I can't believe I'm thinking about this right now but I am.
When I was with David, I asked myself the wrong questions. I asked myself "Why do you like him?" or "What about him makes you happy?" or "What do you like about him?" but never did I ask myself..
"How does he make you feel?"
And that's something I probably wouldn't know how to answer. Because honestly, yes he made me happy. But not happy enough to turn my bad moods into good ones. When I genuinely like someone more than anything.. I would talk about them alll the time. They would never leave my mind. And even the thought of them would make me excited or really happy. But not once did you make me feel that way. I never talked about you as much as I did about Ricky or Pablo or Micheal Carsten or even Aaron. I never did. You crossed my mind sometimes, but not in good ways. I always thought of how much you annoyed me. Or I never really thought about you much. Unfortunately. Whenever you did good things for me, like surprise visit me and bring me that bear. That was one of my happiest moments ever. But when we were together, I wish we had more. But you never did ANYTHING. It was always up to me to make the first moves. It was always up to me to talk, to change the subject, to come up with a topic to talk about, to decide what we should do, most of the freakin time it was silence. What kind of relationship is that? Even hearing impaired or mute relationships had more conversation than that! You depended on me to do soooo much that I gave up on us, really. I felt like I put more effort in our relationship so much I couldn't have that. I wanted someone to make me happy just being with them, and for some reason I just didn't have that.
And that's whyyy we broke up. Because..
-I was lonely, even if I was in a relationship w/ you.
-You didn't make me happy.
-Your effort just wasn't enough.
-You depended on me to make a lot of efforts.
-Whenever something bad happened and I felt like it was my fault, you agreed with me and put the blame on me. (You still fucking do this, bitchass-_-)
-I found you annoying more than anything, you reached my mom's level of annoyance. smh.
-No matter how much you did for me, the way you made me feel wasn't enough for me to stay.
But one thing that made me keep wanting you back, was the fact that.. you knew me. You knew me so well, more than any guy I've ever befriended. You were so loyal to me and you were a very good friend to me. And I felt like.. you would be good for me. That's why I wanted you back over and over again.. but then I realized I only fell for the things you did for me.. not how you really made me feel.

and I finally have that.. someone who came into my life accidentally and changed it, by simply talking to me. Showing me he really cares for me and really likes me. Yeah I've only known him for a month, and yes I don't know him very well.. but that's what makes this great for me. Because we can both get to know each other by just being together. The times and moments we'll spend together will open up everything we have to share for each other. I like him so much it's hard for me not to think about him or talk about him, sometimes my stomach would hurt from all the butterflies I would get from him, and I miss him so much it hurts me. He really means so much that it would seriously sadden me to the core if he were ever to leave me. And ya know, I hate saying 'i love you' to him, because I want to say it to him when I truly mean it, as in 'falling in love' with him. But as much as I hate it, I can't help but say it.. because liking him doesn't describe how much I feel for him. I don't know why but he's special. And I honestly don't want to depend on him for my happiness but what am I supposed to do when he came in at the wrong time? When I seriously was at my lowest and I forgot what happiness felt like until he came into my life? Everything in my life is so bad that sometimes I want to give up, but then I go back and think about him and I'm happy again. I can't do that. I can't depend on him for my happiness. Emotionally, I feel vulnerable inside, like I can't simply find happiness from the shit I live with everyday, and he's my happiness. But if he were to ruin it, then what am I left with? That vulnerability. That sadness and anger but 100x worse than before. I just.. I just can't. I have to save myself from feeling broken again.