Aaron: *breathing ... *breathing ...
Me: (the fuck?) ... are you breathing?
Aaron: uhh.. yeah, why?
Me: HAHAHAHA. for a second there.. I thought I was talking to Darth Vader! HAHAHA (x
Aaron: ... -___- DO NOT put that on twitter or facebook.
Me: Hahaha okay, what if I do? What are you gonna do about it?(x
Aaron: I'm serious, DON'T. Or I'm gonna bite you.
Me: Ooh I'm so scared. You're gonna bite me anyways, you can't threaten me with that.
Aaron: Okay fine. I'll tickle you. Tickle you so much until you pee your pants.
Me: *gasp* You wouldn't? :o
Aaron: Mhmmm (:<
Me: You're evil -_-

Oh well! He didn't say anything about Blogspot. Hahaha (:<

Senioritis. Nuff said. -___- what a terrible disease to catch. I haven't felt this stressed since last year. I just felt like everything was coming at me all at once today.. Assignments due, tests to study for, case study due in a couple weeks, project to do in Peltz, starting on anchor, concert, sectionals, scholarship and college application deadlines, and squeezing people into my schedule. It's so much! I have so much to do, yet so little time. I feel so rushed and under pressure. It's getting to me I swear *sigh* :/

He's so.. imaginative & optimistic while I'm over here so.. realistic & pessimistic. We complete eachother. Haha

Me: Please don't tell me when or if we ever have kids you'd tell our kids that Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny is real.
Aaron: *gasp!* They ARE real! Hell yeah I'm going to tell them that.
Me: Oh great -_-
Aaron: How could you say that to the children?
Me: What? That Santa isn't real? That the tooth fairy and the Easter bunny isn't real? I'm not gonna lie to my kids. They'll grow up and realize I lied to them. I don't want that.
Aaron: Oh well, I'm still going to tell them.
Me: Yeah you do that -_-

Me: Please don't be mad at me, I decided to just spend tomorrow with Abby/Kathleen. I'm sorry.
Aaron: I'm not gonna be mad at you dear. 1 because I can't be mad at you. 2 it's your decision if you want to do that then go ahead ^_^ I love you dear and always will.
Me: God blessed me w/ a perfect boyfriend, I swear. Lmao
Aaron: Haha are you sure it's a blessing or a curse.
Me: Trust me, it's a blessing. I couldn't have asked for anyone better (:
Aaron: Lol love plays in mysterios ways
Me: *mysterious
Me: HAHAHA. It sure does.
Aaron: Wow don't fix me jeeze.
Me: I can't fix you when you're not broken. Lol but I can correct you and you can't do anything about it. Muahahaha (:<
Aaron: Yes I can >:)
Me: Oh really? Is that so?
Aaron: Yep I can bite, tickle, and much more ;)
Me: Damnit. You're evil -_-

I hate it when he pulls that shit on me. I HATE it when people tickle me. People tickle me at school and it kills me! Gosh, I hate being ticklish -___-

Are you from Africa? Cause African love you! Lmfao (x

What do you call a nosy pepper?


Jalapeno Business!


HAHAHAH. (x

Me: I love my dorky bf even though he's such a fool sometimes. Haha (:
Aaron: Haha why do you say that?
Me: Because you just are (:<
Aaron: I lalalalalovvvvvvvveeeeee you silly nilly ol bear

Haha. My boyfriend is such a cutie <3

Fuck dude. I just realized that I have to choose between Aaron and Abby/Kathleen -__- I totally forgot I had plans w/ JAK and then Aaron sort of begged me to spend time with him.. sad thing is I haven't had quality time with my bf in pretty much a month, but I haven't hung out with my best friends in a little over a month. *sigh* decisions, decisions.. I might just cancel with Aaron. I could see him probably next week or something.

Aw today was a great Thanksgiving! :) No problems, peace of mind, no negativity just happiness.. esp with family. It meant A LOT to me. <3 I even got to talk to Aaron on the phone for like 2 hours. Tomorrow's Black Friday (one of my favorite holidays), Saturday Sarah's coming over (: then on Sunday I get to go to Aaron's house! Woohoo ;) This four day weekend is probably one of the best this year. I'm thankful for just about everything and everyone in my life, always, everyday <3

Smh. Erwin, Erwin, Erwin.. -__- She's your gf bro. Treat her like one. You hold your violin more than you even hold your gf. Smfh. Lol First of all when you're with your gf, at least be affectionate towards her. Second when you're with your gf DO NOT walk away from her and walk towards your female friend (me) and hug them (me). You walked away from her?? What were you thinking? *sigh* What you should have done was hold her tight or wait for ME to come hug YOU. Because when I saw Joey, that poor girl.. she was just standing there awkwardly and I had to break the awkwardness and hug her like I was excited to see her. I didn't want her to feel unwanted or like he didn't care much. Idk why I'm freaking out about this. It's just.. I don't like that Erwin makes it seem like I mean more to him than she does with him. Jan didn't even know she was his gf! She thought that they were just friends. That's not good. Not good at all.

Today's such a sucky bummish day -___- I've been in the worst mood maan. No thanks to my mom and my older sister. They bring so much negativity in my life. "So it's okay that he cheats? What if Aaron did that would you be okay? Cause that's what you're telling me." FUCK YOU. I didn't say SHIT. Not once did I say everything he did was okay. So you can shove all this bullshit up your ass! What do you want me to do? Feel sorry for you? Pity you? Well sorry to say this but I already do. You make yourself look bad! You put your business on blast allll over Facebook. Complain to me whether the shit Zayus does is right or wrong. When obviously it's wrong. What are you looking for, an agreement? Do you want me to just nod my head and say yes every time something like this comes up? "He's talking to a girl." "He has a girl in his room" What the fuck dude, she could be a friend. Guys can have female friends too. Jealousy is such a big issue when it comes to relationships. I hate it. Your bf is flirt, sucks.. I know. Can't really do much about it. Technically you guys aren't together right? So why does it matter? He doesn't love you. It's clear and simple. As I said before, you can't fix something that's already broken. -____- Then my mom's bitchass. I can't even.. she's so stupid! Ugh. I don't even want to talk about it -___- What a waste of a Sunday.

"It's been this way for almost 2 months now and he doesn't realize that it's affecting you, well actually he does. But like I said again, they think that you're just another girlfriend."
Are you fucking kidding me? Oookay. Fuck you careless bitches. I'm proving you guys wrong, you can't take Aaron away from me. I'm not letting that happen. -_-

Definitely not exactly how I thought it would turn out to be. All day it bothered me to know that he would be receiving that letter. I mean it was pretty relieving writing it all down and venting to close friends about it but idk, I guess I was scared of his reaction.
What I didn't expect was his phone call after school O.o

Me: Hello.. o.o
Aaron: Uh, are you busy?
Me: Uhm, no.. yes? no.. idk O.o
Aaron: Haha!
Me: Wait.. uhh no. I'm in the car, I'm going somewhere, but I'm not busy.
Aaron: Haha are you sure? You still sound unsure.
Me: Oh I'm sure, I'm not busy. Haha(:
Aaron: Okay, haha I love you..
Me:.. I love you too.. wait. Have you read it?
Aaron: What?
Me: Sarah didn't give it to you?
Aaron: Sarah you were supposed to give me something?
Sarah: Uh, I may have lost it.
Aaron: She said she may have lost it.. oh nvm. Found it.
Me: No! Don't read it when I'm on the phone with you! I'm gonna hang up! I'm serious.
Aaron: O_o uhh, why? What did you say?
Me: Uhm, let's just say I've been mad for a couple days and I just felt that I had to get it off my chest. I don't want you reading it right now. Read it later and like call me after you read it or something.
*after awhile of talking it got silent*
Me: Aaron?
Aaron: Yes dear..?
Me: Oh okay it got silent for awhile. Haha
Aaron: Yeah I'm still here.. I'm sad now..
Me: Sad? Why?.. Oh.. you read it. o.o
Aaron: Yeaah..

I didn't want to make him sad. It's just that, I couldn't help but feel the way I did. He still said he'd change, and idk what to believe. His dad is the reason for our lack of communication. I'm not surprised. "You're cutting me off from my girlfriend." "Yeah.. pretty much." That hurt me. I couldn't believe his dad said that and the fact that his dad thinks I'm just "some other girlfriend" Wow. Way to be discouraging. No faith. At least get to know me, I'm not just 'some other girlfriend' I'll prove you wrong, just you wait. There's no wonder why Aaron's the way he is. With the way that Denise treats Aaron and Sarah I'm not surprised they act the way they do. Especially taking everything away from Aaron, makes him want to rebel even more. Aaron isn't even supposed to be on the internet or even call me for that matter but he does it anyways. He pretty much does the impossible for me.. I'll give him that, that's for sure. Risking himself from getting trouble just to keep in contact which is ever so often.. it sucks. He put himself in this position though. That's what annoys me. This wouldn't be a problem for us but it is.. and I can't do much about the fact that his dad takes me away from him. Biggest cock blocker ever. Lol *sigh*

Me: Give me a legit reason why you didn't call me Saturday.
Aaron: There isn't a legit reason.
Me: So you're saying you didn't care to even call me.. you didn't want to go? Is that it?
Aaron: What? No. I would go anywhere with you..
Me: Then tell me Aaron, because idk anymore. You're making me question whether you care for me. You're making me question whether you really do love me.
Aaron: No.. I just knew he was going to say no from the start. He already takes my phone every now and then. So I thought to myself. 'Hm, should I call her? Maybe if I don't, she'll get the picture.'
Me: Well if you told me that from the beginning then I wouldn't have felt this way! That's the thing, we lack communication! You should've told me.

Fuck dude. It hurt me when he said "Maybe she'll get the picture." It made me feel like one day he'd leave me hanging or something. I still never got this all resolved though.. I still feel confused. Idk what to believe. I love him so much, and he knows it. Everyone knows it. I'm hoping I feel better by tomorrow.

Now that I think about it.. I kind of understand Savannah in Dear John. How hard it is to be away from the person you long for. Waiting on letter after letter. The rare unexpected, precious calls you get every now and then.. Having to live everyday like everything is normal without them being with you at all times. Trying not to worry whether they'd come home alive and the simple fact of just.. waiting. It was hard for her. I still don't understand why she left him for that wheelchair guy, but I understand the struggle and pain she went through. Sad fact but I may have to live through that too.

Effort is all I ask. If we're gonna last more, I gotta ask for more, and if that means I'm asking too much, I'm sure we'll end up as our last.

3 AM Scenario.

My thoughts have been consuming my mind for the past few hours. I can't even sleep because of how much this bothers me. Is it wrong of me to be upset? I don't even know if I should be or not. Like seriously, am I overreacting? I can't think straight.. fuck. -_-

*2 weeks later, and I visit him at his house to talk.*
3 serious questions. Be honest, how much do you care for me? (A lot.) Do you really love me? (Really? Please tell me that's a rhetorical question.) Just answer my damn question, do you or do you not love me? (Of course I love you.) Tell me.. how do you honestly feel about our relationship right now? (I love it.. I love youu. Why are you asking me these questions? It's scaring me.) Don't get me wrong, I love our relationship, but right now it fucking sucks. You don't realize how you've made me feel for weeks now. I have felt sad, angry, frustrated, annoyed, and confused all at the same time because of you. I have felt ignored and neglected like you don't even care for me anymore. Do you know how terrible that feels? Sometimes I feel like.. all our relationship is about is physical contact. You do realize a relationship should be more than just the physical stuff right? But that's the thing about our relationship.. we lack communication. I see you about once every two weeks Aaron.. I BARELY talk to you. Even when you got a new phone, that made no difference whatsoever. It was the same shit.. we still didn't talk. You barely texted me.. and don't give me that "Well I was waiting for you to text me because I was always the one to start conversations" bullshit. BULL FUCKING SHIT Aaron. I texted you! I waited for you to text me back and that's all I ever did for you was wait! 12 hours later, you reply. 3 hours later, you reply. 2 hours later, you reply. If you're busy, just tell me. I'm tired of waiting for your ass. You KNOW I'm as impatient as you are, yet you pull this shit on me. All I asked was for you to ask permission on whether or not I could come over.. and you failed. You failed to ask. The worst your dad could've done was say no. You know that would've been fine right? It's called ASKING FOR PERMISSION for a reason. A 'yes' or 'no' question, yet you couldn't even try. "Baaaaby (;" "Yes dear? I love you." "I love you too! I miss you so much dude." "Awww I miss you too. I'll see you soon somehow I promise." I PROMISE. Fuck your promises Aaron! All you ever do is promise me things. I don't believe in promises for a reason. Promises are always meant to be broken. Promises give people false hope. You want to do something, then do it! Don't tell me you're going to do it, actions speak louder than words. I'm tired of always believing in your words. I don't even know if I can believe you care for me. (Of course I care for you, you mean so much to me.) Is that so? If you really missed me or cared to even talk to me or speak to me, you would've done something by now. All I've ever been was understanding towards you, all I've ever been was sweet and nice. But I feel like you're taking advantage of that. I'm not always going to let you slide. You don't believe that I have a mean side, you've only seen me as a sweet, innocent, good girl.. well you know what? Fine. You'll get to see my ugly side. Because if I can't ask you nicely, then fuck.. nice knowing you kid. I WILL be mean. I can be the biggest bitch you know because you asked for it. I'm not in this relationship to be your mother, I shouldn't be telling you to "do this.. do that." I'm your GIRLFRIEND. I'm supposed to support you through things, not tell you what to do. Why the fuck am I babysitting you in the first place? Most girls break up with guys who act as immature as you do. But do you KNOW why I've held on? Do you know why I haven't given up? I'll be honest, everyday I have felt like giving up. But I haven't, because even if you have your flaws, even though I may be mad at you, or annoyed, or frustrated or whatever it is.. I look back on what we've done together, I look back on everything we've ever said to each other, I look back on how you made me feel through the time we've spent together and those negative emotions you caused me just don't matter anymore because.. I fall back in love with you all over again no matter what. You mean THAT much to me that I can't even bare to lose you. I keep fighting to keep you, but there's only so much strength in me left Aaron. I can't keep fighting by myself. I need you to fight for me too. I need you to show me you care for me. I need you to show me that you love me. All I'm asking for is your effort. Your effort to keep me. Your effort to communicate with me in any possible means. I understand you've gotten privileges taken away. But who's fault is that? Just try. Don't I at least deserve that much from you?

I hate that I love you
No matter how sad, or angry, or annoyed you make me feel, I fall back into this spell you have on me. I look back on everything we've done together, every word you said to me to make me fall into your trap and that pain you caused disappears.
Actions speak louder than words
You haven't contacted me at all today. Not even a "hey sorry I don't think you'll be able to comeover.." or some sort of reassurance that you really do love me. Because frankly I can't believe it anymore. I'm tired of your stupid words. I'm tired of always being so "understanding" being so sweet to you. Never staying mad at you because frankly you mean that much to me that I can't stay mad. You've fucked up my heart and brain functions. Idk what to feel and think anymore. You're confusing me bro! What the fuck. Do you love me? I feel like you're lying to me. We haven't talked for almost a week now. 3 to 5 fucking days dude. Are you okay with that? Because obviously I'M not. I want to give up.. seriously. I don't want to deal with this. If you're going to continue to do this, how the hell are we going to have long distance relationship? In ANY type of relationship, communication is KEY. You NEED to communicate with each other in any way possible to maintain the relationship. Like seriously, I feel like I've been forgotten. I've been ignored. I don't even think you care anymore.
"You guys, my boyfriend is broken.. I think I need a new one." LOL
At least being with my friends for the past few days kept me sane. Aaron is obviously doing a poor job at keeping me sane. All he's done is frustrate and annoy me, stupid idiot.

My dream was sooo weird.
I don't know why the hell Erwin was in it O.o
Then I find out he's not a virgin! Like what the fuck. What? First I hear that you party. 2nd I hear you drink. Now I find out that you've had sex? I've missed so much out of your life. I can't believe it.
"I hate how we talked so much freshman year then we just stopped sophomore and junior year."
I feel bad that I did that to him. He was one of my really good friends. But I made it up to him, this year I've gotten really close to him. Homies for life. JETS <3
But point of the matter is that I realized I love Aaron. Ha How I've felt for the past couple of weeks, yesterday, and my dream.. yupp! Head over heels. Lol that bitch ass though.. -_- his lack of communicating irks the hell out of me. I'm hoping I get to see him Saturday so we can actually talk. But idk it's up to them! Sarah and Aaron always asks for permission for things LAST MINUTE. Which is so annoying! I get to their house on Halloween and they don't call their parents until I actually get there. Dumbass bitches. They're lucky I love them. Smh.

It sucked to be love sick yesterday. I fucking hate it to the core that i'm always love sick. Distance kills me. Idk how I'm going to survive later on when he leaves for 6 months. Actually, no. Distance isn't killing me.. it's the lack of communication! I'm tired of feeling like you don't care to talk to me. We don't talk about anything anymore. You don't bother to text me back right away either. I haven't talked to you for 2-3 days. I text you, you don't text me back. It's hard enough that I can't talk to you on the phone, and when you get a phone again, its the same shit just different situation. It's hurting me Aaron.. I feel like our relationship is based off of sexual contact. I love making out with you, I love your touch, your everything but our relationship shouldn't only be based off of physical stuff.. *sigh* I miss you.. SO much. You have noo idea. Our relationship is so great ya know? But.. lack of communication is the thing that's kind of screwing everything over. Sometimes I feel like giving up. I'm just like, "Why do I feel like I'm doing everything in this relationship? What's the point anymore?" But then I'm just like.. no Jess. You're being stupid. This is utter nonsense. You can't lose him. It'll crush you to lose him.. so I set everything aside and I come back to reality, I love him. I have to keep fighting to keep him, and never give up.

Yesterday was such a great day (: Erwin and Tyrone came over, and the original plan was to just chill at my house ya know? But I couldn't stand being at home. I had to leave, I was sooooo bored. Like I would've died staying at home. So I decided we could just go to Kristine's house and I'm glad I thought of going to Kristine's house. We camera whored A LOT last night, and I did NOT look attractive. I bummed it out yesterday, I didn't care what I looked like. Ha It was Erwin, Tyrone, and Kristine. Lol it didn't matter. Last night consisted of a lot of bonding moments, insiders, good laughs, love sickness -__-, and smores. Dumbass Erwin, he kept eating the fire! Resulted in burning the corners of his mouth, watch that shit get worse and he'll look like he got herpes. HAHAH that's what he gets though. I told him so many times to stop. Stupid fool. But maan, last night was over all = CHILL. I love my friends <3

Today was semi good and semi shitty.
Good things: felt really productive at my jobsite today, spent the rest of my day with good friends, McDonald's run at 10 pm.
Bad things: Bad fucking headache, Aaron's bitch ass didn't text me all day until 6:47 pm, I was irritated all day so I decided not to text him, and once again.. BAD FUCKING HEADACHE. I want to cut my head open. OMGAHHHH. I can't even.. -___-

Honestly, you CAN leave Tj, but you choose not to. That's why it's hard for you to let go of him bc you've gotten so attached to him and grew to love him that you believe you can't. But you have to be realistic here.. You can't tell yourself "What if this.. what if that.. what if he's really not perfect, it's just what i think.." Well how would you know if you haven't tried? How often do you find guys who respectfully asks to take you out on a date? Do you realize how rare that is? Nick could be the perfect person for you and you wouldn't even know it because you're holding on to someone who you've had history with, who knows you better than any guy you know. That's the thing though.. you let Tj get to know you well enough to KNOW you. But what about Nick? Would about the next guy that comes around? They could get to know you like the back of their hand if you let them. I'm not trying to imply that you should leave Tj and just stick with this Nick guy but you have to not only think about what you WANT but what you NEED. You want to stay with Tj, that's cool. But if you guys aren't established. Then what are you doing? You can't sit around "thinking" or "wanting" a relationship to work out when clearly it's not working out. There's only so many chances you can have to make something work until you realize, you can't fix something that's already broken. You said it yourself.. you wanted this year to be different, Tj couldn't mess up your year, but that's what's happening here. All I'm saying is.. go for it. Talk to Nick. Get to know him, let him get to know you. If you start to like him, okay cool. You're human, there's no harm in liking another guy. Why question whether it'll affect your decision? Of course it'll affect your decision. Obviously you're going to have to choose between the two. No doubt about it. In the end, it's up to you to choose what's best for you.

"Kiss my ass and my anus, cause it's finally famous!"
LOL I love Nicki Minaj <3
Tiffany- "I hope her ass is real, I idolize it. Lol"

Okay I'm exaggerating, but what the fuck ever. She irks. I can't even right now. Always arguing and fighting alll the time. I hate living in such a negative environment. That's why I try my hardest to stay away from home, because I come home to a hell hole. Nothing but fakes and liars. All I WANT is to be happy. I try my hardest to be happy, and ya know sometimes I really AM happy.. but it never lasts.. *sigh*

No matter how much you guilt trip me over how I spent it with Aaron, I'm sooo glad I spend it with him. For once, I felt at peace. It sad how I come home, and I'm automatically heated. I'm not even happy at home. I'm stressed, under pressure, negativity just surrounds the house. I can't.. live this way. I don't want to be sad anymore. I don't want to be mad either. Yet you guys put that in my life. That's why I'm so thankful to have Aaron, he keeps me sane. If I didn't have him, I'd probably living in misery, all emo, sad and mad all the time, stressed more than ever.. I just can't.. You seriously need to get a reality check and understand that I'm older now. "I'm trying to look for your costumes from before." Yo. You DO realize those are costumes from like 6 years ago right..? Come back to the present. Stop living in the damn past! If anything I'd want to dress up cute this year, I didn't even dress up cause.. I just didn't feel it. It didn't even feel like Halloween.. You fucking irritate me. I feel like hanging myself just being in your presence. -___-

What the fuck. Dude shut the fuck up. The one year I decide to spend Halloween with someone else you're going to put that against me?! The fuck is wrong with you? Are you high? GET OVER IT. I'm already 17, I'm old enough to spend holidays with whomever I want. "Come home, you're sister needs you. I want it to be like before when you were 12 and we went trick or treating all together." Bitch ass nigga, my 13 year old sister gets to go and spend Halloween with her own friends and the one day I want to spend it with my boyfriend you're gonna complain about her needing me and spending it "all together?" Are you fucking me? I'm fine with trick or treating or whatevers but bitch! I don't EVER see my boyfriend! I don't talk to him! The ONE day I get to you're going to bitch at me for not spending it with you? The fuck? I'm with you EVERY FUCKING DAY. I'm with Jan allllll day EVERY FUCKING DAY and you're going to guilt trip me? BYEEEE.