I'm extremely emotional, I take shit up the ass, I get mad at the smallest things, nothing every satisfies me, therefore I'm hard to please. I tend to get violent, I have a bad attitude, and I procrastinate to the max.

I want to change that about myself for you.. you go and tell me "No, I love you just the way you are." Yet you complain about that shit. What the fuck do you want? Don't tell me you love you me the way I am if you're going to continue to complain about how I am. It's one or the either. I hate that you point out my flaws, it hurts. I feel like I'm not good enough. Then you go and pull that "But I love you" crap or "you're amazing just the way you are"

Then we go and fight about the smallest things.. *sigh* -_- You're one to talk Aaron.. you get mad at me for "doubting" you, bitch you doubt me over the littlest things so don't even.

Eh, I'm just.. annoyed.

Gosh.. I feel like I just had a freaking nightmare :(
So it was just like a normal dream, I was with Aaron and we were just having conversation. He was getting frustrated because I wouldn't tell him what I plan on doing for his birthday.
Aaron: "What are you planning on doing for my birthday?"
Me: "I can't tell you.. it's a surprise."
So then he changes the subject...
Aaron: "Oh so there's something I have to ask you."
Me: "Oh? Okay, what's up?"
Aaron: "So I was talking to one of my really good friends and she wanted to bring me to Sadies.."
Me: " ... Oh really? Oh.. okay. Fine.."
Aaron: "... Are you sure? You don't look like you're okay with it."
Me: "No, no.. I'm fine. Go ahead. Whatever.."
Aaron: "I haven't seen her in a really long time.. thank you for understanding."
Me: "Yeah no problem.. Ya know, I might as well not spend your birthday with you."
Aaron: "What? Why?"
Me: "Because that was the surprise.. I was going to ask you to the dance on your birthday and now that you're going with your friend.. I might as well just not come over anymore."

:( That kind of broke me.. I was like 'You'd rather go to the dance with YOUR friend than YOUR gf? Whaaaat?' Then I realized I was dreaming. Phew, what a crappy dream -_-

Although the fighting b/w the parents has been an irritation to my insides, I have learned to let it go by going out with friends. For the past few days that's all I've been doing. It's kind of like a remedy for me. To keep off the sadness that my parents bring me. Spending Christmas even just for an hour with Aaron meant the world to me. Spending it with him today was the absolute cherry on top :) I spent majority of my winter break with Adrian and Erwin x) I've become awfully close with them, they're practically family with how much we hangout together. I declared Erwin my cousin a week ago and Adrian as my cousin yesterday. Haha

I tell you I almost cried because you make me feel like you have no faith in me, in us.. and all you could say is sorry. Ha thanks.. definitely makes me feel better. *sarcasm* Sarah tells you she feels we won't get married in the future and honestly I don't know that either but if you continue to listen to what other people think about our relationship you're not helping at all. You listen to others but you don't manage to believe the truth from me? If Sarah goes and tells you "Jessica doesn't love you." What, you're going to believe that? What are you stupid? First of all, you shouldn't listen to what others say. 2nd, how about you start believing things I say to you. -___- You irk me.

It's like you're asking for us to end..
Stop acting like that. I understand how much you care for me, I understand how important I am to you. But do you have no faith at all whatsoever? Why do I feel like you don't? You make me feel like shit because I feel like it's my fault. It's my fault that I make things so difficult. I'm never satisfied. I'm always angry. I'm always tired. I'm always busy. It's ALWAYS my fault.
I feel like you have no faith in us.. with you always thinking we might break up.. I don't know if you realize this but every time you do this you're actually pushing me away. So stop. Seriously. -_-

You neeeed to slow down dude.. you keep talking about marriage and how we're gonna end up living together and shit. Calm fucking down. I can't predict my future. I don't know if that's going to happen. You need to live in the present not the future.. *sigh*

Well they redeemed themselves. Lol I guess the exhaustion from the long busy week got me all irritable and cranky. I couldn't stop complaining and venting about how angry I was at Aaron Friday night, but who knew that my anger would get him scared.. it scared him to think that me getting mad at him would push me away from him. He honestly thought that he'd lose me. He looked so sad when he said that. I felt so bad, simply hugging him and reassuring him that he won't lose me was all I could do. I was like, "There WILL be days where we'll be mad at each other. That's just how it is. Just because I'm mad at you doesn't mean I would leave you. Makes me wonder what our 1st fight will be like, considering we both have tempers."

I had a good time at the holiday party. I saw some ROTC kids from our school, it was kind of weird. Afterwards was better though, it was awkward because I didn't know anyone and we were just sitting there. They didn't start putting on music until we decided to go, how lame. The music sucked too, so it was good that we left. I love how Aaron's family is practically my 2nd family. I didn't want Aaron and Sarah to leave. Lol Aaron was treating me like he hasn't seen me in years. It made me laugh because he wouldn't let go of me. He made sure he held on to me. Ha

My neighbor has a blow up Pooh Bear for the holidays on their front yard and I've been waiting to take a picture with it and last night was the best opportunity! Me and Aaron took pictures with it and we had a kissing photo. I thought it was so cute (':

I'm so irritated and annoyed by Aaron and Sarah -_- I just want to punch them in their faces. "Gosh, why are you so mean to me tonight?" Bitch don't be surprised.. you irritate me. Don't EVER guilt trip me. That's one of my biggest pet peeves. "You're always tired.." I'm fucking sorry I have a busy schedule and right at the end of the day I get tired. What the fuck do you want me to do? Sit on my ass and play video games with my sibling like you do? You don't do ANYTHING. You don't make plans with friends. You don't hangout with people your age. You don't even TRY. Key word Aaron, TRYING. You don't make an effort to do anything.. seriously. It pisses me off, as a human being I get tired at the end of every productive day. It's normal. You make it seem like I sleep 24/7. I don't know where in sam heck you had the idea of me taking naps. I don't EVER take naps. I stopped awhile back. I haven't taken naps in like months. I don't have time to take naps dude.

Aaron: Tell me, do you want to go?
Me: Well it's no that I don't want to go, I'm exhausted. It's been a long week. Plus my dad's coming home tomorrow. I haven't seen him in 2 weeks. I can't stand 2 weeks without my dad.
Aaron: Then tell me.. DO you or do you NOT want to go?
Me: Yes..
Aaron: Yes you want to go?
Me: No..
Aaron: It's simple, do you want to go or not?
Me: Well do you want me to go?
Aaron: Of course I want you to go.
Me: Well I don't want to go.
Aaron: I hope you know this is gonna crush Sarah.
Me: What? Why?
Aaron: Because she won't have anyone to hangout with.
Me: Ughhhhh. Fine! You know what, I'm going. Final answer.
Aaron: You're giving me a headache.
Me: Well you're a pain in my ass!

I love how you're talking shit. You try to make everyone look worse than who they really are. Don't include me in your shit. You fake ass hypocrite. I'm obviously not your child since you wanted me to not be born. Why "act" like you like me? Why "act" like you care when you don't? It's clear you don't like me. You fake ass bitch. If you don't like me then don't talk to me. You claim he doesn't give you money, but do you know how much money he just gave you and you haven't even bought any groceries.

Honestly, I think my weekend would have been the best, if she didn't piss me off so much. I never knew how much anger and hatred I could produce in my heart within seconds. She just knowws how to make my head explode.

"Well I'm sorry I care too much. You're lucky you have parents that care."
Care? Excuse me care?? You DON'T care about me. If you cared about me, you would ask me how my day was. If you cared, you would get upset at my grades and encourage me to do better. If you cared, you would listen to me when I needed you. If you cared, you wouldn't compare me to my siblings. If you cared you would never tell me you regret having me and wish you had an abortion. If you cared, you wouldn't give up on me so easily to my dad. If you cared, you wouldn't argue about the littlest things just to argue with everyone around you. If you cared, you'd be considerate about other's feelings. If you cared, you wouldn't cause so much drama and assume the lowest of everyone in your life. If you cared, you wouldn't make everyone's lives miserable just because you're unhappy and you feel that your life is miserable. If you cared... you wouldn't treat me this way.. and maybe.. just maybe.. would I truly consider you as a mother.. but I can't.

You don't act like one. You act like a child. You bring me to my lowest. You're irresponsible. It would take a lifetime to convince me you can be a good mom. Treating your family like shit, is a bad example of trying to be a "mother."

"I wish I didn't have you when I was pregnant, I should've gotten an abortion."
Ouch.

Clearly you're a lying piece of trash. Going around telling my friends that they can sleepover if they wanted to. Then you go and tell them to leave at 2:06 in the morning. Clearly you lie in people's faces just to "satisfy" them, when obviously you're just making yourself look like shit because all you do is lie to people. It's sad that you're the reason why I have problems with trusting people, you're the reason why I used to have problems with people making physical contact with me, you're the reason why I can't sleep well at night because I have nightmares of you two arguing. I'm traumatized. It's sad. I dream about you guys arguing, do you know how pathetic that is? Thanks for being such an amazing mom. -___-

You don't fucking care about me, so shut the fuck up. I don't want to hear it. You guys are the most judgmental people on the whole fucking planet. I don't understand what's so wrong with having guy friends in my room. Like what the fuck? What the hell are we doing that's so wrong? Tell me. Cause I really don't know. I'd understand why you guys would be mad if I brought Aaron to my room because he's my bf and I could do so many things with him but David, or Erwin, or Adrian? The fuck am I going to do with them? David and Erwin both have girlfriends, and Adrian's practically gay. Ooooh something sexual is going to happen right? FUCK THAT SHIT. NO. All I was doing was laying down on my bed playing truth or dare with my friends and you're going to assume I'm doing something bad? Wowww. Yeah they were over late at night, it's a weekend. What are you gonna expect from teenagers? "Oh I thought you had a lot of homework to do?" Why would I be doing homework at 2 in the morning? I'm sick and tired of both of your critical comments. Why does it matter whether your a girl or boy? Why does it matter whether your black or white? Why does it matter whether your short or tall? Fat or skinny? Fuck dude. Who gives a fuck? No one cares. I was just having company over, they were leaving at 2:30 anyways. "You just came from a party and you have your friends over." Okay? I'm sorry I didn't want to end my night so early. I'm sorry I actually want to have fun with friends for once. I never really go out with friends. I never do ANYTHING. But when I do, I get shit for it. "You're doing this too much." "You're always going out" LIES. I don't ever go out. I'm always busy with school and shit. Ask my boyfriend. Ask my friends. When do I EVER have a social life? NEVER. And when I start to have one, I get shit for it. "I don't want them in your room anymore." Okay fine. Idgaf. "What were you guys doing in there anyways?" Playing truth or dare. "Why when I walk in you were positioned like this?" The fuck? I was laying down? Assuming I'm doing something, what are you high? "I like that you're friends with Erwin, and I like that Aaron is your boyfriend." Ookay. It's gonna stay that way. Obviously you're assuming I'm interested in Erwin. I bring David to my room, Daddy automatically thinks I'm going to do bad stuff. Is it possible to even make physical contact when I'm on the other side of the bed from David? I don't think so. I HATE MY PARENTS. They're the ones who ALWAYS bring me to my lowest. They're the ones who judge me the most. They're the ones who bring me the most sadness in my life and I'm sick of it. I'm NEVER happy when I get home. I'd rather stay outside in the cold and freeze my ass off than deal with their shit. Fuck you seriously. I can't wait to leave and live on my own.

I'm indecisive, I never know what I really want. I'm confusing, I mumble to myself a lot, I talk to myself, I think waaay too much, I get mad easily, I'm insecure, I'm moody and emotional, I can be a pain in the ass, I'm rude sometimes, sarcastic to the max, I stress myself out for no reason, I get frustrated for a second and get over it the next and it just makes me wonder.. how can you handle me? You mainly see the good side of me. I can be nice, sweet, kind, polite, I do well in school, I do community service here and there, I'm loyal, I can listen when you're upset, I try my best to make you a better person, and according to you, I have. I'm the type of person who says "I love you" to everyone and means it. I throw my love out there because I don't want to be the type of person who's like "Oh I hate everyone." "People are stupid." "I don't like you, why are you talking to me." Yet I kinda still am. Lol But I've learned to tolerate people more. That's what things I've learned from you. I became a better person by being nicer to people, being more lovable, and tolerating people who annoy the fuck out of me. But I still take shit up the ass. I take things seriously and I can't help it.. I just do. It's just me. It's how I've always been. You're so chill about everything, you're apathetic towards a lot of things. You joke around, while I'm over here all serious. We're so alike yet so different in many ways. The good thing is.. I can be funny and humorous. I will do everything in my will to make you happy. When I say I love you, I do. I can't stress how much I do trust you. When you asked "What, you don't trust me? Tell me, how much DO you trust me? Tell me." I was shocked to have been asked that absurd question. Because I give you my complete trust. It may seem like I doubt you often, but that's your own thinking in the making. I don't doubt you. I wonder why you love me sometimes but I'm not doubting your love for me. I know you love me. That's the side of me you need to get used to.. I WILL wonder about things. I wonder why you love me, I wonder how I was given such a wonderful bf, I wonder why my life is shitty yet amazing at the same time, I wonder why I'm never really satisfied with things. "I can never satisfy you." Why do you say shit like that? I'm sorry.. I'm sorry I don't know what I want. I'll want one thing, you give it to me, and then I don't want it anymore. Well I can't help it, that's just how I am. Frankly, I can barely handle myself sometimes.. and you have to handle the fact that I'm indecisive. I won't know what I really want, it's kind of hard to really satisfy me completely, sorry. So it brings me back to my point.. CAN you handle me? You say you can.. well all I've gotta say to you is.. good luck kiddo!

Jan and I just busted a badass move. Lmao we cut through the screen on my window. I was like, "Jan.. what do we do if we get in trouble for doing this?" "You didn't think that through yet?" "No fool, you're the master mind." HAHAH I love my little sister man. Guess who now has access to the roof? Yeah buddy. Now I could think about things at night or something if I wanted to, or chill with friends or bond with Jan or something. The possibilities are endless.

I miss Jojo too :( Skyping with her for 2 and half hours didn't even feel long. "Caa, come over here so I can bother you." "Uhm, how about you come over here so you can bother me?" "I would! In a heart beat.. I miss everything there. The shopping. The traffic. The driving. You." D'awww <3 I love my sisters. Lol