Yessssss. I could blog! Something was going on with blogspot on my computer, I was dyinggg. I needed to blog so badly. Lol

So it's so frustrating to know that Braddy's got his damn permit, and I'm over here like, "The fuck dude. You're a year younger than me-___- I needa get my permit pronto." and I'm over here doing 5 packets, 85 damn pages each. Ugh. And then the other thing is.. I can't find a freakin envelope! How the hell am I supposed to send "A" a letter through mail if I don't have an envelope?-_- Ughhhhh. So much to do in so little time. Fuck the world.

I seriously almost forgot how much you really liked me. Like I remember rereading our messages over and over and always having those butterflies in my stomach, but then it came to that point where every time I read them, they just felt like words to me and I didn't know if you still meant them. Cause I forgot. I haven't heard from you in a lonng time. I was scared that my feelings for you were going to fade because of your absence and not talking to you for awhile. But I still love you(: I still like everything about you, and I miss you dearly. It was very nice of you to write me a letter. It proves to me how much you DO miss me. Lol It's so weird. Sometimes I feel like I'm living the Dear John story line. They met and fell in love after 2 weeks, I met you and started liking you A LOT in a matter of 2 weeks, and she had to wait for just like I'm currently waiting for you. They wrote letters to eachother while he was gone and that's what we're going to be doing now. Lol and the other thing is.. Channing Tatum's character was in the army and you're planning to get into the army. Hm? Idk maybe it's just me. Haha jkaay but one thing for sure, I'm not ending my relationship w/ him the way the movie did. That was a sad ending. As for me and you, I want to spend every moment with you, and share it with you for a long time no matter how hard things get(:

Damn.. last night just changed things. I seriously don't care anymore. I don't care if they divorce. I've never realized how bad my mother was getting. She seriously doesn't see how she treats everyone. I'm so glad daddy was there to protect me, she was literally blaming shit on me. It hurt to see them fight again. I hate that feeling, when they're arguing and my heart beats faster and faster and I start to feel scared and paranoid. It sucks-_- cause at those moments, the worst things that could possibly happen race through my mind and I start to panic inside. Everyone laughs at me for that, because I panic a lot. Lol but I can honestly say that we're all truly tired of this. I don't even know if tired is the right word anymore, all I know is that we don't want to deal with this. She seriously has some sort of psychological problem and we need to get her some help. Because this isn't healthy for our family. I don't want to feel like our family is breaking anymore. Getting her help and them getting a divorce is probably the best for all of us.

I can't believe that's all I do now-_____- take naps. I've been feeling really lazy lately. Lol but for the record I thought of a sadies idea. Lmao even if school hasn't started and even if sadies isn't until February. Haha(x

It makes me wonder why Nigel Thornberry randomly made a comeback on Tumblr. Like the hell? Of all things that guy? okaaay..? Smh. I guess it's cool, I like the weirdo but it's just.. random.

How the hell did you meet Big Sean?!?!? :O Lucky ass bitch.

I am one satisfied cooookie(: I got my chocolate and my red velvet cake! Woohoo<3 I still can't believe my dad is considering to go to Cali for a weekO_o I wonder where we're gonna go? Abby! Make sure you look up places you haven't gone to or want to visit, okay?(: At least make a list, it'll be easier on me. Please and thank you darling!

Dude, that's craaazy. That would've been terrible if you were asleep and he decided to read all your posts for this month:O And he knows his nickname? Isn't that a bad thing Abby?

Damn.. today has been the most unproductive day I've had all summer break so far. I haven't done ANYTHING but sleep and daydream about "A"-_____-
And the bad thing is.. I'm craving chocolate and red velvet cake. Like I want it, PRONTO. Like right now. But no one's willing to buy it for me! Geeeez. *sigh* whatevers.. I should start on my health packet. Last test for this course, I better study my ass offf.

Dude Abby, you need to calm your ass down. It was fine talking to him. Lol Who cares if he asked me what time you were coming home? I could've kept you for the rest of the night, and I wouldn't have given a fuck. And I was going to bring you along anyways! Without his damn permisssion, so clam fuckin down. I love you(: kbye. Haha

You know what sucks? Having a wonderful 2 weeks of talking to you, falling for every word you tell me, liking you more each and everyday, just to wait for you. Wait. The worst feeling ever. No matter what it is.. waiting for food to finish cooking, or waiting for a line to get shorter when shopping, waiting for your favorite tv show to come on, or waiting for something that's never going to happen. That's why I'm impatient. Because I hate waiting. I hate the fact that all I have left of you are just these 2 weeks of memories. I'm over here left with memories and all I can do is make up scenarios of what would happen when you get back. That's all I've been thinking, and it's killing me. But.. I guess I have no choice but to wait. Because you mean that much to me. I would wait for you.. no matter how much it kills me.

I wanna do like everything with you.

A-"Oh my god, you're doing things without me!"
J-"Aw don't worry, we'll do everything together."
A-"Uh that doesn't sound right, sorry." Lmao
of course you'd think that way. Hahaha

I want to go on adventures with you, have a picnic together in Spring Mountain Ranch just the two of us, go bungee jumping, indoor skydiving, ziplining, watch my favorite movies with you, take silly pictures w/ you, make stupid videos of our daily lives together, have you serenade me(as much as you hate singing. Lol), sight seeing somewhere we've never gone before, have water fights, go paint balling, just EVERYTHING. I don't know.. I just never imagined the things I've always wanted to do, could possibly happen when I'll finally be with you.

"You're my future wife, and I love you so much."
I hope you mean that, and who knows.. what if we'll end up together. But time will tell(:

It's sad how I've depended on you to make me happy.. I can't do that to myself. I needa do something to keep me occupied. Not talking to you, kills me. It makes me sad.. sort of. Idk. Buuut hopefully I'll get to see Tiff soon, I needa do something before I'm left with my own mind, forced to think things I shouldn't.

You're getting shipped tomorrow. 2 things. One good & one bad. Good thing is the sooner you get into basic, the sooner you get back and we get to spend each moment together, bad thing is.. you can't fuckin talk to me. wtf bro-____- 2 months not talking? Oh hellll no:( I've gotten so used to texting you, calling and hearing your voice every now and then, just talking to you in general became a part of my routine. Now I can't text you very often, I won't get many calls from you either, I haven't even seen you since 12 days ago & i miss you. It just gets even worse maan, now the waiting officially begins.. If I spent a year liking a jerk, I think I can manage a measly couple of months waiting for someone who truly cares for me and loves me for who I am. My #beastmode just kicked in. I got this(:<

I'm gonna miss those cute little things you say to make my day(:

-"Well it upset you and that's not good I want to keep you safe from bad stuff"

-"perfect match, more reasons to love you so much."

-"love you jessi, sorry for tricking you."
I can't believe you tricked me into "sexting" I've never done that before until you tricked me. Lol "You're a tricky bitch. Lmao"

-"don't worry you'll be on my mind most of the time. ^_^"
Hell yeah bitch, bow down to a mothafuckin g hoe! I betttter be on your mind! Lmfao just kiddding. It would be nice, to at least cross your mind every now and then(x

"I'm gonna miss talking to you, you just brighten up my day." (:

and I've gotta say, hearing you say "I love you" to me, feels so much better. That whole post about me thinking you don't mean what you say.. just doesn't even mean anything anymore.

You're everything I've ever wanted, and the day you come back to me you're all mine and I'm all yours<3

Fuck dude, I'm really upset at myself for thinking that way. I can't believe I went to the conclusion that he was thinking about his ex or some shit. I mean I trust him, not with everything, not yet but I mean when he says he doesn't care about his past gf's anymore I trust him. I just didn't know what else to think ya know? When you're confused as a motherrr and you have no idea what's going on in his mind and the only information he gives you is "valentine's day" there was nothing else on my mind other than that. But I knew not to think that way, I knew there must've been something that happened. Then I remembered Jan saying something about their dog, and Sarah and Aaron getting all upset the day we were over, it just made me realize the bigger picture and how much it hurt him. That's probably one of the saddest things to know someone went through, watching your dog die in your own hands. It's terrible, I remember crying as I was running to the house when benjie got ran over. It broke my heart to witness it. It also made me mad, and angry at the driver up until now. So I know how much pain and anger they're probably going through til this day.

Today's conversation was dissappointing, but I guess I'm glad we talked. I just hate how much you say I love you.. don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore it but having to say it thaat much makes me believe you don't mean it, and you're just saying it. I'm not the type of person who says things just the hell of it, I truly mean what I say. I love you for how you treat me, how you make me feel, for how amazing I think you are, and so much more & I'm not at the point where I'm in love with you but I still do care for you very much. But do you mean it? It just makes me wonder. I think our "I love you" fights are cute but I'd rather do them every now and then and get to know eachother better than have our "I love you" fights just to make time fly by and use it as conversation. Just saying.

I crack myself up dude. I can't believe how long I've been depressed:P I was sad ALLLLL the time. I complained mainly about, family, Cousin, and David. Hahaha the downers to the whole year I guess. I was hella sad, lonely, and angry this year.

How can you tell me one thing and not do it? Seriously? If you don't want anything to do with me, just tell me. I'm tired of your shit.

I'm in that "I hate the fucking world" type moood. Not the business-___-

I can't believe I deleted your thread:\ I wanted to save those for a lonng time. But my phone kept turning off and getting all slow cause yours was so long. I hate my damn phone. >_< It's all nothing but a memory now..
A- "I love you so much, you're running through my mind and it's driving me insane."
J- "Stop doing that. Lmao why do you have to be so cute like that? You're making me blush and have butterflies in my stomach."
A- "I'm sorry, I just really really love you no joke and that's so cute oh god I love you so much."
smh(x
J- "baby I love you too but you have to calm your ass. I get it. Hahaha"
I swear, our "I love you" fights never get old. I won yesterday morning, just by telling you how special you are to me and if girls ever left you in the past you wouldn't have to worry about me doing the same because you mean just as much to me than I am to you and I was like, "Oh and another thing, I love you, I love you, I love you! I win(;" Hehehe, I knew how to make your day. And the best part is that you made mine as well. No matter how angry I got yesterday, you were the one thing that made me forget why I was mad in the first place. It made me go crazy when you called me "babe" Lmao "I love that you miss me but I don't want you feeling that way babe." I saw that word and I flipped the fuck out dude. Hahaha I just love how you make me happy(:

WTF dude. I'm not anorexic. What the fuck is wrong with you? Yes I've been drinking a lot of water and yes I don't eat as much as I used to. But that's just it! I don't eat as much as I used to. I used to eat when I was bored, when I was happy, when I was sad, when I was angry. I ate ALL DAY EVERYDAY. I over fucking ate. I'm done living that way. I'm only eating when I need to or when I'm hungry. I'm tired of being fat. I want to change my ways and you're seriously getting in the way of that. You get in the way of my happiness and you get in the way of me trying to eat healthier and stay fit. Seriously, get the fuck off my tits, man. And seriously? You actually had the time to walk into my room and state all the people that aren't here anymore, like Jojo and the kids being in Guam and like all the relatives that died..? Okay..? Are you depressed or something? Move on dude. "It's only 3 of us here." Dumbass, my dad's out there working and you're saying we have no money, we have no food, we have fucking nothing. STFU. Gawwwwd I can't stand you. The only time I was happy today was like 4:43pm to 6:54pm, "A" pretty much made my whole day. I wish you were here:( I want to spend time with you, I want to be with you and it sucks. I'd rather have our "I love you" fights in person because it would mean so much more to me. The only reason I wanna spoon so badly is because that way I know that the one person who truly makes me happy is holding me and making me feel safe. I don't feel safe and happy anymore. If a simple text from him can make me happy, I think being with him would make me fall for him so much more.

Lmao, what a coincedence.. I was about to post "You haven't texted me alllll freakin day dude, it kills:(" then you text me, wth. Haha just texting you makes my day. If you texted while I was yelling at my mom maybe I could've been more calm. hm?

Ughhhhhhhh. My mom just KNOWS how to fucking piss me offf. I still can't get over what she said to me, I mean I know she's said some fucked up shit in my face but that line was SOOOOO uncalled for. WHAT. THE. FUCK. My whole plan was to pick up my damn ticket from my friend at the school, you refuse to bring me to the school because you're "busy" and so Erwin, as a good friend offers to give me a ride there, and your bitchasss goes, "Who's Erwin? Why are you going? You're going to get pregnant from the choices you make." WHAAAAAAT THEEEEE ACTUAL FUUUUUUCK. You don't fucking tell me that shit. Erwin can't drive you dumbass. I told you specifically that "Erwin and his MOM can bring me" And you go and tell that shit to my face?! It hurts dude. Like you say fucked up shit to my face and there's only so much shit I can tolerate and you go this far? What the hell is wrong with you? Like I can't get over how much of BITCH you are. You're the most disrespectful BITCH I have EVER KNOWN. And you lose your charger and I accidentally break Jan's charger so I feel bad that you guys have no way to charge your phones so I voluntarily give you my charger and you fucking LOSE IT. Then you have the audacity to yell at me and get all mad because I called you a child for losing MY shit? Oh hell no. Don't give me a temper tantrum, you're not a child. Act your age. You go and throw shit around the house and take your anger out on everyone else BUT me because you're mad at me. You're just mad because you can't accept the fact that I'm right all the time! I tell you what you do and how you treat others and you just push me away acting like you're so innocent. Like how can you go and talk shit about my dad to your "friends" and say he abandons us or doesn't pay the bills or doesn't care? Like seriously? You're fucked up in the mind. He works SOOO hard for this family and you take advantage of it. And you make up shit. "If you want to go yell at someone, go yell at your stepmom!" Bitchasss nigga, get off me. Stop your bullshit, and get some help. Seriously. Your own insecurities are seriously eating you alive, you blame everyone for allll your mistakes you've made in the past. How about you admit that you're WRONG for once and your psycho-ness could lessen. Cause everyone's tired of your bullshit. You've been doing this all your life. Even your family in HI don't want to see you whenever they visit Vegas. Because they're tired of your bullshit. Everyone is tired. You're full of shit, that no one cares anymore. Like I seriously don't care. If you guys divorce, fuck.. have a nice life. Cause I'm done being sad, I'm done being mad all the time, I'm done with the problems and anxiety and tension. I want to be HAPPY, and you simply don't know what that means and how to be. I need you out of my life. It makes things so much easier. I've finally found happiness, but you consistently ruin it. I was texting "A" and of course I smiled, because he made me happy.. then you go and hit me w/ a paper and tell me, "Why are you smiling? Why are laughing?" Fuck your face. Just cause you're not happy, don't ruin it for others. Apparently you don't know what that means because you consistently ruin everyone's happiness. I'm just done dude.

"Everyday I'm shuffling" maan I put that on repeaaaat(x I wish I could shufffle. It makes me want to so bad. Lmao

Anywho, it kills me how I can't see him for like 2 and half months and I already miss him. Wtf, and everyday the things he does gives me a reason to like him even more. It's just.. OVERWHELMING. A week ago, this kid was just some ordinary guy to me, "I've been bitter for a long time, who cares. Meeting him won't change me." But BAYUM, I see him and I automatically get butterflies. Why? I don't fucking know. I mean I honestly didn't know I was going to like him this much. I keep saying it.. "I can't believe I like him" because I honestly can't grasp the fact that I do! I hated EVERYONE. I hated making new friends. I hated looking for guys. I GAVE UP ON EVERYTHING. Then he comes along and changes it. I was already used to the loneliness. But you brought back the meaning of happiness to me, when I thought I'd forgotten what it was. I'm TERRIFIED. Buuut.. it's time to let go of what hurt me in the past, and the things that hold me back now.. I have to let it go.

It's killing me how freakin cute you are. Like stop saying these things that give me butterflies in my stomach! Hahaha jkaaay. Keep it going. Lmao I have NEVER felt like this though, no guy has ever made me feel the way you do. I'm enjoying this while it lasts(: I love how last night I thought about spooning, and I kinda think he was implying that. "when I use you as my teddy i'm gonna squeeze you tight." People use stuffed bears to hug when they sleep sooo.. hmm? Lmao the weekend we're together, the spooning begins. Hahahah yessss. Oh gosh I crap myself up.

Today was probably one of the best days just talking to you(: I can't wait to talk to you tomorrow. Buut I'm terrified what I'm getting myself into. Just opening up like this.. I hate opening up:( "Jess if he breaks your heart, me and Sarah will kill him" thaaanks but what are you going to do when it's my fault or something? I really like him but I keep thinking so much and I'm too scared to let him break my walls down. I'm tired of hurting. It's too much for me to handle. But I really want to be with him. ugh I don't know.:/

Ugh. I'm happy, but then I'm not.-_______-

Omg-_- Lmao I can't believe how out of shape I am, I'm like running 4 times a week thats for sure. I need to get into shape and lose some major weight. But that run today felt good(: I'm glad I did it.. by the time "A" comes back he'll be seeing a new girl. Kehe, plus I want to dye my hair again and around August I'll be sure to get a hair cut. Split ends, yikes>_< and when we go out to dinner I won't feel so insecure so I'm sticking to this that's for sure. I can't wait til he comes back!

Dude, I don't know why, but I feel tired..:o 9:00? wthaaaail. I guess. If I wake up early I'll just go out for a run. Blah, goodnight.

P.S. wtf dude, you just all of a sudden stop replying to me..?:| grrr. I guess it was lights out or something. You usually say "I got to go love you." Or "I'll talk to you soon, love you dear." Like wtf:\ okaaay. I'll calm my tits now, I needed to freak out a bit. lmfao

I hate how much you adore me, but then I love it, I guess I just hate how it makes me say cutesy stuff to you and I don't want to act so cutesy. Hahaha It just happens though & I feel like I bore you toooo:\ How the hell do you like me kid? Lmao

I can't believe I told you>_< now you think it's a cute little story and I'm over here like, fuuuuck you weren't supposed to hear that. "It IS cute, it's like a.. you changed my life kinda story." Lmfao oh helll no. It was a bitch dealing w/ for months "Why are you shocked? I like you, and that's that." You say these little things and I fall for it. Lmao I love your laugh dude, it makes me want to laugh. It's hilarious.

UGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. :( You're missing my birthday. I wanted to spend it with you.. but it's okay I guess. As long as I get to see you when you get back, I'll be fine. You'll be my present. Lmao That's better than anything anyone could buy me, that's for sure.

Dude seriously, it really sucks that you're in basic training dude-_- all I want is to talk to you, and the only time I ever have is like 3 mins or something:( The most I even get is "I love you" and that's it. And my friend goes and tells me "I thought they weren't allowed to contact anybody when they're in basic training." Wtf are you doing "A"?! Are you like doing the impossible for me? I don't want you getting in trouble now. It'll seriously break my heart if you get in trouble or something. I barely met your dad a couple days ago, let alone trying to make a good impression on him, and if you do something you're not supposed to because of ME, oh hell no. That takes away texting me, calling me, talking to me, and seeeeing me. Naw nigga, that don't cut out for me bro. Haha Hopefully my friend was wrong and it's okay to text me, but when I think about it.. the last thing you said was.. "I'm about to get ready for bed." "Aw damn I got to go, love you bye." Fuck seriously? Maybe was right?:o AHHHH.

I kinda sorta ish went a bit crazy up there. Lmao ^^^

buuut anyways, I had a great adventure with mama Elaine today. I'm going to post up some pictures tomorrow. We were in the strip for about 7 hours. I'm EXHAUSTED. -___- We found waterfalls that I had no idea existed. Ha then there was this fancy restaurant that had a beautiful waterfall next to it. It made me want "A" to bring me there.. but idk. Who knows if he's really cut out for a relationship with me.. I hate being on my period dude cause I'm seriously doubting myself, I say we're "talking" but does he really like me enough to make me be his girlfriend? I'm up for a spa dude. I've been thinking negative thoughts to the max.

I wonder what's up with my stomach lately? It's pissing me off. Right now it's growling at me like it's mad at me or something. Like stfu stomach. Idk if you're hungry or what just stfu.
-_____- I can't believe I'm talking to my stomach like it's alive. Lmao yeah, I've definitely gone crazy.
It's just I feel sooo apathetic about EVERYTHING. I'm not mad, I'm not sad, or irritated, or anything. I just don't give a damn about a single shit right now. I honestly have no idea why I have this type of attitude right now either. I don't even feel like talking to anyone right now, I don't want to go to the mall, I don't want to do anything but.. stay alone. -_____- wtf dude.

"why do you sound like you're down?"
"why do you look so sad?"
Seriously guys? STFU. It's not like you guys really care. I go and tell you how I feel then you either change the subject or you go and walk away from me. Both of you don't even listen. -_____-

I'm just really angry at my little sister. I've never felt so angry at her like this, I mean I shouldn't even be angry.. I should've brushed it off by now, but because she hasn't apologized for being a bitch all week, I'm holding a grudge. I mean she hasn't made me feel so angry and sad at the same time before.. she was the last person I thought would make me feel this way, really. Who knew with such a naive mind, she could insult me and take me down like a fucking anchor. All she said was "He's not even in the same state and you talk about him all the time" It's like saying, "He doesn't like you thaat much, yet you seem to truly like him A LOT" Stupid little parasite. You make me mad, I know how he feels about me and I know how I feel about him. Don't make me think otherwise, before I go crazy again and start thinking the worst possible things once again!

I'm in like the worst mood EVER-_____-
After getting upset with Jan, it just put me in a "Don't fucking talk to me, I hate you" type mood. I didn't even want to talk to "A" and that's where it all started..
She got all pissy when I mentioned him, and I got all bitch mode because 1st of all, don't give me fucking attitude when I already have to deal w/ mom and 2nd, I'm sorry that I just seem to LOVE talking about the person I like, how about you ask me to cool it nicely rather than giving me a damn attitude? It just sucks that you don't see everything in my point of view. I even told you how I felt and all you did was look at me like I was some psycho.. you had no care in the world what I had to say and how I felt. "I do care." Really? Then why are you just staring at me while I'm telling you how upset I am of how you've been treating me like shit for the past week or so?

Idk, obviously it's my period talking.. but I couldn't help but think the worst ever. I cleaned and thought about what has happened for the past few days, and honestly.. I didn't realize how crazy I've gotten. I've been over analyzing things. What if he doesn't like me as much as he thinks he does? Does he realize what he's getting himself into? If he wants to be with me, he's getting the whole package.. family and all. I hope he could handle that. I hope he could handle ME. I just feel like I'm not cut out to be girlfriend material. Maybe I should live forever alone with 3 dogs. I mean I have NO experience of an actual serious relationship. I don't know what I should tell him and what I shouldn't.. I'm going crazy here-____- LITERALLY.

and I feel bad that all I do is talk about him. I want to stop. If my own sister got annoyed.. then think about the whole entire world? Maybe it's safer that way. Just keep it to myself. She always gets mad at me whenever I like someone. "Whenever you like someone, you always go overboard." What am I supposed to do when the only person you think about is the one you always want to talk about? Honestly, I don't know how to control myself from not talking about him, it literally blurts out. And it's only been days, what the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I talking about someone I've only met like a few days ago like I have some sort of obsession?

I'm so confused, I don't know what to do:(

I have to confess.. I'm scared:\ After liking 'P' I put up with his lies and bullshit, and it hurt. Having to find out he didn't like me AT ALL, friendship wise, and having to find out our whole "friendship" was a lie, he only talked to me to get to Liz.. like what the fuck? He used me. I'm not fucking toilet paper, you don't go and use me just to shit all over me and throw me away. I'm a good person, and being treated that way made me bitter.. I literally gave up on my friendships with people, I gave up on guys and relationships. I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't want to get walked all over again and then.. "A" comes along and.. I'm starting to like again.. it scares me to open up again, but I feel like with him.. it's okay to open up. I just hope he proves me wrong. That's all. All I want is a guy to prove to me I can trust them, prove to me that I'm worth having in their life, and show me they really care about me. That's not too much to ask for, is it?:P

I'm in deep, deep like?!:o wthaaaail. I didn't know that was possible to like someone that much so suddenly? I'm shocked. Buuut, I've forgotten how it felt to have butterflies and it feels so good. Lmao Just thinking about him, makes me have butterflies. Haha

Tom Felton- "One night with me, and they'll be calling you moaning Myrtle." LMFAO. Good onee(x

I can't believe this.. like AT ALL. It has only been a few days and I LIKE him. What the fuck. And there's this funny feeling in the back of my mind thinking, "I really think this is the guy" But I can't think that nowwwww. I feel like it's all coming at me so fast. I feel like we're going too fast or something. I need to stop thinking. Hahaha

A- "Lol you better love me too little miss"
J- "Better? Oh hell no. Don't get sassy w/ me sir. Lmao.."
A- "Lol I'll be sassy all I want.."

Oh my gosh>_< it's only been 2 days talking to this kid, and we're arguing on who better love who. Geez, imagine how we'll be when we're together. Hahaha

I don't really feel wellO_o it's weird.. I feel weak. And for some reason I just don't feel like eating.. :/ I'll smell the food and it'll smell delicious ya know? But when I look at it, I feel like throwing up inside. Hopefully it's just my imagination.. cause I mean I didn't eat all day yesterday. *sigh*

I never thought I'd like anyone again. Lowkey, I'm so glad Jan and Sarah wanted us together. Cause deep down, I really do want us to be together too. No matter how much I deny it to them. I hate how I'm such a cheesy ass bitch though! But I can't help it, he's so freakin cute to me! He says all these cute things and I'm just over here like, "Awwww(:" And he does the cutest things to me. He's so family oriented and he takes care of his siblings, he's responsible, he doesn't drink or smoke, he's a gentleman, he's funny, he can make me smile just by smiling back at me, he laughs at my silly stories I tell him, and I love how he calls me "mon couer" At first I was like, what the haiiiiil. Nigga speak English I don't understand French. But I had to Google translator my shit, Cha Cha that word, and ask Abby what it meant. 3 different ways to figure it out and BAYUM, this whole time it meant "my heart" and that made me feel.. happy. He really does make me happy. I hope this lasts for a long time. I've forgotten how it felt to feel truly happy from the person you like and I never realized how much I missed it. This kid is definitely a keeper though, he's got a bright future ahead of him, and he's DIFFERENT. He's different from every single person I've ever liked. I just don't know what it is thoughO_o and these things that make him different, is the reason why he's a keeper. I still can't get over the fact that he turned down the NBA Finals, he must be crazy over me to fuckin miss that shit. EVERY guy out there who's into basketball had to have been watching it, but he turned it down just to talk to me. He knows I think he's a cutie, I just hope he doesn't know how much I'm actually starting to like him after freakin Sarah's big ass mouth idk what he thinks of me. And honestly, I'M SHOCKED that he likes me. He was the last person I thought would have feelings for meO.O Oh and after these 8 weeks of basic training, we're going to hangout(: I can't wait.

Dude I'm like in the happiest mood. Okay not really, but.. I started my period. My stomach is hurting like a bitch but I'm freakin glad I'm on it. I was so afraid to go to the OBGYN, for another check up. I haven't had my period since freakin December. Then 6 months later, Bayum i finally start. Of course I was worried. So, so far this year I've only had one period when I think about it. smh-_-

The memories are the pain that brought my tears.

Wow. I can't believe how hard I cried when I got into the shower. I mean everything was fine, and I got tired of it being quiet so I decided to sing, but as I was singing I realized I was sing "The Prayer" that Jojo always sang, and I couldn't even finish the song cause I started crying pretty hard. I couldn't breathe for like a second. And then the waterworks kept coming and I couldn't see shit. So as I was shampooing my hair soap gets in my freakin eyes and I'm 50% crying because my sister's gone and 50% crying because the soap was burning my eyes! Lmao but after when I got out of the shower I felt worse:( I was crying really hard. I felt like my heart was broken. The tears just wouldn't stop and the good and bad memories were filling up my mind that it didn't help the tears stop. So I cried for a straight hour and a half. It's just hard.. having to know that I've depended on her for so long that I don't know what to do when we're going through rough times at home. She was like my strength, my reason to stay strong bc she stayed strong for me and Jan. She was the older sister who took care of us. And honestly, their leave was harder on me than anyone could possibly imagine. Because of the fact that I was closer to her than anyone. And then it got me thinking, once I decide to leave after high school.. I'm gonna cry 10x harder like a weenie, because I'm so close to Jan. I'm so attached to her it's not even funny. Sometimes I just need to sleep in her room, esp when I'm scared. She's the person I go to when I'm scared. And then who hell am I going to turn to after high school? It just sucks. When I get attached to people, like I REALLY hardcore get attached. Because when I care.. I really do care and when I love.. I LOVE. But when you break me.. I break into pieces and emotionally, it's hard for me to get back up. But I live.. I eventually reailze I have to move on.. and I stay strong(:

And another thing, starting next week I'm starting my diet and P90X with Kristine and Tiff, this summer will be a new start for a new change. I'm going to lose major weight and THINK ABOUT MY FUTURE maan. 'nuff said. Like college, scholarships, I have to take SATs and ACTs(I wanna do both. Lol) Just EVERYTHING. After senior year, I'm on my own. This is it, It's our time now. 2012(:

I got home like.. awhile ago. Lol I'm shocked I haven't gotten in trouble yet. I know I never go out, but it's weird not getting yelled at for coming home late. Crystal's party was funny, because Joseph, Josh, and Crystal's sister made everything a blast. They're jokes were hilarious, and I got closer to Diana. I'm glad I went. But it makes me sad Jo's leaving so soon. We'll have all Tuesday to spend time(: I'm going to miss them so much<3 I'm tearing up just thinking about it. Kay goodnight<3

Abby, at least you're trying to convince yourself. You "know" liking him is bad for you but you continue to because feelings are things you can't turn on and turn off. You might tell yourself that they're lies but really I just think it's you "trying" to stop liking and that's a big step. That's called progress. And yeah, maybe you still like him, but how can anyone honestly think it's that easy to get over someone when you've had that much history, and you see and talk to the kid everyday. So don't put yourself down like that. You're progressing(:

I had a pretty good time today(: The guys are hilarious, I might just take that offer to go to the mall with them next weekend. Man am I exhausted as hell, I'm about to KO right now.. goodnight, literally. For once. Haha

Omg! I talked to David last night, and I wasn't mad at him or annoyed. Lol I was more annoyed at stupid people from school rather than David. I actually missed him. He said he missed me too and that made me happy last night(: I'm leaving soon for the end of the year event for KIN Club, then my sister's going to pick us up I believe. It's the last friday of the school year and the last weekend I'll be spending with my sister and the kiddos:'\ But all is well. It won't be forever.

2 things that made my day.

1) Nora gave me my necklace back and she thought I was being a mean bitch. Hahahah I told her it wasn't my intention to be mean, I just wanted my stuff back and I guess we're cool. She was scurrrred. No lie(x If being a mean ass bitch gets you to give me my shit back then I'm cool with being a mean bitch.

2) Liz ALMOST kicked Pablo in the balls. He was being mean to her and it was funny how he was so scared of her. Haha I was definitely enjoying it. But sadly it was ALMOST:\

I have been reaaaally annoyed lately, and today just tops it all offf. I AM BEYOND PISSED. I want my shit back! I'm so mad! It ruined my whole day, literally! Like how the fuck can you do this to me? I don't trust people that well, and I trusted you because I considered you as a "friend" and I let you borrow my shit, it's been MONTHS and you still haven't given them back. How many fucking times do I have to remind you? How 'bout you get your own shit you cheap ass heffa fucking ass wipe! I seriously want to give you a high five in the face and throw a textbook at you. You irk, everything about you pisses me off. Now I see why people find you annoying cause you are! I was just patient enough to tolerate your ass to realize how annoying you really are-___- My dad bought me that Hello Kitty necklace and I've only worn it once! You bitchasss. Like I want to scream at the top of my lungs and cuss up a storm right now because I've never felt so betrayed. It would be one thing to be my best friend, I honestly could careless.. but you're just a "friend" and if I let you borrow something, you better make DAMN SURE I want my shit back.

Ugh wtf. I just got home. It's already 4:15! I'm so freakin crabbby. Then Erwin expected me to walk home. Oh hell no, I'm already dark as it is, I can't get any darker man-_- But it was nice of his mom to bring me home. She was nice, I hope I made a good first impression. I didn't realize Erwin was such a gentleman? He always opens the door for me and has manners and stuff. I'd actually give him a try if he had balls to ask me out or anything and if he'd let me give him a makeover. The kid isn't thaat bad if he actually learned how to dress himself. Just sayin.

So like I got a call from an FIDM admission advisor today, helping me out and everything. Trying to give me advice on how the school works and what type of majors there are and all this shabang. But when I got home.. that's when it all just sunk in. My dad lectured me for a straight 3 hours, me sitting on my ass listening to his talkitive ass telling me about my future. Honestly, I'm not gonna lie.. but it was some good ass advice. It got me to REALLY think. Like do I really want to do this? I mean from the start my path was to graduate high school, get into a really good university, get my bachelor's degree and start my life out from there. But I've been effed up in the mind and trying to figure out what the hell I want to do in my life I considered that damn institute I didn't even realize what the hell I was getting myself into. I mean really Jessica? Really? An institute? What happened to a University? The big one ya know? Wtf. It's just SOOOOO frustrating! I hate the fact that I don't know what I want to do. The fashion industry has always been an interest to me, I mean even as a kid. Little did I even think about college and now that it's that time to KNOW what to be I'm still stumped. Wth dude. What if I'm not cut out for business/marketing? Then what? I'm fucked. Screwed. and Chopped into pieces because I can't figure out what type of profession is best for me. -__-