this is my 69th post overall. lmfao sick wit it(;
I'm going Pretty Little Liars crazy right now. I've never felt so obsessed since.. Twilight:o
I just can't get over how great tonight's episode was, like it wasn't all that great after watching it for the 2nd time but goodness.. I didn't think Tyler Blackburn would get me all excited. Hahaha every Hannah/Caleb scene had them kissing. I LOVE it. lmfao the way he kissed her neck and kissing her before he left to school, "What are you still doing here?!" "I forgot something." "What?!" *smooch* Aww:') and before she went to bed. "Goodnight!" "Sleep tight(:" That was sooo cute<3 I had butterflies in my stomach from how cute they were tonight. Now the sex scene.. oh how dissappointed I was. tsk tsk tsk. It was so.. PG-13. Lol "Are you sure?" "I'm sure, do you have a.." *nod* the hell dude, I wanted more. My teenage hormones are screaming for more, I'm like Britney Spears yelling at the tv to Gimme More. HAHAHAH They could've at least had them making out in the tent and taking eachother's clothes off for pete's sake. Make it damn sexy. Not all.. you-sure-you-wanna-do-this? got-a-condom? status. DISS-A-FREAKING-PPOINTED. Spencer and Toby's sleep scene looked cuter than your sex scene bro! Not the business. And I LOVE Ezra so much more! I love how he's so understanding, and he loves her no matter what. They're the most cutest couple ever! and Em.. I miss Mya. You guys were cute. That Ned's Declassified chick needs to step, cause I'm not feelin it. She was so Unfabulous in her little karaoke scene. It hurt my ears. jk just being a little beezy right now. I'm getting tired. I want to do that with friends one day though. That's my goal in the future. Karaoke at a bar with some friends(: Anywho, Goodnight! Sleep tight<3

After her being gone for a couple hours, and just peace and quiet really calmed me down. I feel better, I don't have that hatred in my heart anymore. To be honest, hate is one of the worst feelings to ever encounter. It's not a good feeling at all, it hurts. The things I just wanted to do at that moment.. maan I'm glad she left. Watching Filipino Romance movies, was my remedy to calm me down. I watch Ngayon Nandito Ako for the 3rd time, and I cried.. so many times. Haha Filipino Romance movies are one of my favorite things to watch! Because it's like you can feel what they feel, how much they love eachother, and how much they hurt. It really gets to you if you're into those types of movies like me. Lol and now I'm just waiting for PLL to come on tonight, I can't believe how many times I watched last weeks episode. Probably 4 times! Hahaha They should have more shirtless moments, just saying(x

WHAT THE FUCK. I'M SO FUCKING PISSED OFF RIGHT NOW. I WANT TO KILL SOMEONE. I HAVE SO MUCH HATE IN MY HEART RIGHT NOW IT'S FUCKING RIDICULOUS. Like seriously?! Who are you to fucking get up all in my fucking business and question all these pictures of girls on my tumblr?! "Oh who's that?" Like the hell?! Who the fuck knows?! Why are you questioning me?! Do you think it's "another woman" or some shit?! You're pissing me off! "Jess ask your friends if they have an extra room to live in, we're moving." "Don't get mad at me for divorcing your dad." FUCK YOU. Shut the fuck up you fucking lying piece of ass. I'm tired of your shit. Do what you want to fucking do. Think about what you're doing. Don't ask my fucking approval. Or ask me not to get mad. I've been waiting for YEARS for you to get the balls to divorce him, have you done it? NO. So stop your fucking bullshit and your lies. If you want a divorce fuckin do it! Stop talking your bullshit and doing nothing about it. ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS you fucking dumbass! UGHHHH. I'm so mad. "Jenny, Liz, Susan.." Like where the fuck do you get these names?! Really?! I thought everything was going well after being together those 3 days! I thought you guys talked it out and were good and you guys proved me wrong. I'm so dissappointed. I wish I had different parents. I'm really tired of you guys putting me through this. I'm always paranoid and traumatized. I don't sleep that well at night anymore because I'm scared he's going to hurt you. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of feeling like I have to babysit my own mom. Or protect you. Why do you lie? Why do you believe your own lies? Why do you make these illogical assumptions and get all up in everyone's business? Why don't you trust anyone? WHY ARE YOU THE WAY YOU ARE? I feel like I don't even know my mom. I don't even know why she's crazy. I want to put her in some sort of mental institute because she's literally CRAZY. Who the hell believes their own lies? Who makes up imaginary shit and believes it? SHE DOES. Fuckin psycho ass. "Don't leave me Jess when you get a job. I need you." Don't tell me what to do. Whether I leave or not isn't your decision to make, it's MINE. So don't tell me what to fucking do. You always have to speak for me, no matter what the fuck it is. Let me choose how I want to live my life. You already fucked up your life, i'm not making your fucking mistakes.

It's ridiculous, how irked I am. I hope it's some sorta PMS thing, because i've been in this mood for a week now. I hate talking to certain people, everyone and everything irritates me, thinking gives me a headache, i'm emotionally and physically tired of EVERYTHING. And it's just exhausting what I have to live through. I have to live everyday acting like I'm fine, so I don't have to deal with everyone asking what's wrong with me, I have to keep a brave face for everyone, so they think "Oh she's been going through a lot, I'm proud of her for keeping her head up high and keeping strong." But there's only so much strength that I have left in me, so much that I feel like breaking down all the time, so much that everytime I feel angry tears just build up at the corners of my eyes and I have to fight them to stay in place. I've been feeling vulnerable, lonely, sad, and tired.. maybe Nora was right.. maybe I AM depressed. I just didn't want to admit it.

Valentine's Day(:

Aside from the fact that I had a great day, what. in. the. world.. I had no idea He would calll? The craap is this man? he's being mentioned like 4x today and then he just randomly calls tonight? Geez la weez-_- then that paper that had my name on it that was on the windows with everyone elses names on it, was written "I'd catch a grenade for you" Like whaat? Coincedence much? It's like these are signs or something. Telling me I screwed up for the 3th time. Gawd damn. He NEVER calls, I was like.. "what's up?" "I called because you didn't call yesterday" Okaay? You act like I haven't done that before bro. I mean I was annoyed, I didn't want to call on purpose, but then again I kinda forgot too. Just the fact that I'm always talking.. I feel like i'm always talking to a wall. I can't believe I blurted out, "Sorry, I feel like I'm talking to myself." that came out wrong, it's a good thing I had a good comeback after I blurted that out. Whatevers though, I guess tonight was better, you had more to say, and you sounded like you really wanted to talk to me, "Well I'm going to sleep now, I'm getting tired." "Aww." Lol Good one kid(:

Wanna know what I hate?

How I just can't have a normal conversation with you anymore. I don't even know what to talk about anymore. I try to avoid "relationship" conversations, because I'm just not ready to talk about that stuff with you. When we broke up, I never said my feelings for you were gone, I mean I don't feel like I did before, but deep down you'll always be in my heart and I feel like it's my fault. It's always my fault. "I'm not ready." "I can't handle it" "My parents.. blahblahblah." My excuses that kept me from really committing to our relationship. I feel like i'm always the reason for everything, for everytime we broke up. You have no idea how much you irk me though, when we were together I couldn't stand it. And yes, it's my fault that we didn't eachother much. Maybe because you make me feel like I'm boring. You didn't do anything, I felt like my self-esteem just sank lower than it was just being single. I couldn't be with someone who made me feel that way, I needed someone to bring my self-esteem up, to boost my confidence, to make me feel beautiful when I felt ugly, to cheer me up when I was sad, to be the one to hold my hand when we walk in public, to hold me and never let me go, to hug me and keep me warm, make me feel safe, and show me you truly cared about me.. You didn't do any of these things. I told you one night that I felt really depressed to the point that I didn't eat or drink or sleep for a whole week, and you didn't say a word. NOT A WORD to me. You didn't show me you were concerned, all you said was.. "Oh." And I'm tired of always having to be the one talking ALL THE DAMN TIME! Best friends or relationship, either way it's always me talking! Like damn, is it really hard to figure out what to talk about? Do I always have to do everything? I was flattered you did the things you did when we were together, but buying me things wasn't enough for me.. caring for me, or showing me you liked me meant more to me than a bear you won at Circus Circus.. but you just didn't know how to show me you cared. Caring comes naturally, and I do it to everyone, I don't know how it could possibly be so hard for you. But it's whatevers, if we were meant to be.. I guees time will tell.

Ugh.

It really irks me how you act like it's a problem to borrow clothes! Jo and I borrow clothes and it's no problem, but with you.. it's like the whole fuckin world is doomed. You complain about me borrowing your clothes but look who's talking you hypocrite. Don't act like you don't borrow mine, I let borrow it because I know you're going to return it, and that's what I do to YOUR clothes. I ask to borrow it, if you say yes, I use and return it. And seee, that's the difference between us, I ASK. You DON'T. You just take as you please like my closet's a damn store and then when I catch you with it, you complain like a fuckin baby to borrow it. You piss me off you hypocritical annoying bitch.

;)

Today was aighhht. It was good but idk, I guess my grades bummed me out. I didn't know our test was freakin today in AP US! I thought it was tomorrow, so I was unprepared, and the other hand SPECs are due tomorrow, wtf. I thought I was on top of things, I guess not. We got our report cards today, and boy am I dissappointed and sad about it. It's AP US that just bums me the freak out, I had a D 1st quarter, 2nd quarter and F, on the exam an F, and as my final.. an F-_- it makes me so sad, because what if I don't pass the exam? What if that stays as an F on my record? I can't have thaat:( Does that mean I have to take the class again, since I didn't get credit for it? Aw craaap.
Well on the bright side though.. me and Jan hungout with Ginger today!:D I was so happy to see her, I missed her, I remember all the good times with her, we ate Hawaiian BBQ and I got boba again(; boopboop, I haven't had this much boba in a month. She wears mascara now! My goodness I can't believe how fast we're growing up, I remember those days when her parents didn't want her wearing make up or shaving or anything, I forget we're in highschool sometimes. Ha Time flies by so quickly, tsk tsk.

I think that Caleb guy in Pretty Little Liars is pretty cute. He kinda looks like he could be one of Twilight's wolf pack. Hah or maybe I'm just attracted to his bad boy type character in the show. (x Idk. Alls I know is that, he has reaaally cute smile(: and I just want to point out that I think that Emily Fields looks like Pochahontas. Omg, I love Spencer Hastings! She's the only one out of girls capable of standing up to Aly. Aria's being very stubborn, she should've just let Hannah finish what she was saying, and it's stupid of Hannah not telling them why she's acting weird and doing what 'A' is telling her to do. Why keep all these secrets from eachother? They're little things that shouldn't even be kept. It's whatevers, I guess it's just to keep the show in suspense.

:'(

That's the most intense fight we all ever had as a family.. I'm like emotionally unstable right now, i'm looking at my hands and they won't stop shaking. I want to cry so badly, but I'm trying to keep strong. There's only so much I can take anymore. I'm paranoid, scared, traumatized, depressed and I feel like no one's here to help me through it, or at least cheer me up.. my family's breaking apart.. literally, and I'm walking on thread trying to keep it together, on the outside I seem happy, but on the inside i'm writhing in pain, because of all the shit i've been put through. Everyone says they care, but really they don't, because they don't show me they do and I feel alone. I'm always there when everyone is going through something or when they need someone, because I care. My mom's probably right, "You do so much for your friends, but why don't they do anything for you?" But who's really there for me? I'm not asking for your pity. I'm not asking for your sympathy. All I want is someone to be there for me when I'm breaking down because I feel like there's no one to catch me as i'm falling.

It's Sadies night..

and I feel like I should've just gone.. being here ruins my mood. I can't freaking believe I unknowingly took a box with the same foot with the sandles that i've been wanting for the longest, fuuuuuck. Now I have to go back to the store! >:( But whatevs, 4 dollars for sandles.. pretty good deal.

You're so fucking dumb.

You piss me off, so much! I hate you. I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you. "You just don't want to tell me." Tell you what?! You motherfucking dumbass! It's like everything we told you meant nothing! You bitch ass cunt. I NEVER under any circumstances ever use that word! And you know what? that's what you deserve. I'm tired of your shit! Putting words in my mouth, making me sound like i'm hiding something from you, FUCK YOU ASSHOLE. I fucking hate you. You make me want to just commit suicide. I'm just done. You accuse me of lying to your fuckface when I NEVER fucking lie to you. And you guilt trip me, just because I want him to eat after he just got done from work you're getting mad at me?! For what? You're a bitch, you're selfish, all you care about is money, you're a money hungry psychotic bitch who needs counseling! Jesus can't even save you! That's what's so fucking sad.

In every good day, there's something bad that always has to ruin it.

Why do you have to do this to me? Why? I don't deserve this. OPEN YOUR DAMN EYES. You don't see who you really are. It's such a dissappointment. You go and blame us for buying all that shit at the mall, and you're the bitch who wanted to go! Don't blame us for your fucking mistakes. That's all you do. & I'm tired of it, I'm tired of you. I'm tired of your lies. I'm tired of your bullshit. I'm tired of you being the one reason from keeping me happy. I'm just TIRED. Physically and Emotionally. It's getting the best of me, I can't hold up anymore. I wanna cry every now and then for no reason. It's those little things you do to make me mad. I automatically explode because I can't take your bull! and you wonder why I seem to like my dad more. You just don't get it! We're all tired of your shit! We don't want to be around you because you always have something negative to say in EVERYTHING. You suck the happiness out of everyone because you're not happy yourself. So you put it on all of us. You make shit up just to start fights. Like what the fuck? Really? Why can't there ever be peace? Why can't we just stop fighting? Why? Why can't you just simply blame yourself for once, see what you're doing to our family, listen and understand the words that you tell everyone. Just do it. Then you'll see why we are the way we are. I don't respect you because you don't simply respect me. It's as simple as that. It goes 2 ways. "I don't want you to be my daughter anymore" Fine! I'm fine with that! As long as your happy right? "Just go live with your dad!" Whatever. At least he doesn't fight with me, at least he doesn't twist my shit around whenever we're having a conversation, at least he's here to listen, at least he helps me whenever i'm having problems, at least he provides shit for the family. He's more of a father to me than you will ever be a mother to me. You haven't been there for me enough to even let me trust you. Your lies are the whole problem. I DON'T TRUST YOU. I can't live with someone I don't trust. If he's cheating, then there. I'll take your side, cause you were all right. But no, I can't do that! I don't have proof. I don't believe you because it's all just words to me. He shows me his flight and everything, if you didn't lie so much and didn't make shit up for no reason then our relationship wouldn't be this way. It's not a matter of who's side i'm taking it's the proof that's given to me. It's honesty. He's the ONLY one working for a family of 4. A family of 4 mom. Think about it! Why else does he work so hard? With the way you spend and the way he spends with gambling and smoking there's no wonder we have bad credit. Think about the facts, be logical, be reasonable, THINK about it. Instead of making shit up and believing your own lies. You don't even trust me, and i'm your daughter! You don't trust your family. And that's the sad part. TRUST. The main problem in this family. It's not about money, it's not about "he's cheating" "she's full of shit" It's about trusting eachother, and that's something we all lack. "Is that all that matters to you? Money?" "Yeah pretty much" "You act like money is everything! Money doesn't give you a family or friends" "You don't have ANYTHING without money." That's the biggest and most utterly devastating response I have EVER had from you. Money must really be your one priority. Cause it's obviously not your family. You say your family means everything to you, but do we really? You treat us like shit. You may have good intentions to an extent but you don't know how much crap you put us through. And all that crap that you've put us through just piles up each and every single day you continue to treat us poorly, and each and every single day you're simply pushing us away. It's sad to say that, but it's true. I just wish you could see that:( I love you, but i'm tired.. I'm done.

I don't know why I feel like this..

I feel terrible. I feel depressed for no reason. Well not depressed, I'm not having suicidal thought just reaally sad. I want to cry right now, and I dont' really have reason to. The shit I go through on the daily shouldn't be phasing me, but I think it is. It's just hard for me to deal with. School is the only get away, and it's not the best get away:| it just makes me stressed and tired. Some of my "best friends" that I used to talk to every single day, or tell everything to, seem to be the people I want to tell everything last to, or don't even want to talk to them. It's not that I don't trust them, but it's like they're not interested anymore. They don't want to make an effort of being in my life anymore. I'm not gonna make you be in my life, I can't always update you like it's some type of news show and later you don't give a fuck, what's the point of telling you? You don't give one shit about me. Some of you are occupied with your bfs, some of you don't even give me a simple phone call(expecting me to do that shit like it's my job), some of you are occupied at tryna get at guys and that's all you think about, and I'm just here. It's only a few that only care and maybe that's why I had that one day I felt unloved and uncared for, because of what all of you have done to me for the past few months. I just miss you all I guess, that's what I'm pretty much saying.. I miss.. us. How we used to be. How close we were. How you guys were the only people who mattered to me, and now I feel drifted away from you all. Like you guys are on a tiny little island while I stranded in a little row boat out in the middle of the sea with no paddle, no nothing. I'm just all on my own.

Today was so BLAH-___-

APUSH:I was tired, dressed all bummish, and took notes.

AP Psych:I hate this period so much! It's so boring. I dread it, terribly.

Guidance-It was pretty chill I guess. "You're supposed to set an example Jess." "I'm hungry okay?" "Mr. Olsen, Jessica's eating chocolate." "Shhh. It's a secret." Hahaha "Not anymore(x"

Zoology H: Had a Sub today, watched a gross ass video. Things that happen to people when they get bitten by poisonous animals:\ Nasty nasty.

Lunch: It was boring with Joseph being absent. We all missed him, how sad. Haha but it was calming. I actually liked it, I talked to Dena finally. I haven't actually talked to her about anything, I mean I see her everyday, but ever since she moved and got a bf, we don't talk as much and I've missed her.. I kinda feel replaced by Katie, in a way:| ew, it's my jealousy talking again. lmfao

Orchestra: BORING AF. I hate the kids in my class, I miss orchestra from Middle School and Freshman year. In middle school, everyone was literally my second family, they knew me, & I always had fun, & in freshman year, we were all cool. They didn't annoy me, & I was friends with most of them, but this year I just don't clique with them, I don't like them at all. I'm quiet af, they think i'm weird(& not in a good way). The only people I like are Maele and Brian. Matthew is the biggest kiss ass i've ever fuckin met. Get over yourself you stupid freshman. Ugh, not the biz. Tryna sell chocolate to us, HELLO you fool.. why are you selling chocolate to people who are selling chocolate themselves? Stupid idiot. And then Cristina! God damn! You annoy the hell outta me, first it was cause you had some of my clothes, and my sandals my tita gave me, and I don't even wear that shit no more cause your jocker ass has it. Seeing them on you, make me not like them and think they're not cute anymore. Omg and don't get me started on your damn attitude! With your dirty looks and shit.. I wanna strangle your ass. You don't even know.

Algebra II H: I loved that class, that's when my mood just immediately changed, and I felt happy. Kathy literally made my day, so I wrote her a little post it, because she seemed really bummish the whole day and so I wrote, "I just want to let you know that you are a very beautiful young lady and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I love you kiddo! -Jessica B" and the look on her face was priceless. I love making people smile or happy(: It just makes me happy and little did I know, she would make me a post it as well. She wrote, "Aww! Thank you corazon! You are also beautiful & dress very cute every day & you are an incredible friend! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise! P.S. You're also very smart! Love you mucho -Kathy E." and that just boosted my self-esteem, that made me happy. Because honestly, I was at the virge of feeling like, no one loved me and cared for me, I always give my all to everyone and they don't care about me shitless. Like why do I always say "I love you" to everyone, and they don't say it back? Does no one love me? and I've been kinda sad lately because I felt unloved and uncared for. Kathy's post it made me realize everyone loves me they just don't need to remind me everyday, I should just know it instantly without any questions.

English Lit.: Lalala love this period! Nora, Liz, and Gino are just the highlight of the end of my school days. Hahah I guess Nora and Gino switched seats today and Nora sat beside me(: She's so freakin funny! "So how do you spell your name?" "S-H-A-D-I-A-M-O-N-D" "Dayummm, you fancy." Hahaha(x Oh Nora. and then I tried to pull a joke on Gino but the bastard ruined it! "Hey Gino wanna hear a joke?" "Yeah sure, w'sup." "Vagina" "..Uh, what?" "vagina." ... "you don't get it?" "well yeah.. I get it.." Nora-"Wait a minute, I don't get it!" "Yeah and you never will." Hahahah Liz-"Ohh. Hahahah" Seee. At least Liz gets me. Geez la weez Gino Delgado, you ruin my jokes bro.

Then I was happy the remaining of the time ya know? But when we went to pick up Jan.. my mood dissappeared:| It was like a 2 hour type thing, grr. And now i'm blogging, FB-ing, and gonna start homework sooon. I need to do it. Pronto.