These past couple of days have been either the best or terrrrrible. -__-
I've been irritable towards everything, like even Aaron is annoying me. He isn't doing much but I don't even want to talk to him for awhile. It's been 3 days since I've talked to him. I feel bad that I'm so mean to him, "To be honest, you've been annoying me lately." Lmao no one just admits things like that. Hahaha I wonder how he deals with my shit? (x I hate myself sometimes. Ha
Then I got in to the talent show! I'm sooo happy :D 50 people auditioned and me & Kristine were the few 17 people to get in (: (: (:
My mom's been a twat for the past 3 weeks. She's the reason I hate lying, fake, untrustworthy freakin people. She's done the most lying in my life. She talks shit behind my back and then acts like everything is cool in my face. I'm not stupid, I don't buy that shit. I hate how she goes and says "He's leaving Jess, you can't wait around for him." The fuck are you implying? Do you not realize I know what I got myself into? I KNOW, my boyfriend is going to be gone for awhile. A couple months apart WILL be hard, but I love him.. I'm not gonna let distance away from him tear our relationship apart. Are you implying that I should break up with him? Don't give me that shit. You of all people shouldn't give relationship advice, it sucks.. trust me. I'll do me, and you do you. Plain and simple.

So I was bored in the shower and made my best friend categories. Lol

Category 1: The best friends who no matter how long I've been friends with, I know I will always have them by my side supporting me through everything, I can always trust, and no matter the distance or lack of communication I can always depend on them to be there for me.
1) Abby
2) Kathleen (sometimes this girl is so iffy, idk about her sometimes. She freakin sucks at communicating damnit, I just wanna push her into a fucking wall.. but I still love her. Lol)
3) Emmeline

Category 2: The best friends that I can go to that will know how to keep a smile on my face, who will always be there for me, and are my go to people when I need company.
4) Adrian
5) Erwin

Category 3: Who have been there for me but I can't seem to keep in touch with but I know will always be trustworthy, reliable, and loyal to me.
6) Liz
7) Tiffany
8) David (It's more of a title for him, though :/ thing is.. to him, I'm HIS best friend.. the only one sadly.)

I'm so tired of your shit right now. What have I done so wrong to deserve this every single day of my life? Why do you do the things you do? Why? Why do you torture me with your constant shit? I can't take it dude. That's all I get from you two, criticism. All I ever do is never good enough. You judge me by everything I do, everything I have, everything I am and yet it's just not enough. Nothing I do will ever make you guys proud, or treat me any better. I'm always treated the worst out of everyone in the family. How can you have the audacity to tell me "You used to take care of Jan." Fuck you. I DO. I always HAVE, since the day she was born! I will NEVER in my life stop taking care of her, I practically raised her and for you to tell me that really pisses me off to the edge where I want to bang your head against the wall. Don't you EVER tell me I stopped taking care of my little sister, if anything look in the mirror and tell yourself that because you stopped caring about us a lonnnng time ago.

I've come to love Once Upon A Time! :D It's a new favorite show. Now I get to look forward to Sundays, Mondays, and Thursdays. Woopwoop! Lol

Well my older sister's reaction went as I expected..
I just hate this, I'm straddled between what I think is right for myself and how I feel.
I put my trust in him, and he's convinced me that he's changed, but then this happens and it's like.. do I really want this? A guy who doesn't have a plan B and may not have a future? I can do so much better than this.. but not only have I given him my trust but I've given him my care. I have grown to love him and everything about him, but it's the decisions he's made in life that's pushing me away.. I want to have a man that takes care of himself, that knows what he wants.. or at least have an idea of what he wants for his life, a guy that can provide for himself and further provide for me as well(with my assistance of course). Then there's the thing, I care so much for this guy, I've seemed to find every way to defend him. He's stolen my heart. It would hurt me so much to lose him, but I want what's best for me at the same time. I know I've changed him so far, but I can't always tell him to change. He has to make the effort to do it himself, he needs to change for himself. I'm not a babysitter, I'm not his conscience, nor am I his mother..
Until the day he proves to me that he's got his shit together, will be the day everything will be fine, but if he can't manage to change, I don't want anything to do with him anymore. I love him, but I can't have him dragging me down when I've already have problems of my own, he's just adding more problems and stress on me having to remind him to get his shit together, be more responsible, I really don't need that right now.. it gives me a headache just thinking about it. Smh. -_-

I wonder what everyone's going to think of him if/when things change and don't work out the way they expected..
I wonder if my parents would disapprove..?
Would I give up on him?
Would I still want to be with him?
Hm..

Promises are worse than lies. Not only do you make them believe, but you give them hope of something you're not sure you can do.

False hope hurts just as bad as believing lies.

Tryna figure out Sadie's outfits is such a bitch right now. I can't get my money until the day before Sadies, so I'm kinda like sittin here tryna figure out what to do. -_- We're not going to the dance though. Lmao Everyone for some reason doesn't want to go, so we decided to just go out and have fun. Sucks because we're planning on having a mechanical bull this year. Wompwomp, oh well. I'll ride one of those when I'm older, out partying and having fun. Lol I kinda want 'infinity shirts' but idk. I'm still contemplating. Decisions, decisions..

I got this kid sprung off me. It makes me laugh (x I have him literally wrapped around my finger, I can get whatever I want. I get away with so much. Hahaha "You're evil." Lol "Yeah so I've heard >;)" but.. I shouldn't take advantage. Karma's just going to bite me in the ass twice as hard.. It was fun testing him yesterday if I say so myself. Haha

A: "It's fine, it's fine. It's okay. It's whatever. That bitch is LYIN."
J: Haha I think I know why girl do that.
A: Why do girls do that?
J: I think it's because.. girls have people come in and out of their lives.. it's hard for them to truly trust someone to be there like they say they would. We're stubborn. We want someone to deal with our stubbornness, to deal with our shit, to deal with our confusion, and just.. stay.

So I now know why my mom has been so bitter towards me lately..
she's so overprotective. Even my dad has been. I guess they've noticed how much I love Aaron, and they don't want what happened to my older sister happen to me. But I hate it, they're suffocating me. It's like they're so blinded at all their mistakes, all the bad shit that's happened in our lives and they don't realize that I'm not the same. I'm not the naive little girl they once knew. I'm not stupid. I won't make the same mistakes they did, and I don't intend on doing so. Because I want what's best for me, I have my priorities straight, I know what I want to have.. getting there is just another big step for me. But I won't give up, I'm growing up and it's hard for them to understand that. I was so mad yesterday and this morning because my mom kept telling me, "You're going to come home pregnant. Blahblahblah" "You don't need a man, start getting a job. Do this. Do that." "He's leaving Jessica. Why don't you understand that? He's leaving you and you're going to be stuck here." The fuck dude, it's not even like that. You don't know what's going on.

What disappoints me is that.. my parents really think that low of me..
How can you honestly think I would throw away my future? How can you think that I would throw away everything I've worked so hard for? Is that what you think of me? That I'm going to fuck up, have sex, get a kid, not go to college, and just work to pay the bills? Like what the fuck? I have my future in my hands. I KNOW what I want for myself. I'm not going to throw away everything I've worked so hard for. I'm not going to make bad decisions for myself. I don't even drink or smoke or go to parties or do anything bad! Yeah I have a boyfriend. Who cares? I'm not that type of girl who gives up my life for a guy. To me, being in love and having Aaron in my life is a reward for myself. He's a reminder that even through all the bad shit I continue to go through in my life, I still have good things to keep me moving forward.
*sigh*
I'm not that little girl anymore guys..

Ew, I hate the type of mood I'm in. Adrian hellla got me down. Now I feel upset for no reason, that downer -_- I feel like sleeeeeping all day. Lmao

On the flip side doe, I don't have to take any of my tests this week! :D woopwoop! 6-day weekend ;) what it do. Haha

I'm excited for next Thursday! I'm going to audition with Kristine for the Talent Show, we're going to sing How to Love by Weezy and she's going to play guitar. So we gots to practice this week.

Respect? RESPECT? Tell me. What do YOU know about respect? When you don't respect ANYBODY. Tell me. How can you have the audacity to tell me I DON'T respect myself? Erwin wasn't doing ANYTHING to me, the fuck is wrong with you? You think I'm going to cheat on my boyfriend? Is that it? Just because you have a corrupted mind don't bring me into this. I'm tired of how you've been treating me! FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. Condescending piece of shit. Telling me I'm slutting around, making me sound like I'm cheating on my boyfriend. I lost respect for you a long time ago.. so I don't know how you expect me to give you "respect" when you can't simply give it to me in return. Sorry, it goes both ways. Talk shit? Cool, hope your ass is jealous of your mouth. I can't even consider you as my mother. You have never been a mother figure to me for my entire life, telling me you "took care" of me. You were gone half the time. I had babysitters caring for me thank you very much. Telling me my dad has so much money in the world and having an affair with "Jenny." So where's your proof bitch? Where's all this coming from, your ass? Yeah I wouldn't be surprised. Susan. Liz. Lisa. Jenny. Must I go on? So who's the girl next month? Because you're obviously on a rolll. You're so fucking stupid. The shit you come up with makes no sense at all. Even therapists think you need help. You need a damn psychiatrist. That's what you need. You have personality disorder and you need help. So when we say you're crazy.. yeah bitch. You really are. -_-

Odd. It feels like it's been awhile since I've blogged on blogspot. I don't go on very often anymore, I guess it's because I've been a lot more happier lately. I usually go on here to vent about my mom or talk about how cute Aaron is but I just haven't been in the mood to talk about that stuff. Hm, I'm actually shocked at how happy I've become. "Ya know wife, this has probably been the happiest I've ever seen you since you and Aaron have been together." And I didn't realize it until she told me. I feel bad that I've distanced myself from my family, but it's been helping me. I figured that staying away from my cause of unhappiness for awhile would make me happier and it has. It saddens me inside though.. I miss my family. But knowing that my mom has a personality disorder and her constant bs kills me. Then my dad's never ending criticism lowers my confidence and self esteem. It sucks. Whenever I'm around them, my heart just fills with anger, pain, and hatred. A LOT of my tweets are mostly about them. Whenever they're angry tweets, it's always them. I realized if they can't manage to make their marriage happy, then they can't manage to make their own family happy. "Once I get my income tax, I'm getting a divorce." "Your dad has so much money and I don't know where he puts it." "Jenny, this. Jenny, that." "Money. Money. Money." Like seriously? They act like children! It's embarrassing. How is it that, Jan and I are actually good kids living in an environment like this? Years stacked onto years, we've gone through all this bs and it surprises me that me and Jan manage to have good grades, stay in a good crowd of friends, not do drugs or drink, etc. We have our priorities straight. Most kids, become rebellious and become under the influence and hang around bad kids if they lived like this. *sigh* idk...