Why is this feeling coming back to me.. it's like David all over again. Omg wtf is wrong with me -_- Once I have it, it's like... I don't want it anymore. Idek. I feel like that spark we had 10 months ago is dying out every single day. I miss what we used to have. How whenever we talked, it was about anything that came to mind and it made me "happy." Nowadays it's like, when we talk.. I just don't even want to talk to you anymore. No one makes much of an effort anymore, you don't even listen to me when I'm talking. You either pay attention to Alan, Jacob, Roxy, tv, or video games. Sometimes I just don't even want to say I love you anymore, you abuse it. I love you is just a sentence now. It doesn't even have meaning much anymore. I love you, yes... I do. That's how I've felt for you for the longest time and I still do, but I don't know what I want anymore. I'm lost and confused about what I want. Last week, I had no idea how I felt about you, and now I don't know whether I want you anymore. I just hate how you took my problem for these past few weeks as a fucking joke. You thought I was mad at you. Why the fuck? I wasn't mad. I was lost and hurt. I didn't know how I felt, I felt like breaking up with you and that still didn't even mean shit to you. The effort we once had is just gone. My mind will always question whether to keep you or not. My mind never sleeps. Everyone and their fucking relationship seem sooo amazing right now and I wish I had that but I don't. I'm not really happy anymore.

It's pretty sad how a part of me wants to just end everything.. I just want to give up. But what would be my reason? Is it worth it? Is it really what I want? Do I have the guts to even do it? Why.. why am I feeling like this. Sad fucking life right now.

Found this on tumblr...
They say fighting makes a relationship stronger. Yes, for the first half of a legit relationship, fighting makes you guys stronger. But there comes a time when all the fighting doesn’t make you guys stronger anymore. It makes you want to give up. And when it continues, it makes you feel Iike giving up is the only option.

Heart Attack by Trey Songz is the story of my life.
"In too deep, can't think about giving it up But I never knew love would feel like a heart attack It's killing me, swear I never cried so much Cause I never knew love would hurt this fuckin' bad The worst pain that I ever had"

You can tell I've lost interest in talking to him lately.
Me: Really? That's funny. I'm at UNLV right now. Yeah, I've become apathetic towards a lot of things lately.
A: Oh really? Why are you at UNLV? You should stop by and say hi (: and why have you stopped caring so much lately?
Me: To take my math placement tests. Sorry honey, I just left (x and idk why I have been...
A: Hope you did great and awwww I was really hoping to see you.
Me: Yeah, I hope so too. (I clearly ignored the "hoping to see you" part. Omg.)

A: Loveeeee youuuuu.
Me: You toooooo.
A: Youuuuu moreeeee.

A: How was your day my dear?
Me: Crappy. You?
A: Eh, fine. Why was your day crappy? :(
Me: The usual. My mom.
A: Ooooh. Don't sweat it honey don't let one person ruin your day. What did I tell you before honey. I want to be the person to make your shitty day perfect.
Me: Lol okay.

A: I love you honey. Is everything okay you seem like you don't really want to talk or do much of anything lately :(
Me: *sigh* I really don't know anymore.. I've been feeling lost & confused lately. Neither happy nor sad. I just... don't know how I feel.
A: We need to hang out and talk see if that does something. I'm just worried because you don't talk as much. I don't wanna lose you.
Me: Yeah maybe friday. The ohana wnats to hangout that day, we could have alone time.
A: Mmmm any other days? I'll try but in case I can't what other days..
Me: Sunday.
A: This sunday or next?
Me: This. I'm not going to be here next week I'm going to Cali.
A: Mmm can you come over? Round 4:30 in the afternoon. I'm working this weekend.
Me: Yeah sure. Text me whenever you get home.
A: Seriously. O_O you can go? If you can go I'll text you the minute I get off work. ^_^ Me: Well I didn't ask. I don't want to talk to my mom right now and my dad's in reno. I'll ask my dad when he gets back thursday.
A: Kk I really hope he says yes O_O

I have no emotion -_- Talking to him doesn't make me happy anymore. I just don't know what's happened anymore :\

It's gotten to that point where I'm becoming obvious. A lot of people are starting to notice something's wrong with me. I don't even know, myself. Aaron's getting worried that he's going to lose me and frankly... I can't even answer that either. God, my mind and feelings don't even match right now. What the hell am I feeling? What's wrong with me? I don't even want to talk to him sometimes, my "i love you's" don't really have any meaning anymore, I'll be having a crappy day and he can't even make it any better, nothing satisfies me anymore.. I used to hate wanting to teach him tagalog. The only thing I wanted him to know was Mahal Kita and now... now I don't even care. He was saying something like "mommy pull your skirt down." and I didn't give a fuck. Clearly it was family, either way I didn't care. I feel like I'm giving up... maybe that's it. Maybe I'm beginning to given up. :\ Omg...

It's crazy thinking about how I used to feel about you. I miss the old times where every little thing about you was my happiness. Thinking about you, talking about you, spending time with you, giving you gifts, wanting to simply hold you in my arms, laugh with you, and watch you smile simply because I made you happy. I miss everything. We had our fights. Some were either stupid or terrible. I mean I was told fighting was normal and I totally understand that. But then, April, May and June comes along and I notice things have been changing between us. I honestly don't know what it is. I honestly think it's just me. Everything is a routine with you. You tell me I love you and I tell you I love you back and it goes back and forth until one of us just stops. We don't really have conversations, they're rather bland. Just you're typical small talk. Then it's the physical distance we have that has always been our norm. I've tolerated not seeing you. 2 weeks, 3 weeks, 4... I don't even remember the last time I saw you. It's actually quite sad really. In a way I learned to think it was good that we didn't see each other and in all honesty it IS good, because "you don't get annoyed or attached" by the person you love. Well there's that, but there's more to it really. I hated not seeing you. I hated it to the core where it practically killed me if I didn't see you. Longing for you for so long. But now it's like... I honestly don't care anymore. About anything. Sometimes I feel like I don't mean it when I say I love you anymore. It's like... the words that have so much meaning behind it that describes how I feel towards you... simply... lost its meaning. Maybe I'm falling out of love, who knows. But whatever I'm feeling, makes me feel more distant towards you. Not in a physical sense, but in our bond. In our relationship. I'm not sad nor happy. I have no idea how I feel. I love you. I do, but... I don't know. I can't quite figure it out. Hm? O.o