I didn't. That shit was a bust. I was like, "Well you know how you and Marissa talk A LOT?" "Yeah.." "Well, that's how it was for me and Aaron, and we gradually stopped talking day by day because he lost phone privileges. So it just sucks. We don't see eachother or talk to eachother. How would you feel if that happened between you and Marissa?" "Well.. uhm... that actually happened b/w me and you.." ... -___- Shit balls. Are you fucking me? At that moment I was LITERALLY speechless. It didn't even occur to me that the person I was talking to WAS my boyfriend. And the things that have happened b/w us is BECAUSE of me. So I was in the most awkwardest position ever. So I told him "Hey uh, can I eat first? I'll call you back later." Noww... I have to call the nigga back.. oh goodness, wish me luck.

You know what else irks? That I don't have any communication with my boyfriend whatsoever. Besides facebook. But facebook? Really? That's not enough. I barely see you, & we've barely talked because you ran out of mins and lost your phone. But now, you got phone privileges taken away.. therefore NO COMMUNICATION.. way to go bro, way to freakin go. -___- What did I tell you about grades? Why did I know this was going to happen? Ugh you fool. You better get those damn grades up dude. Not only because I can barely stand a day without talking to you but the fact that it's for your own well being. I want you to do good in school. I get it, you don't really care about school. I mean you don't admit it, but the way you treat school implies that you don't care. There's one thing from "forgetting to do assignments" or "not wanting to do assignments" or "ditching school to hangout with friends" Bitch ass nigga. It's the beginning of the school year, yeah you're getting into the army but that doesn't mean you could fuck up your school year. Your other girlfriends were probably fine with that shit but I'm not. That don't fly with meee, it's already a turn off that you do it in the first place! Ughhh. It's sad that I care more about your education than you do for yourself. Smh -_-

Fuck a bitch. I have to take the damn bus tomorrow. What the hell is this madness? -_- I haven't taken the bus since middle school. Ughh.

I seriously don't want to go to my jobsite tomorrow -____- I'm trying to get out of it and work at the school. I'd rather work at school than work at that bridal shop. Retail really isn't my thing. I'm really hoping Mrs. Peltz gets me out. I pray to god, she gets me out. :P

Confession #3

I miss my close friends from my honors and AP classes. I know for a fact that we're all still really good friends it's just the fact that, my whole routine for the past 3 years with them is gone now, being in PAL is really.. difficult for me to adjust to certain friends. People I never thought I'd get close with, I got close with. Sad thing is.. I felt happier and more comfortable with my AP/Honors friends even if I was in the shittiest times of my life. Don't get me wrong I'm VERY happy, considering I have great friends and a wonderful bf.. but I still have that piece of me that I long for or the piece of me that I feel is gone. I don't know what I'm really getting at but.. whatever. I just miss my close friends, plain and simple I guess.

Confession #2

I miss my 2 best friends Abby Marasigan and Kathleen Peterson more than anything. Even an hour with you two would be the cherry on top.

Confession #1

I miss my Dear John summer romance. Lol

Ba humbug :P

I'm so happy he came over (: Topped off my day that's for sure. BUT.. it made me mad -_- He tried feeling me up down there. What the fuck nigga. What did I tell you? Smh. But I forgave him, the poor thing looked so upset. Lol He was like punishing himself. Or at least that's what it seemed like he was doing. He looked like a kid that just got scolded for doing something that they shouldn't have. I just told him, not now. Save it for later when I'm ready. I mean I'm guilty, I'm glad he likes to pleasure me but take it slow bitch, calm your damn whoremones. Haha (x

Lol. I keep replaying last night over and over (x It was a really good way to spend our first month together that's for sure. Regardless of the fact that he says his family likes me or thinks I'm cute.. I still don't like how I met them or how I was presented when being introduced to them. He just doesn't understand my perspective. With being Asian, we're all about being respectful and all that jazz. And yes, I AM innocent. I make myself appear innocent with parents and adults because all I want is to respect them. All I want is to make a good first impression. But last night, with me meeting your family on top of you? That's just not acceptable. That makes me look bad. I hate it. I hate it I hate it I hate it >_< Yeah I'm not as innocent as I usually am when I'm with you, but that's because I'm only like that WITH you. You get to see that side of me, because you bring it out of me. I don't know what else to tell you. I don't want to make myself presented like that while my sister and your sister and their friends are in the other room, or even your mom! You're mom kept coming in and out every time. Especially your aunt, grandma, and grandpa. I don't care if they could see or not, the way I present myself to others is important to me.

Oh god.. I discovered the naughty side of me tonight -__- This bitch, my innocence is going away. I didn't want to meet your family with me on top of you. Ugh, wtf. >_<