Today has been such a freakin drag. I hate Tuesdays when they feel like Mondays. I'm always a crab on days like these-____- grrrr.

On another note, I got my yearbook today! I've only had a few people write in my yearbook so far, but who the heck knew they'd write so much?! Lol I mean I love it don't get me wrong but I'm SHOCKED. I haven't talked to that much people this year. Like I gave up on making friends, I became very bitter. I just stopped caring. Throughout the year I lost friends and I've kept some so it's just.. shocking. And then I noticed a few people mentioned "I hope to know you better next year" or "I don't know you very much but.." Its so funny, I didn't realize I haven't really talked to people. When I think about it, I didn't really make much of an effort to even try to get to know everyone. It's not like me, but idk Junior was a bad year for me. I stopped caring about EVERYTHING. I mean at one point I stopped caring about my grades. But I changed that, I went MIA and focused on school. I guess that's why I lost friends. But I'm just glad to know my grades are fantastic this year. It makes me feel better about myself. It's kind of hard for me to let Dena and Cousin sign my yearbook because I don't know what they'll say. These last few months with them have been very awkward and different.. and idk I guess you can say distant and weird. I just don't know what they'll say to me. It scares me really. But ya knoww, we'll see what happens.

I can't believe you said that. That really hurt. How can you say that to me? "I'm just letting you know I'm never going to ANY of your events. I'm not even going to your graduation." Wtf dude. You're such a douche. I'm sorry for leaving you at my concert but I told you to wait, I was already walking up to my friends, what was I supposed to do? Stop right in front of them and walk straight to you? The fuck? I asked you to go to my banquet and you had to be an ass and didn't go, instead you waited in the car. So if you're going to go that far. Fine, fuck you. I don't give a flying fuck if you go to ANYTHING, because you're an asshole. I did ONE thing that "hurt" you and you had to cross the line and tell me you weren't going to ANY of my events ESPECIALLY my graduation. That's one of the biggest days of my life and that's like telling me you wouldn't go to my college graduation or wedding. Can you be any more of a douchebag? Thanks for being there me..-____-

I can't live like this anymore. Scared and paranoid. Every time they fight I feel like taking a gun to my head and pull the trigger. At least that way I know my life would be peaceful.. Know one gets it. I mean I don't expect everyone to understand or know how I feel, it's just that.. I hate feeling alone. Feeling like I'm the only one who goes through this everyday. I don't want to live with either of them. My moms psycho, my dads abusive. How do you pick between the 2? I say, neither. It's safer that way. I wish I lived on my own. I wouldn't have to deal with this. I stopped crying a long time ago, and I hope it continues to stay this way. But inside I feel like crying a water fall, ripping my insides out, and just terrible things. I really need therapy. But I looked it up and it said that if abuse is involved, then they'd have to report it because it's according to law. But I'm not ready for that. I don't want either of them to get sent to the slammer. They both put it on eachother and what am I supposed to do with that. That's what sucks.. being stuck in the middle all the time:(

Ugh I can't stand you! All you do is complain and talk all this negative shit! Do you shit as much as you talk? Like seriously. Why NOW. Why? Why can't we just wait til summer? "She might not even be alive" Wtf, you don't fucking think that way. If you honestly think she's sick why don't you live with her like you were supposed to? Finals is coming up, I brought my instrument! I will be screwed if you fuck everything up. I wasn't expecting to do ANYTHING this weekend. I've been so damn busy this whole week all I wanted was to stay home, chill, by myself. Like alone time. All I want, is alone time. Is that so fucking much? I'd be okay with going to Cali if you didn't COMPLAIN SO MUCH. That's what I hate about you! You act like a child! You whine and whine and whine until you get what you want. That's why I hate being around you. I can't even have a simple conversation with you without having any negativity in it.

You. irritate. the. fuck. out. of. me.

I really liked today(:
1st-Presentation went fantastic, everyone loved it.

2nd-we finished A Beautiful Mind, such a great movie. I cried because it was so sad what he had to go through and what he had to suffer throughout his life. No matter how crazy and how hard his life got he kept on trying and I guess it was inspirational in a way.

3rd-I was a nice/mean bitch. Lmao I kept yelling at them, I was so mad. The fuck seriously? How many times do we have to ask you to quiet down? I'm the only one who has the balls to raise my voice and speak my mind. There's only a few that I actually like.. because they respect me. Stupid bitchass freshmen-_-

4th-Ugh, I hope I did okay on my test. That was the weirdest way to take a test. We had to rotate to table to table and write our answer according to what we saw and it was hard because I wasn't at school for 2 days when we had our lab dissections but I knew majority, it was stuff we learned in Berkowitz back in 8th grade. I was kinda glad because I was dressed up all cute and I pretty much had a cute guy partner up with me. Hehe(;

Lunch-Oh goodness, our endless sexual conversations. I love these kids, they're so funny.

5th-We won the pizza party! So I didnt have to play my instrument. Thank goodness. I love Ms Hilton, like she's the reason I'm staying in orchestra. I would cry if she got layed off and they cut orchestra. But she said she talked to people and they confirmed that orchestra's staying and she'll be a permanent teacher. So thank goodness. I hate it, these kids are making me try out to be an officer in orchestra. The fuck do I look like bro? Orchestra's not my life. I don't even like it that much to even stay in that room. smh-_-

6th-Notes. Boring. But maan, Charlie just won't stfu. He talks too damn much, "Hey Jessica." "Jess" "Jessica look at this" "You know you wanna look" STFU duuude. And even when he's telling a story I can't even tell if he's being serious because his voice is just full of sarcasm! It confuses me>_< Lmao

7th-Nora. She's kinda getting on my nerves. Same goes for Rachel. Her attitude just irks. Nora gets all up in your business and Rachel seems like she has a stick up her ass and complains about the littlest things. Ugh, I can't believe I'm saying this but I can't stand 7th period-____- its not even my favorite anymore. But there was one thing about today that I loved.. I had TONS of compliments and A LOT of people looked at me a lot. I guess my outfit really caught people's eyes. Lol Who knew dressing up all fancy like Coco Chanel could catch people's attention.

I watched I Am Number Four, and Alex Pettyfer is so beautiful, If I could do dirty things to him, I would. LMAO and Number 6 is such a badass, I love her. She reminds me of a pretty blonde version of Kristen Stewart. And I noticed I have a thing for guys with blue eyes and pretty smiles. I thought about a lot of the celebs that I find attractive and majority had those characteristics, and I mean the only way you could really tell what type of guy I like is based off of celebrities. Because for some reason I can't describe the type of guys I like just by naming certain things, it has to be described by the littlest things based off of male celebs. Idk, I'm weird like that. It's really funny, I'm like the go-to girl when it comes to celebs. Lol Apparently thats what our group think of me when we talked about how hot Selena Gomez was. They kept saying celebs character names and I'm over here getting irked cause I'm like, "Why do you guys keep calling them by their character names? They have real names ya know?" Lol And every "character" they named, I knew they're real name. I guess i'm just good at names. Ha

What the fuck. My mom thinks I stopped caring about myself, and I care too much of everyone else, and she thinks I don't eat anymore. The fuck is this shit? I eat, and I take care of myself. I do me allday everyday! Don't be makin up shit and trying to make me an excuse for you to fight with people.

Oh and I forgot to mention that I found out someone likes me..
Erwin-_________-
Again.. it's been like, what..? 2 or 3 times he's liked me since I've met him freshman year? idk but maaan, when I found out someone liked me, I was actually excited? Lol It makes me happy that my presence in someones life makes them happy. That's all. Sometimes I just feel like if I suddenly disappeared no one would notice. No one would care. Everyone would live as if I had no impact in their lives. Ehh, I guess it's a bit deep, and it may not be true.. but that's how I feel. Because no one seems to make me feel any different. Maybe I should think different of myself in a more positive way but it's hard for me to believe I've made any impact in anyone's life if I've done nothing but watch people come into my life make me happy and suddenly when they actually mean a whole lot to me, they just drift away from me. It's like they're sailing away from me on a sailboat and I'm the lone wolf stranded and abandoned on an island of lonesome isolation. How flipping sad is thaat? Blahhhhhhhh:\

Yesterday was pretty fun. We went to Gameworks. I was thinking of so many different ideas for next year's mentor trip, and they're all really great ideas if I say so myself.

Today was a pretty good day as well, except for the fact that I felt really "ehhh" allday. I dressed up all nice and fancy for my Coco Chanel presentation but Mrs. Colasuono didn't call my name:( so I have to dress up again on Thursday-___- it's a bummer, cause I was excited to present. Oh well:P

Mommy's friend was so nice. I wish I had someone complimenting me more often. Not trying to sound cocky or whatevers but I absolutely love and adore getting compliments. I wore a really pretty long dress and right when I walk towards the car she tells me "You look so beautiful honey!" Like that simple compliment made me feel really good. I guess it's because I have a really low self-esteem and my insecurities just depress me. It's like no matter how many times my friends tell me I'm pretty or beautiful or how great of a personality I have, it doesn't affect me in any way. I don't mean to be bitter but it's the truth. I think it's nice of them to say but it doesn't phase me. I don't care. But for a stranger or someone who doesn't say things like that to me that often, simply makes my day. Because it's honest judgement. If it weren't true they wouldn't have said it to you. When friends compliment you, it's like you expect them to do it. When mommy's friend said I'd go far in life, and I'd be the most wealthiest and most successful of my sisters.. I believed her. It felt really good to have someone support me and encourage me that way. My parents don't encourage me to do anything, they don't say "I'm proud of you for this.." or "Jessica, this and this.." It's always about Jojo and Jan. Jojo has a boyfriend in the military, Jan has straight A's she's going to be valedictorian of her class. They go to my concerts, they do certain things but it just doesn't seem good enough. I hope and believe mommy's friend.. I will go big. And i'll work hard. Maybe my fantasies can become reality if I just work hard and make them happen. I can do it, I know I can(:

I watched Big Daddy for the 2nd time today, I guess I was really young to really understand the movie until now. I didn't even know Dylan and Cole Sprouse were in it. They were so cuuute! "But I wipe my ass! I wipe my own ass!" Hahaha so adorable<3

I forgot how much I love the Jonas Brothers. Lol
"Let's make the past behind us" - Hey You
I heard their music quite a lot today.
And there were a lot of British people at the mall today, I loved it! Their voices make me melt inside.

I seriously just hate it. I hate seeing her everyday. Knowing that we seriously have no friendship. As much as she wants to back her shit up, and tell me "Oh you're still gonna be my cousin, no one can replace you. I'll always be here for you." I just can't believe her. Because she's gonna go and talk to other people around me except for me. Not say "Hi" unless I say something. Or even notice my presence at all. Then she put my name last on the damn fucking list when we were doing elections. Like what the fuck nigga? I'm not supposed to be fucking last. I've had this position for 2 damn years. No one has EVER had this position except for me and you're the bitch ass who's gonna put me last? OH HELL NO. She put Dena before me! Wtf bro. I guess Dena's more important than your so called "cousin" Stupid bitchassss. Oh yeah and then when she was telling her speech, I was getting so fuckin irked. She claims she was in KIN Club for 3 years. That beezy wasn't in KIN Club until the end of freshman year. When we literally did NOTHING. No events or ANYTHING. She didn't want to join but me and Liz dragged her in to join. So if it wasn't for me and Liz she wouldn't have known about the club. Ugh she bugs. She's like David! A damn cockroach-_-

Today we had elections in KIN Club, and Patricia was running for president. See the thing was.. she invited Nicki Nerona, Trix, and Jamie to the club last min. And I knew they wanted to join ya know? But for next year. It was a little fishy that those 3 joined at last minute when we decided to do elections. And so our president this year, Diana, complained about it. She checked the constitution to see if that was even allowed. It was against our Constitution, because these people had to have been a member in the club for quite awhile, went to every meeting, and participated in our events and all. So yeah, of course she got upset because Patricia kind of rigged the election, intentionally or unintentionally. Diana also thought that bringing in those three was just trying to get Key Club to take over KIN Club. Because Key Club is different now, it's more diverted and there arent as many Asians. So all the Asians are planning to be in KIN Club so it made her think that Patricia's just trying to get these people to take over. I mean Diana had the time to give me her two cents about the whole situation, and I agreed. I totally agree with her. But I didn't want to be in the middle of this whole shit. She got me in the middle of it! She wanted me to talk to our advisors with her about it, I seriously didn't know what to do. And so I had to talk to Liz about it, she agreed as well but she was like, "You tell her, it's between her and Patricia. If she wants to talk to them, then tell her to do it herself" and I was freaking out ya know? I didn't know what to do. Then the awkward part comes in.. Patricia walks out of the room while we were talking, and she asked "What's going on?" and we both looked at her, and Liz.. thank god for Liz she was like "Oh nothing just stress." cause I didn't know whether to tell her the truth or not. So we went inside and just went on with the elections.

So for the past few months, Patricia and I have been drifting apart day after day after day. And I got to that point where I accepted it, it hurt me but I couldn't keep it from hurting me anymore. She was a really great friend to me for most of high school and I just couldn't stand her not being my friend anymore. We were so close that I called her my cousin, and my mom made her mom my ninang, and I thought we were going to be friends for a very long time. You'd wonder why the whole "drifting apart from friends" thing bothered me so much. I wasn't being obsessive or anything, it's just.. I was really attached. My expectations about our friendship dropped and it just left me in disappointment. In myself. In her. Like at that time I needed her the most, my parents were fighting so much that I needed that one best friend to keep me from staying focused, and being happy, and just that support. Ya know? But she left when I needed her the most. And that's what hurt me the most, and that's when I just pretty much gave up on our friendship. Things literally went down hill, we barely talk. I don't see her the same way I used to. We don't tell eachother anything. The only things I say to her is "Hi cousin!" I stopped using her locker, I took all my shit out. And honestly, I don't even trust her anymore. It's thaat bad. And the weird thing was, I had a dream about her last night. Usually I'd tell her, ya know? But it wasn't something I wanted to tell her. It was more of my subconscious telling me something. Telling me that, as much as I deny it.. I really do miss her. In my dream, all we did was hang out and go everywhere together. It felt like old times, like things never changed between us. But I woke up and reality slapped me in the face.

Maan, it was a good day but then a bad one too. I don't know, I guess it was okay. I've been very tired all day.

I wonder how I'm going to dress up as Coco Chanel on Tuesday..? Hm, I'll find something(: I love black, at least there's a fashion designer who agrees with me. Lmao it's like.. destiny. She loves black, she makes vintage type clothing(that's the type of clothing I favor the most), she loves comfortable clothes, she was the middle child of 3 girls. She's just.. made for me:D Hahaha Chanel and Michael Kors have to be my ultimate favorite designers<3

the sad truth is..
Liars always think that no one is telling the truth.

It's so hard to choooose-_-
Working solo or partner it up..? Hm, decisions.. decisions.

Letting go is not about forgetting the past, but living and growing for a better future.

My stress level at home gets so high, I feel like I have high blood pressure. It makes me so angry to be put in this environment. I have so much anger and sadness put on myself that I just don't know how to be happy these days, I don't know how to have fun, all I really feel all the time is.. weak. It's dissappointing to feel and appear that way.

Hmm.. so I came to the conclusion on why I may seem tired a lot these days. It could either be because I lack spending time with friends, and I get lonely a lot, which makes me become depressed and I can't sleep cause all I have is me, myself, and my computer orrrrr I take fucking naps after school because I get tired af from long endless school days and I can't sleep til like 2 in the am. Hmm the first one seems more reasonable. Lmao

Aw I'm sorry to get it stuck in your head. I just couldn't help it, it immediately reminded me of you. It was random too! I had no idea, I listened to that song over a million times and it took me until yesterday to realize what it was really about.. i'm such a slow ass. Lmao

I like.. really hate myself right now-_- why am I being such a lazy ass biiiitch? I don't feel like doing homework.. AT ALL. And I don't feel like going to school tomorrow. I don't want to do ANYTHINGGGG. I feel lonely, sad, and lazy. What the crap.

I have a love/hate relationship with shopping. I love the feeling of walking into your most favorite store and you see EVERYTHING that you want. I just hate being on a budget and you have to watch what to get. HELL NO, not the businesss. I hate the exhaustion from shopping a whole day. -____- that's how I feel.. right now. Off to pick up Abby<3 late.

The fuuuuck are you talking about bro?! Bipolar feelings and confused? Now I'm confuzzled myself, you've gotta explain yo ass. Call me when you get the chance after school tomorrow.

Hell to the yeah, I'm making this one day(:

Frozen Hot Chocolate

Ingredients:
6 pieces (1/2-ounce) chocolate , a variety of your favorites
2 teaspoons store-bought hot chocolate mix
1 1/2 tablespoons sugar
1 1/2 cups milk
3 cups ice
Whipped cream
Chocolate shavings

Directions:
Chop the chocolate into small pieces. Place it in the top of a double boiler over simmering water. Stir occasionally until melted. Add the hot chocolate mix and sugar. Stir until completely melted. Remove from heat and slowly add ½ cup of milk until smooth. Cool to room temperature.

In a blender, place the remaining cup of milk, the room-temperature chocolate mixture and the ice. Blend on high speed until smooth and the consistency of a frozen daiquiri. Pour into a giant goblet and top with whipped cream and chocolate shavings.

I've read some of my old posts from like forever ago, and Jan told me I was "too deep" Shut your face-_- Lol that's just how I really feel sometimes, and sometimes cussing is the only way I can take out my anger. I'm not much of a violent person so I guess I use curse words to express my anger, get off that hater-ade.

Ever have that feeling
Like you don’t know what’s going on anymore. Like you don’t care about anything anymore. You’ve lost motivation to do anything. You’re mind is set on too many things that you are confused about your feelings, and you can’t explain how you feel either. The feeling of emptiness, and feeling that barely anyone is there for you. Feeling that no one understands you anymore. And it seems like there is nothing to look forward to anymore.

When I found this on tumblr, I was like.. "Holy freakin shit. How the hell? That's EXACTLY how I feeeeeel." :o Like I have no words. I had no idea what or how I've been feeling for like weeks now, and this right here.. is how I feel.

Lmfao! "you're a little vagina annoying me and shit." HAHAHAHAH you're so funny. I don't think I have EVER heard you say something close to the lines of penis and vagina. You always try to avoid saying or talking about those things. That makes me laugh. LOLOLOL(x

That just seems to be the only way I can talk to him-____- vent. That's all I do. I vent to him. It's terrible. Why am I so fcking emotional? Why? Why can't I just be a rock just like everybody else in this damn family instead of a stupid jellyfish who gets mad easily, who cries out of anger so much that she doesn't even know the difference between anger and sadness, the one who talks about her feelings all the time. I'm such a freaking cry baby and it annoys the hell out of me. I really take things to the heart. Happiness to me is beyond joy, anger to me is rage, sadness to me is depression, and jealousy to me is beyond envy/jealousy. What the fck bro, what am I? A freaking vampire? My emotions get to a level that's abnormal. I'm just TOO emotional, and I don't know how to handle myself. If I can't handle myself, then.. who can?

Sometimes I just wish I could turn my emotions off, and feel nothing. See how it feels to feel nothing.

Gawwwwwwd. I fuckin hated Friday!-_- I forgot to rant about it last week. Just everything pissed me off, the wind especially.. I was alone most of the time:\ well that's how I felt. Everyone was off in their own little groups and I was alone, the third fucking wheel. I didn't even want to go to the game, but Steph wanted me to, so I said why not. I regretted it as we walked towards the bleachers, it was FREEEEEZING.

And like it makes me sad that I've drifted apart from the people I thought I'd be friends with for a long time, but then again. Fuck it. If they wanna leave, I can't stop them. I wanna just meet new people already and be happy again. Having the feeling of being replaced sucks, seeing them happy with other people sucks, because you're over here left thinking, "The fuck did I do? Why'd you leave me when I needed you the most?" And you can't help but feel sad all the time, because there's no one new to be the "new them". To enjoy "their" company. To talk to "them" about EVERYTHING and ANYTHING. To feel "close" with someone, and feel like only you 2 have that bond and no one else. Yupp. It sucks. But what can you do? People suck.

Today was a good way to begin the month(: I felt like a BAMF, just walking into the campus in the middle of the school day. Haha I pretty much skipped my 1st through 4th periods to sleep in and chill, then I decided to buy lunch for our group and bought myself Starbucks, I stayed half way through orchestra, then took my AP Psyc exam! It went faster than I thought. Parts of the exam was hard and some part were pretty easy. All in all, it was okay. It felt like such a short day because I ditched all my classes pretty much besides, half of orchestra.. that doesn't really count. Lol I loved it! I walked out of the room, wondering where everyone was and realized the school day was over. Ha. What a wonderful day! Next up, AP US History. Maan, I really wanted to see Erika David and Traphik and all those other youtube stars this weekend:\ I've been planning to watch them for over a month and I can't. How lame. Whatevers, I guess they'll be back next year or something. Hopefully I have money then. Hmm what else shall I talk about my dayyy, oh I have to call David tonight.. I feel like I'm such an asshole towards him. Okay I don't "feel" like I am. I AM an asshole towards him. He doesn't see it though, thank goodness. I purposefully don't want to talk to him. It's probably been a month or maybe a little over a month since I've talked to the kid. Oh dear:P

I can't believe the week i've been waiting for has finally come. AP Exam week. After this, my life will officially be stress-free!:D I'm excited. Well not totally stress free. I still have other classes, and my parents, and colleges, and SATs, and ACTs, and scholarships, and OMG.. I have to stop thinking. It makes me kind of sad, this is it.. in 2 months we're seniors. It'll be it, we'll be working, driving, everything. Total adults. I don't even remember being a kid and having fun. High School was a waste of my 3 years so far, Senior year will be the year(: I'm gonna have fun, no drama, just happiness! It's my turn to be happy. I've tried my best to make everyone else happy, and I just forgot about myself. Not this time. Fuck boys too, I wasted a year liking a jerk.. it wasn't worth it. He made me more confused and upset more than anything, I was blinded by the fact that I "thought" I was happy, but I wasn't. I just liked him so much that I didn't see reality.